SusanY

Kayc, I have to agree. The behaviors you are finding out about are a part of the disease. They aren't any kind of reflection on the type of person he was and don't, in any way, diminish his love for you!!! It also doesn't mean that you weren't strong/ loving..(insert your own word here) enough to save him from his disease. I think sometimes we aren't meant to save the world, only to improve the lives of those we love in some small part. Keep the memory of his love pure and cherish it!!

Walt, just know that she was walking beside you and knows what your feelings are. Your continuing to live and try are a testament to your shared love.

Wednesday – January 11th, 2006

It is 39 weeks today since my Jeannie died and I am really feeling quite low. Is there any end to this freaking misery or shall I be this way until I can be back with her again?

It is about 40 degrees outside tonite – quite warm for January in this part of the country. I decided maybe a nice walk might help to ease the pain. So I found my portable MP3 player that is loaded with the Anne Murray songs that Jean and I listened to together in Palliative Care at this time last year and headed out.

One thing good about walking at night is that you can cry all you want and no one knows. You can also talk to yourself and your loved one without “bothering” anyone else.

Some of the songs were also songs played at Jeannie’s funeral service so they brought back some sad memories also.

Overall the walk and talk was helpful to me – to realize what a great life that I had with my Jean! However, I sit here typing knowing that a significant part of me died last April. My only consolation is my belief that because I live on, part of Jeannie lives on with me. She’s right here in my heart!

I feel compelled to share these thoughts with you because I feel that you are true friends who can understand this “insanity”.

Thanks for being here ((((((((All))))))))

Dusky, this is not on topic for this particular posting, but I just wanted to let you know that your postings have made a difference for me two mornings in a row. I am new to the board and have been looking for ways of coping with the loss of my husband. Your insights were healing, as much as anything can be this early on, and helped me to understand a bit of the process.

You might no longer actively be involved with your loved one, but by sharing your experiences, you are contributing to the world and to others left behind in his honor. Thank you.