Harleyquinn

just to update on 11/13/2015 my father found out he also has prostate cancer. unfortunately we do not know much yet (if it's spread etc) 

to be honest - with everything that has happened- Michael passing and my father.. i've just gone numb. i haven't cried for Michael in over a week now, although I still think about him daily... i feel like my entire emotional center has just shut down 

44 years ago the love of my life was born. Although we would not meet for another 32 years.

Michael,
In grief I think about you every day. You being gone feels so overwhelming. 
However, today I celebrate your life instead of grieving your passing. The day I met you will always be my favorite memory- it was the day I first looked into your eyes- the day your smile and laughter changed my life. Your presence made my life brighter.
Every day I remember how blessed I am to have been loved by you.

SCBA- thank you for responding. after thinking about it for a bit i've decided to push off as a coincidence. =)

let me start by saying

i am a very logical person, normally. a lot of that has gone out the window recently after the loss of Michael. I hope and believe in things I would have never before...

so  please..call me out if this sounds totally crazy......

I was online in a chat group with people who 'read' people. Mediums etc.. 

now, this being online, i was more interested in watching what was going on than joining, i didn't really believe anything- it was for fun etc......but they asked read me and it was all free and fun/games so whatever. sure. not thinking anything of it. 

when I talk to Michael daily, I beg him to show me something...it's been especially dark in my head recently and I just....need....something from him. 

let me be clear- other than setting up a username, i have posted nothing else in my profile for that group. nothing about Michael. nothing about losing someone. not my actual name. nothing. because i didn't take it seriously as a real way to reach Michael or anything (and I still don't). they have a username for me (harleyquinn) that i set up when i joined and that's it. 

this is the message that came from someone (copied and pasted exactly has it was provided to me- so sorry for any typos) :

Harlequinn - Sometimes when we are looking so hard for something that we so desire then we miss it when it shows  just like when you look up at the night sky looking for one particular star we miss it when it shines right next to us as we are so desiring it to light up in one place.  Sometimes we should just let the star show when ready and where ready. As sometimes for something so special shouldnt it be for us when we trully need it and they know that rather than when we want. Sometimes we should just let spirit choose when, where and how as they trully know how special it will be for us x 

I don't know...it kind of knocked the wind out of me. and i don't want to grasp at straws to make something fit that doesn't. but i spend so much time asking Michael to give me signs...to give me something... I don't think Michael came through but it just feels like this person picked up on something in me.  

so...please tell me i'm losing my mind, that it was a lucky guess out of...i don't where haha  so i can go back to being my logical self. it just doesn't make sense to me.

I am so sorry for all you went through. I can't even imagine the physical and mental toll that took on you, along with everything else.

I hope your recovery is a smooth one and i have no doubt your wife saw you through it all! 

today started rough

cried all the way to work....

and all day long, i've felt like, pins and needles throughout my body... you know when your foot falls asleep the pins and needles you get...it's like that but not as painful all over...and my body is just numb....i hope i'm not getting sick

i have not been to the gym in a few days, so i am going to go for a run after work... see if that helps

I have a Halloween party to go to on Saturday- call me crazy but these days I am not in the partying mood

Thank you Marty! I will check it out.....

Whenever I hear, "use your imagination to keep them alive"...to me it feels like, make-believe haha I know that is not how it is intended in these books i just wish it was worded a bit differently so it doesn't feel so much like they are saying, believe in fairytales....  maybe that is just something that is coming from inside of me..... i tend to be a bit sensitive these days to things that would have never previously bothered me

This. I feel like Michael must get so frustrated on the other side if he is around me. wondering wth I am searching for. but since i haven't really been able to feel him, i'm searching for him. until i can feel him, or get validated in some other way that he is around me i will continue to search for him 

I don't think it's stupid at all.

this is one excerpt, but i have read similar things countless times 

Showing Up As an Insect or Animal.

Your loved one in Heaven is now pure energy… They are able to channel their energy into an insect or animal, for a brief period of time to bring you a sign that their spirit lives on.
They may appear to you in this way as a butterfly, dove, rabbit, dragonfly, or any other number of insects or animals… When this happens, the animal or insect will usually do something that is out of character that catches your attention. They may land on your hand, come into your home, or appear closely, right in front of you as if they are communicating.
This is a common type of communication from spirit. If something like this happens to you, trust that your loved one is with you, and letting you know that they are okay, and that you are not alone.

Harleyquinn, I think you have taken good "measures" for your reading! 

thank you. as much as I want to have validation that Michael is around me- I want it to be real. so i am trying to go in open, but with a healthy level of skepticism 

 And I liked your tatoo

I almost didn't share my tattoo, because I know a lot of people will say... "you will regret that later"  or "you won't like it when you are 80 yrs old"  haha 

when I first started getting tattoos years ago (i was 19 when i got my first one) my one rule was- no names. I would not mark my body with names- so many people regret it after they break up. Michael however, will always be the love of my life. When i met him my entire world changed. We were together for such a short period of time and I know logically our marriage didn't last like everyone else on this board but our love lasted past our divorce. Divorce is just papers with signatures filed with the court. to Michael, i was always his wife regardless. 

I also like that it doesn't look like a memorial tattoo. the meaning is very personal to me- and when asked I won't tell most people it is for Michael because they will press for more information that is not something I want to provide to them. Maybe eventually i'll be more open to talking but for right now- other than the words I type on these boards- it's still too much emotionally for me to talk about Michael. This tattoo is for me. to comfort me when I look at it. So for everyone who asks what the MM inside the heart stands for- I simply say Mickey Mouse haha which blends into all my other Disney tattoos and the questions stop. 

nights are the hardest for me. after my mind calms itself from the day and i'm left to my own thoughts. 

