Forever His x

i haven't been on here in a while i just couldn't bring my self to sign in , i dont like admitting to myself im on a forum like this but i suppose im feeling a bit lonely and that i dont fit in so i thought i need to as you guys are the ones that understand and dont want to be on here just like i dont . So its been 6 and a half months since that terrible day , and im still in the fog i understand its still "early" but for me it feels like a life time , i feel im in a very dark place now and that im a different person , living with my own head is torture i cant get away from the thoughts , and all i keep doing is re playing everything over im mentally drained , i keep hearing everyones voices that night and what they said to me and i cant stop hearing it . counselling is still in "process" of being sorted out which i think is a joke . i just want someone to help me coping methods anything but then no one can help me can they no one can bring him back to me so whats the point its not going to work . i dont understand how to get through the days at the moment im just being dragged through them and i do that for our sons sake . everything is such a mess suppose ive got to get used to that now .

Hey , Sorry i take my time to reply , as everyone does i find it hard to come on here , but like i also said would be so nice to stay in contact as you have young children too , Ive read your recent thread about how youve moved and left your house , me and my partner have always lived with my family but had separate living areas complete shut off from one another but it was only a walk down the hall to see each other . so right now our house is on the market , it is coming up to four months since that horrible day , ever since it happened we have all been debating and finally came to the decisions weighed out the pros and cons , i havent been back into our bit of the house i cant do it , at the moment i am living in the city and we have the opportunity to go and live in the countryside our little boy is only 16 months i feel and i know he would love this as he never liked the city area that i can bring up our boy in a different area and have a different life a better life . i dont personally want a better life nor will i get one because i havent got him , but i feel i cant move forward here everything is constantly in your face it will always be in my head and him in my heart , but its a kick in the teeth i havent got him , so if the house sells we will be moving , so as much as i feel this is the right decision for my little boy , i cant help but hate it too i feel guilty for leaving the house where he was where he walked around ect i feel guilty im going to move to the countryside and he isnt i feel guilty for raising our son and he isnt i feel guilty for me breathing and he isnt . but i cant do it here i dont want to do it anywhere but need to try for our son . and the family i live with will be going to we always believed that we shouldnt do what society wanted we are such a close family so live together and enjoy each others company ect , we only ever wanted everyone to be happy and safe was never greedy yet we couldnt even be given that . i know i need to try and move forward im never moving on . so i suppose what im asking is deep down how do you honestly feel about moving away from the house ? as im not being made to move for whatever reason financial or whatever its something im just choosing to do . i feel its right yet life is just so wrong now .

Im definitely going to look for one of thoses with in my area , you seem to gain alot from it , i think it will be daunting at first but worth it in the end as everyone will be in the same boat . im not glad you have said that but ive felt so bad because ive had the same thoughts , my son is young not as young as your little girl , but they dont realise what has happened and wont remember , so i think to myself if he wont Remember him then he wont remember me so give him to mum and dad and go and join him , then i look at his little face looking back at me and i cant . i know he needs me but in the situation it is very hard and yes i am struggling , feel so guilty i get to watch him grow and he doesnt . i dont worry about anything anymore as i dont see the point but i worry about his upbringing i hate the fact i cant give him what i want and its all me now . So i totally understand where your coming from. Its so difficult no matter what we seem to do nothing helps us within this . horrible horrible journey.

What do you think , At what point did i actually say that i said things can be worded differently as it comes across very unsensitive , if you want to think that then by all means do . id rather you didnt reply to my responses as i wont be replying back to yours , ,reason no one else has come across so abrupt they just listen and hear what you have to say instead of asking silly questions that are not helpful , so if thats your kindness ive definitely missed something there . Not everyone is going to be ok with you being so abrupt with in a situation like this , so yes im happy to not talk and i will continue to "ignore" .

Thankyou . That's a good and positive way to look at things . With them showing us the true meaning of love I'm going to cherish that thought .

