Kind of had a bad couple of days

[Rylee]

I don't know but I think maybe my mom has been hanging around me the past several days. I don't know but I was smelling roses the other day and there were no roses around me. Roses were my mom's favorite flower. Then I started smelling other scents that my mom loved. I felt that she might be watching me. I was ok with that and it was kind of comforting but then I started going through the funeral pictures and videos and things to get them downloaded to a thumb drive for my sister and all I could do was bawl and bawl and miss her even more. 

Yesterday I gave my sister the thumb drive and told her what was on it. One thing was my mom singing happy birthday to my sister's daughter. My nieces birthday is next week and so my sister is going to show it to her on her birthday. My sister and I both broke down crying and she told me that she has been trying to think of the situation as not real and that my mom is just living somewhere too far to get to. She said she just hasn't wanted to think about my mom being gone and it has just been very hard for her to deal with. We hugged for the first time in months and I told her that I loved her and she was my favorite sister (she's my only sister) and she just kind of laughed but it was really nice being able to talk with her. We haven't been in the same room since my mom's funeral. I got most of everything of my mom's sorted and next week will be taking everything I've found from my mom's stuff that I know she's want to her next weekend. 

I just wish I didn't get into these crying jags and feeling lost and lonely for my mom so often just because I see her things or smell something that reminds me of her. I thought it was over for the most part but the past few days have been really emotional for me. I just wish that didn't happen and I could think of her and smile rather than think of her and cry and think of all the things I should have done that I didn't even think about until recently. I could have read her scriptures to her but I didn't think about that. When she lost her eyesight bad enough not to be able to read them, I could have sat and read them to her but I didn't think about it and she didn't ask me to do that. I could have helped her more with other things to make her life more comfortable at the end. I did the best I could but before she got as bad as she did I could have done more. When I start thinking about that and crying lately, I hear her voice in my head calling my name and saying, "Stop feeling so bad about what you didn't do, what more could you have done? You did everything you could and I appreciate that you did. Don't beat yourself up. I love you." Maybe that's just my wishful thinking that my mom is talking to me in my mind or maybe she really is talking to me I don't know. But when I hear her voice and those words it calms me down. I still feel bad that I didn't think about some of those things but we said everything we needed to each other and I did the best I could to make her comfortable at the end but I wish I would have done more several months before she died.  

Rylee

[MartyT]

Rylee, my dear, I think you should listen to your mother  And when you find yourself getting into a crying jag, it's because those tears need to be shed. Let them come, and think of them as healing waters washing over you. There is a purpose to our tears, and it takes more energy to suppress them than it does to let them come. (See Coping with Sorrow in Grief.)

[kayc]

While I know it's not pleasant, try not to avoid crying.  We need to allow ourselves to feel the grief in order to proceed through it.  And whatever brings you comfort, go for that too.   I'm glad you have the thumb drive!

[Rylee]

I guess I just hate crying. It physically hurts to cry so much. I have been having so many days lately that I've been on edge and crying about everything and just wanting to lay down and sleep and not do anything. I just want to roll up in a ball and cover my head with a blanket and hope no one notices I'm there. I hate feeling this way. My blood sugars are out of control, my blood pressure is out of control, and I have headaches all the time lately. Every joint in my body aches and my neck and back hurt. 

I went to the doctor because of my eye getting swollen to a point it was almost swollen shut. She said it was a chemical burn. But... the thing about going to the doctor is that "due to budget cuts and..." we're only allowed to be seen for ONE thing at a time and have to make appointments to come in for each thing we have issues with. Basically, if I go to the doctor for everything I need to have seen, I will have to make 10 more appointments and they are not ones that can be made very quickly because it's a community clinic. They will get you right in (like they did with my eye being swollen so bad) if you have an urgent need but not ER urgent. However, everything else has to wait.

I hope someday my crying will stop. I used to cry about my dad all the time but I wasn't as close to my dad as I was to my mom. I cried for months over my dad. With as close to my mom as I was, I don't think I will ever stop crying when I think about her.  

[kayc]

I think that is so wrong! (one thing per visit), that's how Medicaid is.  I'm glad my doctor will see me for more than one thing at a time, not only would the copays add up but it's 105 mile round trip to my doctor!

I guess all you can do is prioritize the visits.  What about a physical, they should allow one a year and that would cover your blood pressure, blood sugar, etc.  The headaches could be indicative of high blood pressure.  I don't know how old you are, but letting that go is NOT good!  I would say, in the interim, try meditation (we have a lot of them on this site), it's great for lowering blood pressure.  Also daily walks.  Anything that destresses you!  Listen to soothing music.  Do not watch the news or anything that could upset you.  Grief is hard on one's body!