JohnR

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About JohnR

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    New Visitor

Previous Fields

  • Your relationship to the individual who died
    Girlfriends Father
  • Date of Death
    June 1, 2016
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    NA

Profile Information

  • Your gender
    Male
  • Location (city, state)
    Buffalo, NY
  1. Well I'm just shy of two months, and things have been getting better (slowly...). I think the best thing I have done is just being kind to myself. I spent a lot of time over the past few weeks forcing myself to do things. This can be good and bad I've found. Its important for me to get out there and keep busy, but taking days off to just relax is just as important. Being alone in our apartment isn't really as lonely as it once was. Funny enough, I actually have a harder time dealing with my emotions at work. I think it may be the down time between tasks that really gets me thinking. I dunno if that's due to the fact that I got the job in an area where I never intended to stay, but it has been hard to focus at work more recently. Not to the point where I'm gonna get in trouble, but I do procrastinate a lot more than I used to. Maybe that's a sign to move on, but I won't make any rash decisions until I feel stronger inside and out. The NC has been working. That's not to say that I don't think about my relationship often, but when I do it becomes quickly exhausting. I think my brain is finally starting to say enough is enough. I will not lie, I still have strong feelings/hope for her, but its not what drives me anymore. Weakness has become a good friend of mine over these past few months. Growing up I was always very guarded when it came to my emotions. These days I am more transparent with people. I do feel like I have grown stronger from this. I am more relatable, and for this reason i'm kinda glad this all happened. I don't think I could be happy in any relationships till I went through this process. The pain has allowed me to look deep within myself and evaluate my feelings on my life choices. My heart is too big to keep feelings of hatred or resentment bottled up. I honestly just want the best for everybody, myself included. As always, thanks for keeping up with my growth over these past few months. I hope that one day someone can read these, and hopefully get some perspective from my experiences. I'll end things with a quote I found the other day. “You cannot swim for new horizons until you have courage to lose sight of the shore.” ― William Faulkner
  2. Over the past week and a half, since I full went NC, I have had many moments where I truly felt happy. I have been working out and taking jiu-jitsu, and I have lost 20 lbs over the past month and a half. I've also began to study for my engineering licencing exam nightly. This was something that I put on hold once her father got sick. Some old friends from college have taken me in, and even they say they love this new side of me. This is of course a huge boost to my ego, and I definitely see the light. As I gain a little more clarity, I am starting to understand the toxicity that developed toward the end. There were many concerns that I had that were met with hostility or justifications. She would say things like "Do you just want me to say sorry?" or "I get that, but here why I did it.". I always felt invalidated. Eventually, I just began to close off my emotions. Which she then would call me out on, citing this as the source of many fights. I would explode in arguments after repressing emotions for such a long time, and then this would just make me look like the problem. I shouldered the burden for a long time because I was the one who lost my cool. I caused the fight to escalate. I was the one who was being immature. I hated who I became during those fights. After a while I Iet myself go mentally and physically. It was a mess. That't not how you should feel in a loving relationship. She made a big mistake in taking me for granted, yet once again I am taking the brunt of it. I don't need that negativity in my life. I will find someone who values me and my concerns. That's something that I can look forward too. Its not good to hold onto anger, but for once I feel like I deserve to be mad about it all. I don't really care, but I doubt she is even thinking about me. Or at least that what i'm going to keep telling myself. As always, thanks you for listening. Its so therapeutic to check in. How lucky I am to have found this place.
  3. Kayc - Thanks for always being here for support during this time. Having a person as supportive as you, without even knowing me personally, puts a huge smile on my face. I've been considering the option of moving for a while now. I do believe that it is due time to make the move back to my hometown, I just hate up and leaving because of the life I have created up here. I have began taking Jiu-Jitsu classes, I have a gym membership, and I have rekindled a few old friendships. I've lost a ton of weight (and gained muscle). I just feel fantastic physically. I will try to move home by the end of the year, but leaving any sooner would feel like I would be running away. On a side note, I spoke to her on Saturday before she moved out. It was bittersweet. We talked about school, work, and taking care of ourselves. I did my best to avoid relationship conversation, as that would have most likely been counterproductive. Much like how she dealt with her fathers passing, I believe that she has compartmentalized her emotions toward me. it was rather eye opening to be on the other side of it. I never could break through when we were together, and now I see how she deals with things that are causing her emotional pain. I don't agree with it, but that's not my call. I'd like to think she still cares deeply, but that mindset isn't going to help me heal. The one thing that did hurt was that she reclaimed a watch that her father had given me after he had passed. I honestly felt like it would have been a nice memento to hold on to considering I stayed true to the family and her during their darkest times. I would never compare my struggle to theirs, but it was hard to be there through it all 3 years of his decline. I still get emotional thinking about being there the day he passed. In June, it will be one year since he passed. I will most likely send flowers to the family, and write a nice note to her mother. I doubt she will want to think about me when that day comes. Either way I won't let her dictate how much I cared for her father. He was a great man, and I still have great respect for her mother.
