lizardo

Thanks to everybody for sharing your stories and for the encouragement.

I certainly need the support, as the "shock and awe" of my husband's very sudden

death on April 29 is just now wearing off.... and I am one hurting unit.

And yeah it IS getting worse now that I can feel each tsunami of guilt and

anger and pain!! I know we have to feel the pain, not avoid it, blah blah blah

I understand all that happy horse hockey, but..... damn. Just damn.

But really, there are still things to be grateful for in the midst of all this,

and one of them is this forum and all you wonderful people on it.

Cheers,

Liz

Thanks much, Marty, I'll be looking for the book.

And thanks also Kayc for your likewise caring input!

Holy moly, Unrecognizable, you have an awful lot to deal with!! I had also considered leaving the marriage at various times, but bottom line: I was too lazy and

too attached to this place to leave. Your situation sounds very very harsh, the sudden accidental death of your husband, lots of people knowing you were going to

leave, perhaps some people treating you differently than before.... I really hope you have someone to talk to in person, to help you discuss the guilt you are dealing with. I know, talking seems futile, but saying something out loud makes it real (to me, anyway).

Have you tried writing him letters, or journalizing? It's not going to "fix" anything (some things are not fixable huh) but I have found writing helps get it out of my system.... also screaming in the car is good (he died in April, suddenly) but it hurts my throat and right now it's too hot to have the windows rolled up.

Between this and menopause and a shift in career, it's a wonder I haven't been installed in a rubber room!

I hope this helps, but please note that I am no professional anything, just another person experiencing things..... and what's left of my heart goes out to you, Un.

It would appear I'm simply meant to spend the bulk of the day crying.

I so hate this. All of it.

May I join in your hatred? Today I attended a retirement party for a close friend of my

husband's.... it was lovely except for having to tell about three people who hadn't heard,

that Darrell is dead. Cripes.

Wow Zeeks,

My heart goes out to you! I totally know what you mean about fighting to breathe (and it's not just the altitude) and feeling so alone despite the numerous

offers of help and support. My husband died April 29, so I guess I'm still in the shocky-stages, and although our marriage was, um, challenged, I miss him

terribly. Our sons are grown men now, and they are wonderful, in part because they had his excellent example of how to be a man. I really feel for you,

having to raise your daughters by yourself. Their independence is a testament to your solid parenting, and even though it does hurt a bit when they don't need you

every single day, please believe me when I tell you that adult kids are also going to want your help in the future! And good on you for going back to school--

that is my plan as well.

Here's a cool story about my husband: once our family was on a road-trip vacation and found ourselves at Circus Circus in Vegas. Wandering the carnival-type area,

we spot the game where you ring the bell by pounding on the target with a giant mallet. He was an ex-railroader with massive shoulders, so he just

wailed on that thing until a small crowd had gathered and he won two huge teddy bears, one for each kid..... but I took the best prize home, my Big 'D'.

Hope the anecdote lifted your spirits... and thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings--hugs!

Thank you Kayc, your insights are wonderful...

and hugs to every person on here!

Well people, I have a slightly different view of all this, but I sure don't understand either.

My husband walked off to be with Creator on April 29. It was sudden, so I feel like

I got away with something because there was no long illness to deal with, which in my more

logical mind I know is really dumb, yet there it is, my old pal GUILT. Now, I just got done

reading another post which stated that the tighter the couple, the more it hurts when death occurs.

I wouldn't know because my 27-year marriage was quite flawed, and we liked different things, separate

vacations, etc., but damn if I don't miss that big galoot tremendously!! As in, a physical pain

in my body, seriously, and I don't do drama (on purpose).

As far as ethereal loved ones looking on.... hmmm, I rather hope not, because we survivors are hurtin' units, and

the departed ought not worry about us temporary biological life forms. (Just my personal opinion, not trying

to start a debate here... everyone's comfort is different!)

So to all of you lovely folks who actually had a good or great marriage, I am so extremely sorry that

your best friend is gone from your side, but we'll all be together again, eventually.

And to widows & widowers of the complicated, the hard-headed, the stubborn, the absolutely ornery.....

you are not alone!! *Hugggsss*

Liz.

I am so sorry you're hurting, Babylady.... my husband died about a month before yours, so I understand how the pain feels just like a knife in the heart. I hate it

when I can't stop crying, too, as if I could just turn it off at will, pfffttt. We were married "only" 27 years, and a lot of that was not perfect, so my grief

is a little different than some (I am told that each person's grief is unique)..... I hope you feel these big strong hugs coming through from me, a total stranger

(and a totally strange one, at that!)