I am not a morning person, so i wait until the last second until i have to get up and am usually so rushed i don't have time to think

recording it is a great idea! i just did a quick search and it looks like there are apps that will auto record calls (both sides of it)... i think i'll download a couple and test them out...! 

glad to hear the dentist went well!

I hate the dentist...so i avoid it...i really should make myself go.... 

get some rest and I hope the pain goes away quickly !

I  did provide my full name. 

my facebook privacy settings are pretty tight. closed off to those on friends list only- and even then, i have not posted anything regarding Michael on facebook. 

Since we were divorced, my last name has changed and is no longer his- it would be hard for them to find any information linking me to him  

haha please be paranoid, i've tried to search my brain for things that might make it easy for them to cold read...but you may think of something i have missed

i need to watch this when i get off work today.

I had a small panic attack this morning when i started wondering if all my beliefs in the afterlife was just me reaching for comfort and not real.

I do have an appointment with a medium in February. A few things about my appointment that i like: 

1. it's a phone reading. So she has no idea what I look like and cannot pick up on any visual clues.
2. as of right now, she and her office has not asked for any information about me except my name and phone number. if they ask anything prior to the appointment it will be hard to believe much after that. she has no idea how old I am, or any other personal details. 
3. She specifically states she does not want anything other than yes or no answers throughout the reading. 

I believe if everything above remains the same, the chances of a "cold" reading is very very small...almost impossible. I will also know right away if Michael comes through. They say you hold on to your personality- and Michael had a HUGE unique personality. It would be very hard for even someone who knew him to pass off information as Michael to me. I knew him in ways no one else did. 

it may end up being a big waste of money, and if so- lesson learned. but if there is even the slightest chance Michael can come through, I need to try....

Thank you debi! The two M's is actually for his first and last name....both M names...

Every tattoo on my body is from important period of time in my life....it just seemed fitting that he would have a place on my body

Debi- I hope things get a bit easier. Life is overwhelming right now and it seems things just keep piling on. 

thank you guys!

Amy...the right tattoo is def. important. There is nothing in this world i love more than Disney...except for Michael... so the Mickey hands in a heart is perfect...it's a symbol of all the things I love and I feel really good every time i look at it

got a tattoo!

I know everyone has different feelings regarding tattoos. But Michael loved tattoos., he had several..and so do I. 

so today i added a new one to my collection....Mickey Mouse hands in the shape of a heart with his initials in the heart

..sorry i know the picture is kind of big

Mitch

I totally get everything your saying, Michael died from complications from cirrhosis of the liver. I knew he had it- but somehow  i thought, it wouldn't  take him- regardless of the fact that he didn't take great care of himself.... i don't really know what i thought....part of it was i couldn't my mind couldn't process the idea of him dying..part of it might of just been naivety; i'm 33 years old and i've never lost any one close to me....

When Michael passed, i also did not want to live anymore- darkness swept over my mind, heart and soul. i've had a lot of really hard moments in my life and this was the first time i really really wanted to die. 

things is still darkness for me and i have a feeling there always will be. but i realized last night that as much as i thought Michael would never die, at least not at the age of 43, i shouldn't make the same mistake with myself. I will die one day. I don't know when that day will come but it will......it could be a week from now or it could be 60 years from now. I really don't know. and I want to make something of whatever time i have left. 

it is still hard...but i know Michael would want me to live my life as best as possible. he would want me to smile again, and my hope it someday i will. 

Well...I spent 20 minutes crying in the gym parking lot (also cried the entire 20 minute drive to the gym ) before I could get it together enough to go in and workout

So that's been my Friday night....

I do feel better after working out.....perhaps it was a mixture of uncontrollable crying and working out....

that is amazing! i really love it!! thank you for sharing

yeah it's always been a personality trait of mine....harder on myself than anyone else could ever possibly be. 

I guess now is as good a time as any to work on that 

looking at his picture today has been really difficult. i just want to feel him hug me and tell me it will be Ok

scba, 

I spent a lot of time researching the medium I made an appointment with- unfortunately my appointment is so far away but I feel like, if she is good and doesn't just give me a bunch of blanket statements  it will be worth the wait. I know a lot of people have found comfort through mediums and that is what I hope for.

I really have to work on being kinder to myself, and somehow releasing the guilt - it's just so hard I carry so much weight on my shoulders

It's been, probably at least a week until i've cried at work...that is huge for me.

I cry on the way to work, and then on the way home..... but i've managed to hold it together at work. 

today that streak was broken, when i completely broke down again, luckily i made it to the bathroom before i became a sobbing mess. 

I decided to turn on Long Island Medium the other day- I don't really know why, I've never watched the show before and even after Michael passed, I was not interested in it. but something came over me and I turned it on- I went as far back as the show goes on Hulu, Season 5 episode 1

although not exactly the same- there was a woman who was separated from her husband for a year before he had passed- and hadn't spoken to him for 3 months before he died. the pain and the guilt in her eyes, felt almost identical to what I feel pretty much every day.. 

every day I am filled with this emptiness...I don't even want to call it sadness because it's just black emptiness....that along with guilt and unresolved issues and all the "should of, would of ,could of"......

I know grief comes in waves...so I guess this is my next wave..... i just wanted to write it down somewhere

Lisa

just letting you know i'm thinking bout you. I know you mentioned the experience wasn't what you expected but i hope it was still a good experience.