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Hi, I’m back I wanna give a quick update on how things are right now and how i’m dealing with my father’s death. I had my birthday a little over a month ago now, and things are really going wild. Anxiety is really spiking and I’ve been having frequent panic attacks, I never had one before I started dealing with grief. After my father died, I am genuinely petrified with the idea of death and the idea that I can’t escape death, even more when I realize that I am very much vulnerable and can die anytime. Maybe it’s the fact that not even my father could escaped death, it hits me really hard because he’s my hero, my protector, and someone who leads and teaches me. Being the complete opposite of my father, i feel really vulnerable and it messes up my mind. Ever since the 2nd month after his death, I haven’t skipped a day without thinking that I will die tomorrow, even when there’s really nothing to worry about. I’m physically healthy, and I’m only 20 years old. I can’t disassociate the things that my dad experienced before he died (like attending concert, eating the same food as his last meal, or singing) as a sign that I’m going to die as well. It’s tiring, and I want this to end. Is this really the sign that I’m dying? or is it just a normal reaction to the realization of my mortality? every little things make me overthink about my death. Even though I’m really terrified right now, i believe that it really has something to do about my grief towards my father’s death bcuz I didn’t experience any of this prior to his death. Any advice will be very helpful, thank you!

It's been almost two months since my grandma passed away. She was sick. And then she wasn't, and she was home and celebrating my seventeenth birthday, and two days later, she died. Ever since that night, I've been having trouble with really bad nightmares, about death each time. Death of my most important loved ones, my own death, and generally dark material. I went through a stage of anger and constant crying and now, I'm just lethargic. I never want to get out of bed. I feel like falling asleep all the time. My huge pile of extracurricular activities which I used to devote my heart and soul to, now seem like a chore. And no matter what, I can't bring myself to pick up my phone and talk to anyone, even my best friends. I put myself through school, and I managed a couple of social events, although they have never really interested me and now completely exhaust me, but phone calls are the worst. I can't pick up a phone and talk about the trivialities. My best friends are beginning to get annoyed. Worst of all, saying goodbye to someone close to me makes me go crazy. I keep imagining the worst scenarios and losing them forever until the next time I talk to them. I don't want to bring these things up with my mother because I know she is struggling. And my friends can only offer words of comfort, which I don't want. Everyone wants me to get over it now, since it was "only a matter of time". I just want to be able to breathe again.

I have looked around but don't see a current thread on suicide loss. I lost my 15 year old son to suicide in January 2015. I read a lot about it because I'm so unfamiliar with the subject and want to understand the thoughts and feelings of a person considering suicide. My son Matthew kept it all inside, and we have no idea what his internal thoughts were leading up to this horrible surprise. Our lives are forever changed and will always be different, I am learning, and I am trying to accept this fact. I did read a few good books and would love to know if any of you have read any books (not articles) that actually helped in your understanding of suicide. I've read: "My son, My son" by Iris Bolton (EXCELLENT) Understanding Your Suicide Grief: Ten Essential Touchstones for Finding Hope and Healing Your Heart by Wolfelt PhD, Alan D.(EXCELLENT) Dying to Be Free: A Healing Guide for Families After a Suicide by Cobain, Beverly (Kurt Cobain's aunt) (BEST FOR UNDERSTANDING WHAT GOES ON IN THEIR MINDS) The Forgotten Mourners: Sibling Survivors of Suicide by "John's sister" (GREAT FOR SIBLINGS AND PARENTS) Healing the Adult Sibling's Grieving Heart: 100 Practical Ideas After Your Brother or Sister Dies (Healing Your Grieving Heart series) by Wolfelt PhD, Alan D. (REPETITIVE AND SIMPLE, DISLIKED)