Liz

Dear Lizardo, Yes, this is very early into your journey. Grief is exhausting. I have never been so tired in my life after a day of doing nothing but grieving. It does get easier but these days are important for you to just allow yourself to feel your pain and do what is good for you. I agree...the word "should" just does not fit. I have learned over these almost 28 months that grief is my teacher and it won't destroy me. It will change me and has...forever. I wish you some peace filled moments today...memories of happy times which I found difficult to think about early on but which do help a bit. Peace, Mary

Thank you so much, Mary.... and many hugggsss all around to everybody who is hurting.

It's been awhile since I posted, too.... my husband's been gone since the end of April,

which I guess is not that long ago (time is s-t-r-e-t-c-h-i-n-g out in a very

grotesque way), but a whole day can come and go and I have got nothing done at all.

Yeah, going through the motions is exactly it. Drink the water, eat the food, take the

shower, brush the teeth, do whatever, go to bed.... blah. Luckily I have a few pets that

demand some attention, and my friends won't let me sit around too much... but right

now, just the thought of arranging all the stuff I need to do in the near future (going

back to school to start a different career, thanks to a little insurance money) exhausts

me to the bone, when I should be all happy and excited about it.

My heart goes out to everybody here; we're all hurting so much, yet there IS comfort to be had.

I would like to share a groovy little piece of advice I received recently: let's all

eliminate the word "should" from our vocabularies (and take out woulda and coulda while we're

at it) because as bereaved people we are under no obligation to do ANYTHING except care for

ourselves. I have also been told repeatedly to be kind to myself. What a concept--it's

greek to me! I have a lot of issues, but sometimes I do listen and learn, so yes, there

are miracles in this mean ol' world.

Hope this was of help to anybody else walking around in these crummy shoes.

Wow do I feel the pointlessness of it all today... hate it when I feel so

negative too, because I do have lots and lots of good days, even a great day

here and there. My husband has been gone less than two months, so I don't

know why I am being so hard on myself (why ask why, it's always been this way

and probably will continue). Father's day wasn't actually that bad, but today

is my son's 27th birthday, and after he and I spent some time together earlier, I went

home and haven't quite stopped bawling since! For heaven's sake, I really have

better things to do, and I recognize that it's the lack of control that is driving

me crazy. I hear you all saying that it won't last forever, and I sure appreciate

knowing that fact. Maybe I am so extra-sad because I think about how those two would

have gone golfing and joked about how bad they are (true, but beginners both of them)

and his sudden absence just hurts me so much... ack, tomorrow will surely be better

than this. Thanks again,

Liz.

Harry,

Thank you for the wonderful perspective on this grieving process.

I am an infant of six weeks--a baby that will smile and look

at you and stuff, but it's probably just gas. And when I fill

my emotional diaper, I have to change it myself. Unfair!

But this forum is great, hopefully I can help someone else, too.

Hugs,

Liz.

Thank you Anthony, Kayc, and Missing-Him.

So many lovely people here, helping each other get through

this pain... I appreciate the support so much, and send

my heart and hugs out to you all!

Liz

Thanks much Jan and Mary. I'll return in a couple days

as I'm going down to Colorado Springs to see my brother,

with my sister who is visiting from Montana. It's quite

nifty that a cousin of ours has a summer place nearby, and

she can and will host my various and many siblings as they

troop through here to check on me. And my awesome son doesn't

mind coming to take care of the dog while I'm away.

So, lots of things can and do go right, I just have to keep that

fact in mind during the darker days.

Hope you all have a good weekend!

Looking forward to corresponding with you,

Liz.

PS Hi-hacking? I meant hi-jacking! (LOL but it does kinda work)

Hello people,

I am new here, please call me Liz. My husband of 27 years died suddenly April 29, 2012.

You all sound so nice, and you definitely have walked in these terrible shoes. The financial

nonsense alone is driving me crazy! I "think" everything will be ok, but I have a lot to

ponder regarding the next 15 years, as I just turned 50 last year, and was in the midst of a

change in career anyway. There is a ton of support for me here, but somehow it's better to

"talk to strangers," perhaps because I don't want to burden my sons or anyone else who is also

hurting because Big 'D' is dead. It is so hard to talk to these various businesses ALL DAY,

EVERY DAY (ok not the weekends) and remain civil, focused, and strong, while really I would like

to sit down in the middle of the floor and have a tantrum! I thought I had been

angry at times in my life before, but this is some really black rage I have going here, I scare

myself sometimes. I read the rules, so I will keep my language clean here, but, as you can imagine,

the cussing has been totally epic (as the kids would say).

Hope this isn't considered "hi-hacking" your thread, but I wanted to add my voice to the support and

understanding going out to you... hey, it's important to me to be of help to others, and this is cool

because I live pretty far away from anything, and this requires no driving.

Hugs to all.