Kakalina

Such beautiful words and so well written. I guess I reacted differently than most. After my beloved Virgil died in my arms on the floor of our living room I decided I could not look at the carpet every day. It was close to ruined anyway. I chose to replace all the floors with wood flooring. Most of the furniture had been moved out of the living room for all the hospice equipment and since it was gone and the floors were being replaced I decided to repaint.

I basically ended up completely redoing our entire condo. I had to. I could not face the many, many pictures on our "travel wall". I have not put them back up. A few have made their way out here and there. His clothes are boxed up. Nothing personal is in constant view.

It really didn't help. I still see and sense him everywhere. It will be seven months on the 10th of this month and I mourn every single day. Sometimes that kicked in the gut feeling that just takes your breath away is more than I can stand. But I stand it because there is no other choice. I am alive.

I was thinking about how it will be when I finally meet up with my beloved and wrote the following poem. I hope it may bring some peace.

We should have grown old together

That’s how it should have been

Growing wrinkled and gray side by side

In love and holding hands

But you were taken from me

Just left me all alone

I guess I’ll have to go on, and grow old on my own.

But how will you see me

When we finally meet again?

Will you see me old and gray

Or will you see me young again?

Will you see the me you first met

Or the me you left behind?

It won’t matter what you see

As long as you’re still mine.

For death is just a moment

When you had to step away

In my heart, I do believe

We’ll meet again someday.

And when that someday gets here

No matter when that day may be

I can’t stop myself from picturing

How happy we will be.

Together again, and holding hands

How happy we will be.

Thank you Anne, that is very kind. I don't post much. I am just not ready to join conversations yet. I do spend a lot of time writing. I hope it may help relieve someone else's pain.

I sit in your chair, Look out at your view

Trying to feel, a small part of you

I hold your ball cap up to my face

Sniffing hard inhaling the trace

Of the smell that remains,

I’m afraid it will fade.

I remember the love deep in the night

But also the pain when things weren’t quite right

You were not perfect Lord, neither was I

Together we managed most of the time

Oh! You could get angry, yell like a champ

Your eyes all icy, your face red and damp.

I knew where it came from, that childhood abuse

I just loved you through it, tried keeping it loose.

But oh God the joy when I made you glad

The absolute best times we ever had.

On shipboard you shone, how you loved to cruise

The pampering, the ports, the many places to snooze.

The Pinnacle Grill was your favorite place

To relax for a night , really stuffing your face.

You had your faults, I have them too

Together we managed to have quite a few.

The laughter that glued us was ours from the start

What kept us together and bound our two hearts.

Our love for adventure, travel and friends

Are the things that sustain me now it’s all at an end.

The things I remember, the laughter we shared

And the way when it mattered, you always were there.

The latest poem.

I love it.. and I"m going to share it with my friend that recently spread her son's ashes on a mountain top in Colorado.

Thank you. You are more than welcome to do so. It truly expresses my feelings about spreading his ashes.

Thank you both. I just can't seem to stop writing right now and that is something I really had not done in , well a long, long time. I appreciate that you think it is good, I think the good thing about them is the catharsis that they provide.

I just returned from a week in Honolulu where I took my beloved's ashes. He wanted them there in the ocean. It was a day fraught with laughter, tears, mistakes, aborted attempts and difficult stubbornness - just like my man. Here are the lyrical results of my journey. I hope y'all like it. Imagine a brisk country beat.

Flyin’ Free On The Wind

When the tears are all over, and the pain fades away

I will smile fondly and remember this day.

Returning you where you longed to be,

Is a heartbreaking journey to set you free.

“Flyin’ free on the wind

Flyin’ free on the wind with you once again

Flyin’ free on the wind my love,

Flyin’ free on the wind”

To sink down in the ocean, be one with clouds

Flyin’ high on the wind where freedom abounds

To let go your worries, your pain and your care,

Those constant burdens you no longer bear

( chorus) “Flyin’ free on the wind

Flyin’ free on the wind with you once again

Flyin’ free on the wind my love,

Flyin’ free on the wind

”Your spirit can rise with moon and set with the sun

Circle the stars until you are one

With all that is and all that will be,

One day when I join you,

We both will be free.

(chorus) “Flyin’ free on the wind

Flyin’ free on the wind with you once again

Flyin’ free on the wind my love,

Flyin’ free on the wind”.

Here is the latest, sort of bluesy with a staccato beat: Hope you like it.

Started to go somewhere today
But I got lost along the way
Cause you weren’t there to guide me;

Thought that I was forgettin’ somethin’
Stared about but there was nothin’
Then I looked around with open eyes,
and that was when I realized
What’s missing was you beside me.

I feel a part of me is missin’
I watch for hours and find I listen
For the sound of your footstep on the stair
I strain to hear and then I start
To look around with racing heart
But you’re not there.

