rebellious

I do walk into my dad's room sometimes, sit on his bed and just wonder what he's doing and speak to him. How long did it take you to stop dwelling about your husband? Did you move out of your house? Did you move to a different town? I've been thinking a lot about moving. I feel like if I stay here I'm just going to be reminded all the time. While watching the old home movies. I feel I would really like to have a child of my own one day. Dad always loved babies and he really wanted grandchildren. I feel that is one way I could honor him and relive my childhood at the same time giving my child the same bday parties and taking them trick-or-treating.

I'm sorry to hear about your losses Kayc and I appreciate your reply. Yes I'm working. I'm a network administrator for a dental management company. I have a good job and my manager has been trying to talk me into moving to our Raleigh office and starting over but I just don't think I have it in me to move to a new city with no friends or family. I just don't think I'm ready. I'm not going to sell the family farm. I would never do that. I promised my mom I wouldn't. My grandad built and ran this tobacco farm with a couple pack houses, smoke house and a farm equipment store/bar on the side. My family has so much history here. Confederate soldiers marched through the woods behind my property. We have actually found Civil War items. This place use to be so alive back from the '40s-'80s. Now it's just me. It was so good to hear my moms, dads and grandmas voice again on the old VHS tapes. There are so many things I want to talk with them about now. I think about all those times I thought I was too busy to spend time or talk with them when they wanted to spend time with me. I was so damn stupid. I remember me and my dad calling each other Best Friends but when I became a teenager I was too cool to reference him as my best friend. I know it had to hurt his feelings and I'd do anything to tell him he had always been my best friend. There is so many things I feel so guilty about I would do anything to go back and say I'm sorry. I use the think I knew everything. Now thinking back, my parents were right. I didn't. I haven't dated in 5 years. Not sure I even know how anymore. I've got to fix myself first but I'm not sure how.

I'm 30 years old and both my parents are now gone. I lost my mom back in 2012 and lost my dad back in November of last year. I miss them both so much but dad's death has really been taking a toll on me. He was so sick the last year and a half of his life. I think to myself sometimes I would sell my soul to the devil himself to let me have just a few days with him healthy again so we could do some things together. But, I'll never get that chance. I moved back home 3 years ago when he was diagnosed with colon cancer and I had been his caregiver up until he passed. I'm currently still living in my childhood home which is now mine. My problem is that I'm never living in the present. I'm constantly thinking about the past or future. Mostly the past. I couldn't have asked for better parents. They gave me a great childhood and I've been going through and packing up old pictures and VHS tapes my mom recorded when I was a child. Christmas, Halloween, birthdays, etc. I've been digitizing the VHS tapes onto my computer and I just ache to go back to those times when everybody was healthy and happy. I'm so thankful my mom kept up with all these memories. I wouldn't take a million dollars for them. I feel like I'll never feel happiness like those times again. Now it's just me and my dog which I consider a hero of mine because if I didn't have him with me right now I would probably go crazy. How do I move on? Should I move out of my childhood home? I promised my mom I wouldn't sell the house since grandad built it back in 1934. But I paid off the house 4 years ago so it will always be here. I just don't know what to do with my life anymore. I can't make up my mind about anything and I just feel so lost sometimes.