  4. The past few weeks have been a bit of a roller coaster for me. I've began to focus on things that I want to do, and to some degree this has brought me happiness. I've been talking to other girls casually, and I have found that this difference in perspective definitely makes a difference in my healing. What I've found from some extensive reading on the topic of long term break-ups is that many people say that people idealize the relationship in their heads. They tend to focus only on the good times, and that gives a skewed perspective on the relationship. For me, I focus on the pain that we felt together. I can't get my mind off of all the hardships we faced internally and externally. When I graduated from college I stayed in the area because our relationship was worth every good and bad moment, and she still had a 3 years in her program. Most of my family lives hundreds of miles away. She was the person who made me feel at home where ever I was. Now I am left to my own devices in a city far away from the people who I love. This has left me feeling slightly lost in my life. I have a good job, and an apartment with at least 4 more months left on the lease (that she is still helping to pay for). It still feels like she was making the decision to protect us both. Something that I hate and love. I want to talk to her, but it feels like we have a giant wall in between us. If it was never meant to be, I accept that, but I feel like I am giving up a part of myself in cutting her out of my life. This is a person who taught me to love, to take care of myself, to strive for better things, to speak my emotions. We just met so young, and now I want more than anything to learn about this new person she has become. I don't have a ounce of resentment in my heart for how things happened. Lets call it curiosity. I don't even think I want a relationship at this juncture. I seldom let people into my life, and I think as we changed as people I had trouble letting this new version of her in. All that aside it has been one month, and I definitely feel like I have grown. While there still may be ways to go, I know that I have taken more care of myself over the past month than I had in the many months before that. Bittersweet I suppose. Thanks for listening nonetheless. This forum is one of the best things to ever happen to me
  5. Another update After some hard thought, I decided to call her to really discuss what the intentions of her texts were. I told her off the bat that I do not need closure with her. She wanted to explain herself during the call. I told her I was not gonna let her break my heart again. It seemed like she just wanted me to admit that we had flaws that were unfixable. In her mind she clearly thinks she did the right thing by us. I disagree completely. I was committed in her time of need, and this was perhaps the last straw for me. She was calling to clear her conscience. That was unbelievably selfish. I don't need that immaturity in my life. I look back, and I realize that toward the end of our relationship she started to become extremely negative and stubborn. There was no acknowledgement of my feelings or emotions, just justifications for her own feelings. This in my opinion is a defense mechanism she adopted during her grief. She talked about how "its for the better" and we are "finally doing things to improve ourselves". OBVIOUSLY, I have had to change my whole life because she decided we had no chance. With that conversation, I knew that she only had selfish intentions with wanting to talk. So I decided that maybe its best we just see other people. She said that hurts, but she understands. I really don't care who she ends up with at this point. I deserved to be loved by somebody. I'm not perfect, but I do try and that should be enough. I love myself, and I hope that one day she can learn to love herself too. Not to sound childish, but she doesn't deserve me if she can't see what so many others have seen. We had something special, and right now I am not ready to act like it wasn't worth every good and bad moment.
  6. I wanted to give an update to this situation since it really helps me to reason things out when I write things down. Since we broke up we both have been on a roller coaster of emotion. I found out that she was messaging a random stranger in another country the day that we broke up. This small talk became more sexual in nature. I was crushed. I confronted her on the phone. I was enraged at first because it had only been a week. In retrospect, I understand the need for a emotional connection after the break especially in her condition. I do not blame her for her weakness, as I could never imagine the pain she is feeling. She clearly has no handle over what is going on in her head. That said, even broken up it was a huge violation of my trust. After all it was only a week later and she said she wanted independence not other people. As the days pass I feel more independent in my life, and I am even having casual conversations with people online now. I look back, and I dedicated a lot of emotion and time to her. I still am in love with her, but if we will ever work in the future I know that I need to rebuild from scratch. I've shaken the feeling that I was the weak one. We aren't friends on Facebook anymore, and I've removed many of the reminders of her. Just to allow myself the time to heal. If the stars align I would obviously give it another chance, but the biggest thing I want to stress is the value of self I've learned. She has attempted to make contact, asking to discuss things before she leaves my area for a few months. In her text she admitted being an emotional mess, making bad choices, and not giving what we had enough value (I had said I wanted counseling if we tried again earlier) . I choose not to respond. Not because I don't believe her, but a choice now is only playing into her bad judgement and could hurt even more. Relationships are trust, and when she ended it and did what she did the trust was violated. I want her, but I by no means need her in my life. I have a big heart, and so many people have come to support me in my time of need. I have not lost hope in her, but perhaps this is the best gift I can give her. She now gets to build up her emotional strength and be with her mother these next few months. After that maybe we can start fresh. If we became different people over time that is OK. We just need to learn about each other again, and find happiness in trust not desperation. I want more than anything to marry her one day, but for now I'm gonna enjoy life and love myself.
