Lynnette

Hi, my 1st time too-not sure.

I lost Tommy 01-13-06.5 years together, he would have been 30 in February. After frantic lows & highs-I went to work Monday. I couldn't stay home where I had found him-I feel like I'm just going through the motions.I feel for you so deep-I think I'm insensitive sometimes-laiden with guilt. The rest the time I am weak-sobbing wishing he would just call me again at work. You miss the littlest things, loose it over chapstick. I guess what I'm trying to say is-nothing is wrong with you. No matter what's on the outside- no one really knows the void we now have. Try to be good to yourself-that's what they wanted to do for us.

Hi, this is the first time I've been on this site.

My husband Carl died almost 2 weeks ago, just a week after his 49th birthday. He's been sick all his life and in the last year he had spent a lot of time in the hospital but when the doctors told us that this was the end it still came as a shock to me. I think he knew how sick he was but kept it from me. We had two days together before he started spending most of his time asleep. In those two days we talked and he seemed to be accepting (although not giving up! He was stubborn) He held me as I cried, and I cried a lot in those first days.

His friends started arriving. The nurses lost count of how many people came to visit him. They had moved him to a private room and it seemed like it was always full of people - with as much laughter as tears. He woke up briefly when people came in and was able to talk for a short time before drifting off again. A friend, who is also one of Carl's favourite local musicians, played his favourite song and had every one in the room in tears.

By this time I had become quite calm. I helped care for him as much as I could and in quiet moments I'd crawl into bed with him and talk to him. I stayed there day and night and when the end came it was just him and me. I told him it way ok if he wanted to let go - every breath was a struggle. I told him his dad and Felix (our recently deceased cat) were waiting for him. I told him I would be ok and that some day we would be together again. He died holding my hand.

For the first few days afterwards I was a mess. I would have lost it completely if it wasn't for my son Peter. I had to call him once from the grocery store to to come get me because I was going around in circles and spacing out.

Within a couple of days I was calming down again. I still cried sometimes when I saw a picture of him (in fact I broke down in the photo store trying to explain to a very nice sales girl why I couldn't do my own digital photos) I wrote up a notice for his memorial party and passed it to as many people I could think of. Two of his friends wrote a wonderful obituary and I arranged to have it placed in the local paper. (you can read it on the web site they set up for him at Carl Smith)

All in all I became calmer and calmer. I got through the arrangements at the funeral home without crying more than once. I gave a short speech at the memorial. I started packing up his clothing. I went back to work.

I miss him terribly, he was the love of my life and my best friend. I still talk to him and I keep his pillow on the bed because it comforts me.

SO... what's wrong with me? I feel like I am too calm. Just the thought of losing him used to give me a crushing pain in my chest - now I feel like that space is empty instead. I haven't cried over him in days, although a TV show can still bring me to tears. I'm still dazed and spacey sometimes but I'm learning to function again. I feel guilty, like I'm not mourning properly. Am I a horrible person? What's wrong with me?

I'm sorry this post was so long, writing it really helped.

Thanks.

Fi