tigerbee

Dear One ~ I am so very sorry to learn of the death of your precious Kayde (Scrappy) . You're not "supposed" to be doing or feeling anything, my dear ~ it is enough just to get through the next moment, much less the rest of the day. You will feel what you feel, and there is not a soul who can tell you how to do this. There is no right or wrong way to do this. If there were, we wouldn't be here struggling to support one another as we each find our own way through. All we can do is assure you that you do not have to travel this difficult road alone. We are here for you, and we are walking right beside you. Would you consider sharing with all of us the beautiful poem that Kayde's team mates wrote for her? I know I would love to read it.

I'm so sorry for all the reasons that led you here to us today, but I am very grateful that you found us, and I know that you will always feel welcome here . . .

So true Marty. I am so thankful to have found this spot where I can come and sometimes read, write and know that SOMEONE understands.

I have been crying all morning today. I read a stupid article on yahoo when I logged onto my computer this morning. It was about Patrick Swayze's wife sending him a text message before she boarded a plane and then they mentioned rituals that other people do to remember their lost loved ones. There was a link to this website in that article so I clicked it. I was scrolling through some of the grieving individuals' posts and I clicked on yours because of the dates next to your daughter's name, she was about 23/24 years old. My Kadye was 21 when she was taken from us by a car accident four months ago. As I was reading your post, you said your daughter said, "It's all good, mom." and I completely lost it. My Kadye used to say the same thing. She was going to UT in Austin, she played on the women's club rugby team while there. We had two services for Kadye, one in Louisiana for our family and another in Texas where we have been living for awhile and all Kadye's friends are there. The entire women's rugby team from Austin came to both services. They dressed up for the one in Louisiana where we also buried Kadye but for the memorial service in Texas they had made t-shirt with "It's All Good" on the front and Scrappy (which was Kadye's rugby nickname) and the number 6 on the back. They even made on for me along with a shadow box with Kadye's jersy, which they retired, and pictures of her playing rugby and a beautiful poem that makes me cry when I read it. I'm sorry for rambling but I would really like to talk with someone who knows what I am going through because I don't even know what I'm supposed to be doing or feeling or anything. I miss her so much.

You can ramble all you want to and it would not bother me. It has been three years and it will be four on Feb. 17th. Although I have learned how to deal with things, I will never "get over it" as I have been so often advised. Yes, my Nikki was known for her "It's all good,mom and "where is the love?". It is a hard road for us and the pain at times seems unbearable but if you need me, I will be here to listen. You do whatever you need to do to help you through and your heart is so raw right now that if you need to cry, scream, yell or whatever, just do it. You don't have to apologize to people who don't understand and what I am reading reminds me of how hard it was and at times still is. My personal email is tigerbeefairy@yahoo.com if you just need to be heard. God Bless.

Wow! That is unreal all that you have gone through and I mean that. Wow just doesn't give it credit. i am so sorry and I see why you seem so strong. People like us need people like you.

Thank you wonderful Marty T. How odd it took over two years to find you and this wonderful place. I have gone on but I will NEVER get "over" Sara (Nikki to family) dying. How wonderful to meet someone who understands. If I may ask, what brought you here? I will off for a bit as I go to town but i will be back on later. Again, thank you for your kind and thoughtful words.

I cried and still do at times.

I grieved and still do at times.

I felt alone in a room full of people so may times.

I often became and become angry when it seems like you never existed to other people. Why is it taboo to mention your name?

I became so angry at times.

I learned to also be more understanding.

I grew my hair out.

I wrote and published a book and even though it was a rip off publisher, I STILL wrote the book and have it on my shelf to help others in grief.

I had no one who understood the loss of losing my child.

I listen in the quiet for the sound of your voice saying, "It's all good mom" and I remember your sweet smile.

You took a world that hated you for being "different" and made them love you because you never knew an enemy if they wanted to be your friend. You were a beautful soul both inside and out. You were also human with the usual human emotions but I know the world is few of the Sara's who bring light into a dull day and who lived, as you did, each day as if it were your last.

I love you Nik. Always.

My beautiful "Nikki". Born premature and slightly autistic, she struggled to live in a cold and sometimes cruel world for those who are "different" but her smile and her never ending, "It's all good" motto made friends of her enemies. She truly lived each day like it was her last. I love you Nik. Always.