  7. I can't tell you how much your supportive word mean. Every day I tear up thinking that I failed her and her father. I was weak. Over the past week we have been sparsely communicating. Usually about trivial things. I tried to be supportive, but I don't want her to think I'm waiting on her beck and call. I agree I need to take care of myself, and when she broke it off I realized how hurt I really was. Every text she sent me gave me a rush. Thoughts of a happy life and family kept coming up with every message. Yesterday she texted me and then called me. Again about some silly issues around the apartment (The garage door opener broke). I needed to pick up stuff at our place anyway, so I went over there and we ended up talking for a few hours. We shared a heart to heart about her father, and how proud he would be of her. I told her that I miss him too, and this time has really given me some perspective on her grief. We shared tears. I didn't beg or plead. I just told her exactly what I should have before things got rough. She was firm on her need for independence, and I still stayed strong and supportive of her decision. I let her know that for now I just need a little space to let my heart heal (until she goes away for a field work assignment for school in a month). I thought this was fair considering she ended things. It's not that I don't still want her. I lover her and she loves me. Its just that I got a high off the communication, that was killing me. I told her that I want her to give me some space, but that she should let me know before she leaves. I asked for a kiss, and she let me. I still felt the energy and passion. She just clearly doens't have the emotional capacity to worry more right now. This girl deserves the world. Was asking for a little space out of line? I just hate to think that I was extremely selfish in asking .
  8. First off, I want to thank all the regular contributors. I have read many posts on here and many have help me cope with my recent breakup. I met my girlfriend in college, her freshman year and my sophomore. We were definitely physically attracted at first, but as a few weeks passed and we spoke more the infatuation clearly grew into a true love for each other. A few weeks after we met we were dating. A few weeks after that I had met her family during a family weekend up at school. We all clicked over diner. It was an amazing feeling because I was distant from my family at the time, and they took me in as one of their own. We had our ups and downs, but we always endured. After the first year we decided to pull the trigger, and we moved in together (with roommates at first). It was scary and exciting, but we love each other and the pros outweighed the cons. About 2 years passed, and we eventually moved into a more private setting. Things continued to be on the upswing, but a storm was on the horizon. I was about to graduate, and she was just beginning her grad program. This was scary for me because many of my friends were slowly starting to disappear as they would graduate. After spending a lot of time talking it over we eventually got through it, and she helped me get through some stress and anxiety of the situation. I eventually found in my heart that wherever she was is home to me. I took comfort knowing that it was us against the world as cheesy as that sounds. At the beginning of the final semester we got the news that a close family friend died from brain cancer. Only made worse by the fact that he did not go peacefully. I consoled her as she dealt with the loss. The grief eventually subsided, and we were in the right direction. Then we got some news that really shook both of us to our core. Her father had a seizure the week prior, and after several tests they found that he had the same cancer as the family friend who died. He was given 2 years to live. This was a devastating blow. She tried to take solace in the 2 years she had with him, but the thoughts of losing him like the family friend had was always there. I was always there to accommodate travel needs, and anything that the family need. It was a tough few years to say the least. We eventually got news that her uncle had fallen and was now a quadriplegic, her grandmother with Alzheimers had passed, and her two lifelong pets needed to be put down. Why would this happen to such a close family. I grew my bond with her father and mother, as they always saw me as a caregiver while she was so far away from home. They knew I was a rock when she needed one, and I loved being that role. Almost two years on the dot, we got news that he had slipped into a coma. He only had a few more days. We drove a few hundred miles to see him that day. He was my friend and we shared a mutual respect for each other that came from my love for his daughter. Now he was a shell of what we both remembered him as. We made our peace, and spoke into his ear. I had to watch his daughter tell him that "its okay to let go" and "that she loves him and that she will be strong". I let him know that I would always watch over his daughter and mother. This was my last promise to a dying man. We woke in the middle of the night to her mother calling us. He was free of the pain fully body that had failed him. I made the necessary calls as my GF and her mother mourned over his body. We spent the next few days planning his "celebration of life" and hundreds of peopled filtered in and out through the day. I took their old photo albums and made a slideshow to be played during the event. As time passed, I always tried to be supportive. Trying to be understanding when she had bad days, and amplify the good days when they came. I honestly feel like I tried, but over time I began to grow anxious of her grieving. I was scared and weak, and felt like I was failing her in her time of need. This began to put stress on us. She started to feel like I was rushing her, and she said that I was the only person who was rushing her. She was going through grad school at the same time, and this only intensified her stress. I honestly never meant for that. I just had my own issues that were now bubbling to the the surface over time. We began to fight more often in the last few months, and we both closed off. Last week after 5 years together, she told me that she wasn't happy with what we became. I agreed and we didn't fight about it. We broke up 8 days ago. She didn't want a clean break, and she didn't want to see other people. It was about being able to cope with past and future grieving on her own. I asked if it could ever work, and she told me she didn't want to force progress on ourselves with a time frame. I agree with her decision and I respect her so much for pushing through her grieving to become a successful professional. I just don't know what to do now. We have texted a few times, but its like we are strangers. I love her, and given that she hasn't completely closed me out, I have a hope for the future. I just wanted to get out and get some perspective. Thanks for reading! I really just wanted to clear my head to people not involved directly.