Yes because I don't want to believe this has happened nore that it is my reality so that's how . And also if you read the comments above . As suggested in the UK there are people who run an organisation as such for bereavement called cruse . Yes I have my dad and my brother . And reading that your son had his dad isn't rubbing salt in the wound ! Sometimes things can be worded different and come across a little unsensitive .

Hello , thankyou for replying to me , it really helps hearing from people in the same situation and having the little ones . im also very sorry for your loss and what you have had to go through . as i just replied a few seconds ago i havent looked into a grief support group i think its something i might try as others have said its good . How old is your daughter now ? how is she , im worried for my sons future with what has happened, its all so wrong i dont know how to stay strong and i dont know how to carry on when i dont want to but have to for him . his so beautiful and such a lovely little boy makes it harder . How do you cope ? Id love to keep in contact,

hello , i am also very sorry for your loss and experience too , i would love to be able to stay in contact and chat , as i dont know anyone who has suffered this loss and especially who have children . me and my fiance loved the out doors and so does our little one now , breathing in the fresh air seems to help both of us but is so upsetting too . i feel so guilty im seeing him grow and his not and just how are you meant to carry on with this life when it wasnt meant to be this way . you sound very strong for your children i hope i can be for my beautiful son .

So i have cancelled my current therapist as they cant offer me a grief counsellor just a therapist that generalises in all causes and to be honest im getting no where with it and its a waste for someone to sit and nod at me , it doesnt help , so i shall go and find a grief counsellor . I had forgotten a few of my medication well the anti depressants i was subscribed felt no different not taking them to taking them , but my thinking it bad like really bad so tomorrow im going to start taking them . So lately what am i up to ready for this ... im on a mission im determined to find him , this hasnt happened it hasnt been three months since ive seen him or kissed him or all of the things we do together and as a family . surely its not just me and my son now ! ,i need to find him . i cant carry on with out him . i was standing at a crossing last week watching the cars go speeding past thinking how easy it would to just stick my foot out and get dragged along with one . simply really isnt it . i feel like im going insane . im going to be young and lonely let alone old and lonely . why im writing all this again i dont know , how do i get out of this i dont . i hate my self i hate my life . I love my little boy , yet i feel so sorry for him because i cant give him everything i want to he needs his daddy just like i do i worry how his going to grow up , i have yet to explain all this to him , who does that who tells their little boy what has happened why cant he just see his daddy , why cant i have my fiance . i feel sick i feel ill im making my self ill with my own bloody head. i am really really struggling and the only thing that will help me is him !! , this is it now this is me . How Lovely . I will look into the cruse people as suggested i didnt know about them so thankyou , i will also look into some groups in my area see if i can attend one of them . im also going to look though the link that has been posted too and the quote that was posted was lovely although upsetting , all these little bits i didnt know about might be able to help in a tiny way so thankyou .

Thankyou to everyone for replying , i know i dont reply straight away i just find it hard . i like reading what you put as it does make sense i just dont want it to because i cant believe im in the situation , everyday is a struggle and i also feel guilty for doing daily things and doing all the things i do with our son as his missing out on so much and should be doing them to so why should i be . The answer to what therapist am i seeing , im under a nhs based therapy told them the situation but i have been put under a primary care therapist ? and i am only getting 6 sessions have been to 3 now missed one today but i havent got nothing out of it its just me talking he doesnt talk back , just says its a normal part of grieving but that doesnt help me , or maybe thats what therapy is all about just me talking and them listening . been a weird day today with in my head , as im thinking about therapy and questioning it as i didnt attend today , then im annoyed its not all about him but it is because im only going therapy for this reason , is it bed time yet ? not that im sleeping that much .

