Mia1

Firstly, I'm so grateful for this forum and for the professionals who take the time to participate in it. I need support and am relieved that it can be so accessible as I search for grief groups in my area.

My mother died a month ago. She was in poor health from diabetes related issues and had been in a nursing home for the past year and a half but wasn't at death's door by any means. I believe she died of a broken heart, from losing her will to live. My parents divorced 15 years ago and I was somewhat estranged from her in that I didn't want to visit or move back because I thought I had to take care of myself. One brother visited her from time to time but mostly kept his distance. My other brother stayed away entirely because he had a horrible toxic relationship with her. She lived alone and died alone in a nursing home.

I'd been waiting for her to apologize and own up to how she treated me when I was younger. In the past decade and with the clarify of hindsight, she became softer and more open to engaging with me differently and I didn't respond in kind. At least not entirely. I didn't visit over the holiday and almost always refused her requests for visits or to move back. Now that she's gone, almost all of my anger at her has disappeared. I don't have conflicted feelings about how she treated me in the past. I have incredible guilt, regret and self-loathing for not forgiving her and creating a new relationship with her when she reached out to me, which I know was difficult for her, being the type who doesn't reach out to others. The self hatred is too much to bear sometimes so I deflect it onto god.

It feels like I was living a big lie about needing to heal from my wounds and stay away from my family (especially my mother) because now it feels like I was capable of being someone else but I chose not to. It hurts so much to see how I treated her in her time of need and I don't want to hear that I did my best or that I have to forgive myself, that my mom's choices were her own. I became the only light in her life and I consciously denied her the joy I knew I could give her. I don't know what I need to hear but I hope someone has a similar experience and can empathize with what I'm going through.