KristinP

Thank you and I'm sorry for your loss as well. I certainly can relate to being alone and having health issues too. It makes it so much harder I think when there isn't anyone close. My friends and family have been very supportive too and I'm very thankful for that. I'm glad that you at least have one person there. I have Brenda and she's been so helpful.

Hugs back

Kristin

Hi Kay,

Thank you I appreciate the support. I did think about going to a support group but I'm moving back home in a couple of weeks. I'm going to go stay with a good friend for a little bit until I can figure out what I'm going to do. Since I won't be here long I figured it would be better to find a group when I get back home.

I am still in shock it's been so hard. I have seen his kids. His ex had me come over the day he died to talk with them. Katie, shes the oldest at 13, she's internalizing it mostly, she hasn't been able to cry yet. I tried to explain to her that that's it's ok that she would when she was ready to. She has a lot of guilt right now because she had been avoiding his phone calls the weeks before he passed. She was mad at him because he did see her as often as she would have liked. He knew that, we had talked about it and told her that he wasn't mad at her for it, I hope that helped her. Emmy shes only 11 now. She's bipolar and very emotional, she crys all the time. She's having a really hard time and my moving is making it worse for her, she dosen't want me to go. I tried to explain to her that I had to but that I'd always only be a phone call away, that she call or text me or email or message me anytime she wanted. She has texted me a few times since then and she still seems so upset.

I know you're right about the time thing and I'm sure it will get easier but the not knowing how long that time is can be unbarable. I'm doing my best to hang in there. Thanks again for everything.

Kristin

Enna,

Thank you I'm glad you liked. It was just a way to let somethings out. Normally I don't share what I write very often but I thought it might be ok to here. I'm glad I found this fourm everyone has been so supportive and that helps a lot right now. Its nice to know people are there to listen and I'll gladly do the same for anyone else.

Kristin

Pam,

Thank you I appreciate that and I'm sorry for your loss too. I'm glad I came across this fourm everyones been so nice and that really does help.

Kristin

Hi Mary,

Thank you I appreciate the support, it's much needed right now. Yeah I guess I am still in shock. I'm glad I found this fourm too, it helps talking with people that really understand. Sure the people around me are very sympathic but really don't know what it's like because they haven't been through it. I do have two friends that have been but one just lost her partner a few months ago so I try not to lean on her to much and the other is a friend who I grew up with who has now lost two wives, the last was also a childhood friend of mine. He's been a Godsend, and has been there for me everyday, I don't know what I would have done without him. At least for me it helps to hear how others deal with this and to see how some have come so far. My emotions are so jumbled now, I cry all the time. One minute I'm sad filled with such a sense of loss and the next I'm angry and keep asking why or I'm angry at myself for not taking better care of him but through it all I feel empty and alone and have so many regrets. I know in time I will learn to deal with this better but right now I just don't know how.

Thank you again it means a lot to me to see others care and more so that they understand

Kristin

The House That Was Our Home

By Kristin Pfliegler in remembrance of Dan my partner, my best friend

As I sit here all alone

In the house that was our home

My thoughts turn to you

Knowing theres nothing I can do

To stop the aching

To stop my heart from breaking

My tears begin to fall

As I sit here staring at the wall

A house so full of life

Now cuts me like a knife

Because you are no longer here

Never again will I hold you near

As I begin to cry

I wonder why, why did you have to die

Its so unfair

We had so much left to share

I walk from room to room

Hoping Ill see you soon

Then reality hits me

For that will never be

So in this house alone I sit

With a candle I have lit

In memory of you

For I know not what else to do

As I lie here in our bed

Thinking of all the things unsaid

As I stare at the place

Where on a pillow Id once see your gentile face

Its no longer there

And thats more then I can bare

What am I to do?

Now that I no longer have you

Sure my family and friends are there

And they truly do care

But they can not see

What this has really done to me

I want to scream and yell

For this house has become my hell

Ive locked myself inside

From the world I now hide

My heart begins to race

Alone in this empty place

Alls I do is cry

For I know not how to say goodbye

How do I go on

Now that youre gone

Everywhere I look

From the kitchen to a book

Its only you I think of

Wondering if you watching me from above?

Do you feel my empty heart

Now that were apart?

Can you see

Just how much you meant to me?

Can you feel the pain

Thats been driving me insane?

Do you really know

How my love for you did grow?

Can you see my tears?

Can you feel my fears?

Oh how I miss your touch

God I miss you so much!

So many things I regret

So many memories I will never forget

For in my heart

You will always have a part

I know youre in a better place

Even though that may be the case

My pain it does not ease

Or stop me from falling to my knees

I know your suffering is no more

But it hurts knowing you will never again walk through that door

A home this house never again will be

For you no longer are here to share it with me.

Where do I begin, I guess it all starts with Dan. He was my fiancee, my partner, my best friend. We were together for years; we planned on getting married but we just never got around to it. It was just a piece of paper and without it didn't mean we loved each other any less. Dan was a diabetic but we pretty much had that under control for the most part, sure there were ups and downs where it was concerned but not life threatening. Almost three years ago we decided to move to Tenn to be closer to his kids; Katie and Emily who are now only 13 and 11, to young to have lost their father. Only a few weeks after we got here did I have to rush him to the hospital where he was diagnosed with end stage renal failure and put on dialysis 4 days a week with sessions lasting 5 hours at a time. We knew it was serious but never did I think it would take his life so quickly, I mean I know people who have been on dialysis for years. It took a lot out of him, I could see that, he was tired more oten and other times he just had no strength to do much of anything. We just couldn't get his potassium under control. On the evening of the 13th he started throwing up, he though he just had a stomach bug and we went to bed. Early the next morning he got me up and told me that he was throwing up blood and that when he went to the bathroom there was also blood, so I called an ambulance but wouldn't go with them I rushed him to the hospital myself. His potassium was really high and they couldn't get it under control. When that happens it causes your organs to shut down, which it did and then caused him to go into cardiac arrest. They tried for a half hour to save him but they couldn't. My whole world came crashing down that afternoon. It was so hard to have to call his parents to tell them their son had died. Since Dan was so sick since we moved here we didn't go out much therefore we really didn't meet any new friends, well except for Brenda and she's been a God send through all this, but I try not to lean on her to much since she just lost her partner suddenly three months ago herself. Unfortunatly most of my friends and close family are back in NJ so I'm alone here that just makes this even harder. Sure they call and email but it's not the same a hug or a shoulder to cry on. I'm no stranger when it comes to loss, my mom died when I was 18 and my dad when I was 29 and I've lost some close friends over the years, sure they all hurt a great deal but it's different when it's the person you spend every day with. I know the stages of greif I've been through them before but somehow I just don't know how to get through them right now. I know in time I will, that it will get easier but this time when that finally comes I just don't know what to do without him, he was such a big part of me and I lost part of myself when he died.

I don't think it's wrong to vent or to feel the need to appologize for it. See I can relate, Dan just died a little over 2 weeks ago and hurts sometimes more then I think I can handle. I also understand the feeling alone, I'm miles away from any of my family and close friends and only makes it harder. I think sometimes we just need to talk and for someone to be there to simply listen and there's nothing wrong with that. We all greive in our own ways and in our own time so if you're not ready to look at those pictures just yet then don't you will when you're ready to

Kristin