Darkangel Dawn

My brother Joe died on January 9th this year, three days after my 22nd birthday. Growing up we were close, we were only four years apart ( he was 26 ). Its been almost five months and I feel like every step I take I'm moving three steps back. Sometimes I "remember" and it hits me like I'm hearing it for the first time again. Other times I cant even remember what being happy and him being alive feels like. During the last years of his life we drifted apart, I moved away and we weren't the type to call constantly and keep up with each other. We still don't know what happened exactly but we did find out after the autopsy was he did have an enlarged heart. My dad was the one that found him. I think Ive stopped crying for me and now I just cry for my parents and Joe. I cant stop thinking of any pain he felt, he was found in the bathroom where he apparently struggled before falling and hitting his head on the bathtub. I hope he didn't know what was happening, I'm so sorry no one was there for him and its what hurts me most. He never had a real relationship other than high school girlfriends and I'm so angry he didn't have more time. I'm lucky to have someone who has supported me entirely throughout this and I'm mad he was cheated of love and life. I'm jealous of people who have seemingly "easy" lives. Everytime I see anything that he liked or I know he would have I breakdown. My brother loved beef jerky and I don't think I can ever eat it again. My parents are in so much pain and I do not know what to do. I have nightmares hearing how my mom sounded when my dad first told her. I don't think she will ever be the same person again. I don't want to let them know how I feel because they feel what I feel times a million and I don't want to put that on them. I keep holding it in until my boyfriend is at work and I just break down every time. Every time I get in the car to drive home from work I cry. I feel like none of my friends have been supportive and since they initially reached to me when it first happened no one has called or written since. I feel like the acceptance people talk about is realizing this will never go away and you will feel a part of this forever but I don't know if I can do this forever. None of my family has reached out to me. Im glad I found this sight and just writing this and getting it out feels a little bit better.

Caitlyn, I can guarentee you that your brother felt no pain what so ever. My son Dairik passed 3 weeks ago of Hypertrophic Cardiomyopathy and this is what was told to us by the cardiologist..Please take comfort in knowing this more than likely pertains to your brother Joe also. ... He had a pre existing condition of an enlarged heart- likely since birth. Nothing anyone would have ever known- unless there were symptoms. The doctors say what happened was 1 in 1,000. Once the heart skips a beat it try's to make up for

that moment and goes into shock which creates an arrhythmia (it beats way too fast for the body to handle) the saving grace with this type of condition is that there is no thought process- no pain- no realization as to what was even going on. The last thing Dairik will ever remember is exactly what he was touching or doing. He had not a single clue that anything was going to happen so in turn there was no shock no being scared no regrets no feeling... What so ever.

On July 19th my whole world crashed. I lost my 23 yr. old son Dairik to Hypertrophic Cardiomyopathy ( enlarged heart ) We never knew of his condition because there were never any symptoms.I told him I loved his as he walked into work that morning and 1 hr. later my baby boy was gone. The only saving grace that is keeping me sane is knowing he felt absolutely no pain when he passed. Having to call his 25 yr. old brother Damien was heartbreaking. I cry everyday especially at lunch time because we ate together everyday for 2 yrs. He was my baby boy and my best friend. I laughed everyday when I was around him and when he and his brother got going it at night i would be in tears from laughing so hard.Now there is silence and I seldom laugh. My son Damien feels like he shouldn't be laughing or having any type of fun because his brother/best friend isn't here to share it with him.I try not to let him see me cry so as not to bring him down anymore than he already is..I haven't been to a grief counselor because I am an extremely shy and emotional person. I would have an anxiety attack and would be unable to speak. I guess I just need to deal with this on my own. Just wondering how many other parents have lost their child to this horrible condition..