I pray to see your face each night
I reach around turn off the light
Still we’re apart
It’s really hard for me to face
Your pillow and your empty place
My broken heart.

Started to go somewhere today
I feel so lost I think I’ll stay, At home and dream of you.

Thanks for having a place I can share. I can not yet bring myself to speak too much about my love and what I am going through. But, I can write my music for him and for me.

And here is the latest, I really like this one.

Once upon a time , I loved a man

Once upon a time, a man loved me

Once upon a time, there was an us

There was a we.

Once upon a time, there was laughter

Once upon a time, there was a dream,

Once upon time, there was a rainbow

We chased after -

Once upon a time, there was love,

Once upon a time, there was forever

Once upon a time, there was we there was us

Once upon a time, once upon a time

Once upon a time .. . there was love.

Thank you that is nice of you to say Kay.

I had my very first dream about him last night. It was wonderful and terrible at the same time. For when I woke up and realized it was a dream my heart broke all over again. Sometimes I don't think I can stand this.

I wrote the first song just before we learned my beloved Virgil was dying. I wrote the second two weeks after his diagnosis and one week before he died. I just felt the need to share them as he is the only one who has ever heard them. Of course, all I can show you are the lyrics.

Yesterdays

How did it happen,

Why did we change,

When did we wake up

And find we were strangers

The love and the laughter

Well they've seen us through

Yet when was the last time

We said , " I love you"

So long, so long, so long together

I don't know where you stop

Or where I begin

So long, so long, so long together

We made it this far

That makes us winners

And so here we are love

Wrinkled and grey

Not many tomorrow's

But oh, those yesterdays

Our yesterdays, those yesterdays

"Let Me In"

I can feel your pain, let me in

I know your hurting and scared let me in

I just want to touch you

And show you how much you,

Mean to me while I still can.

Don't turn away let me in,

Hear what I say let me in.

You've lived in your world

And I've lived in mine

But darling we haven't

Got very much time.

I'm always here, holding you near

We can face this fear, let me in.

Together we can face this

Let me in.

Particularly bad morning. I thought I heard my love calling for me and jumped out of bed. I twisted my ankle I was trying to get to him so fast. I must have flashed back to the last days when his best friend and I were on 12 hours shifts. It got very hectic and once or twice I fell asleep in the chair and woke up with him having a panic attack. Those days seem so long ago and yet it hasn't been two months.

I would give anything I have to be that overworked, overtired and overwhelmed again. It was an honor to do all I could to relieve his discomfort. I wish so hard I could have done more.

It's unfathomable to me that one can go on and appear so calm and collected on the outside whilst your heart is breaking on the inside and the pain is so palpable that you wonder how others can't feel the waves of it coming off you.

Thank you all so much for your words of comfort and support. I find myself wandering from room to room as if I were looking for my love. I find myself singing all the sad songs I know and crying and crying. I find myself lying down on the spot where he died and wishing so hard I could feel him somehow.

I have looked at local bereavement groups and most of them are connected with some church or other and I don't want that right now. I am angry and right now I find no comfort in God. I wish I could.

Sometimes I want so hard for all those silly things one see in movies to be true and that there was a way to contact each other or know he is watching over me; but I don't believe in that and can't pretend that I do. Again, I wish I could.

I am disgustingly pragmatic at times and that doesn't allow much wiggle room for what if's. Even though we did have time to say goodbye I don't feel as if I said the right things, or the important things or the necessary things. I just tried so hard to not say anything that might burden him more or cause him distress. Just said I love you a million times and touched him as much as I could. It wasn't enough - it will never be enough.

I feel overwhelmed, vulnerable, alone, scared and hopeless. I need a big hug so bad and a shoulder to cry on. Thanks all of you for being mine.

It was 49 days ago today that my beloved husband of 36 years passed away. It still seems like a bad dream. I stare at his picture and just cry and cry.

He was knew he was dying and he didn't tell me. He knew how sick he was and wanted to "spare" me so he waited until it was way too late to do anything. I took him to the ER on Jan. 16th because he couldn't breathe. On Feb. 10th he died at home under hospice care of lung cancer linked to Agent Orange.

He was a 100% disabled Viet Nam veteran. He had just turned 66. We've been retired and together 24/7 since 2000. I just don't know how to be alone. We did everything together ( except he didn't go to the gym with me ). We traveled extensively and loved taking long cruises to exotic places.

That's all over now. He did not believe in life insurance. I won't starve but our wonderful life style is gone. That special joy we had in discovering new places is gone.

I don't know how anyone stands the quiet. It is so darn quiet in the house now. I know I am rambling but I just don't know how to begin to imagine life without my love. How do you get through it?

I have no family and no close friends left nearby. I feel terribly alone and, well, I guess most of you know how I feel one way or another. How long did it take before you joined a bereavement group or something like it?

Thanks for listening and thanks for being here.