So next week it has been 3 months . i dont know how ive got through them and i dont get where the time has gone , im still looking for him and i cant find him . i think im going a little bit crazy . Not only have i got to get my self through the day i have to get our 15 month old through the day to not literally because he doesnt understand but i have to look after him all day after all thats whats being a mum is all about . His done so much in the last 3 months and his missed it all thats another load of emotions on its own . No one seems to be able to help no one knows what to say , the whole world is carrying on and im just stood here holding onto my little boys hand , somehow although his young i feel his dragging me through it all . Nothings changed since day one and ive seen peoples posts who have lost alot longer than me and they still feel pretty much the same , therapy hasnt helped i thought i was going to get something out of it coping methods maybe i dont know , not just be nodded at and told its normal i dont want this as my "normal" . And if i hear that blooming word "time" said to me once more im going to explode , give it time to what learn to suppress it , for it to be longer since ive seen his beautiful face , yeah thanks for that " time " really is the answer ! i dont think so . i am a loner i dont have any friends i just have my family , because i had everything in my man i just wanted him and only him . Just what is there to do now just keep sitting in the fog all day listening to your head going round and around and around . i know its all part of " grieving " but i dont want to be grieving . There is just nothing now , im 24 years old and thats it now there is nothing out there for me . I give up .

Hello , First of all , i just wanted to say what a wonderful outcome for you , im really happy you were able to make that decision and financially worked out for you too , will be lovely to be close to family at a time like this . I hope you dont mind if i ask both you WolfsKat & Dews Girl a question i know i have asked on here before but you have both actually done it . Im in the dilemma of staying where i live or do i move area to try and move forward never on as a mum . Me and my partner have always lived with my parents and brother we all had a lovely bond and never been no problem , so i dont need to move to be near family as i already have them here . Where we are at the minute isnt the best of places its ok and that and friendly but we are in the city , we have the opportunity to "better" our lives well not better because i havent got him , but move to the countryside and bring our little boy up there , we would also be financially better off . But the thing is i cant decide whats for the best . Do i leave because the memories are to hard and painful i cant even go in our room ? or do i stay because thats where he was and he knows where his baby is . I know neither of you can make my decision for me , but as you have both moved have you got any input on my situation ? Thankyou .

Thankyou everyone , its nice to know i can come on here and get everything out not be judged and talk to people understand .

Thankyou for all replying , it shocks me how your all suffering your own grief yet your still there for others its so nice . i went to the doctors yesterday about my medication for this situation i know it wont cure anything but i need to try everything for my thoughts for our son . So im up for everyone having different beliefs but they should never be pushed on to anyone especially being a doctor ! she said that things happen for a reason and that things happen in this life due to what happened in a previous life whilst i was sitting there crying , is she for real , then asked personal details she didnt need to know . so i was angry and shocked frowned and answered now im annoyed at myself as i feel i let her bad mouth my partner . as if there isnt enough in my head already . but how dare she say that being a doctor ! . im still in two minds with my living arrangements and i understand how everyone says time helps ect but i cant see how time just means its been longer since i have seen him and been in his arms . the memories are hard as there everywhere and i cant make new ones . so stay in the house so he knows where his baby is and where his growing up or move area so i can move forward with our son ( never moving on ) . i know no one can answer that just getting it out of my head sort of thing . just dont get how this is "life" i dont want to be a part of this cruel way of " living " .

Granted since the day this happened i have been struggling , there have been no good days or even better days but have been worse days , today is one of them days , i dont want to be here anymore without him i could quiet happily just end it all now . whats the point ? had my first session of therapy yesterday , it was "ok" just getting to know each other and the situation and he said a few things that made me think hmm yeah ok , but i find it hard that his trying to help me and with my way of thinking yet my answer to everything is just bring him back ! . thats all i want there is no other way of dealing with this . and when people go to me oh you seem better than you did last week , Because !! i have started to put small amounts of make up on my reason for this is he though i was so beautiful without my make up and said i didnt need it , so why should others get to see me how he loved me , so its like putting a mask on but no others dont get that its just to hide away from everything and in a weird way respect for him , but oh dont worry im doing better because i got mascara on and i spoke today ! i dont understand how my body is getting through the day how is it even moving , how am i meant to live the rest of my stupid stupid pointless life without him at the age of 24 brilliant . yes i have our son to look after and i get that he is so important to me the reason i am doing what im doing , but for my self not him or other family for my self , what is there now . i well and truley give up .