DoreenHusted

Ceili, I agree with kayc. We only are in control of our own actions and not of any others. It's a difficult situation you're in. We all want answers to whatever question it is we have about our own self or our loved ones, but for me, that is where God comes into play. My faith and trust is in God and I have to believe that he and only he knows what's in store for us throughout our life. Be it good times, trying times, and those times we wish we could go back and change things. I allowed my own grief to make me into someone that I didn't care for. I ended up in the hospital with a perforated ulcer and I no longer had any zest for life. Medications were given to me to make my body feel better, but I had to find that same drive that I thought I always had with God to make my spirit strong. I know my children are watching over me from Heaven and if not for them and God, I would have been swallowed up by pity and grief. I take each day as it comes and for now, I don't look for a future other than tomorrow. I pray because I am thankful for having such a supportive and loving husband who has stood by me through thick and thin. I feel awful that I come off as though I'm strong and faithful, but I find myself often quite weak and vulnerable. It is at those times, I repent and I thank God for giving me today. Perhaps today I can make a positive difference in myself or even if I can make just one person smile, then that makes me a winner of sorts. I guess it comes down to the fact that even when we think we may have "it together", we may not, but if we continue to move forward in a positive direction, we can and will impact others in a good way. I am very thankful for this site. We all experience pain and grief, but through reading others stories, has given me strength through times I wasn't sure I had any. I pray that 2016 will bring positive changes to all of us who are seeking growth and renewal. May God bless you all.

Ceili, The holidays brings such a range of emotions. I find myself having good days and as well as bad. Loss of loved ones, be it a miscarriage, or otherwise, it's a life that is lost. It's said that "time is a great healer", but one never heals from such great losses. The pain may decrease some because we learn to live with our losses. I can't even imagine not only losing your children and the having to deal with the death of other loved ones. The pain of your husband walking out in your time of need baffles me beyond words. My husband has been my rock and I honestly am not sure where I would be if he had walked out. Anger still consumes me at times, but I now keep a journal. When I feel as though I may "snap", I take a step back, I acknowledge my feelings, write them down, and get on with my day. I also realized I needed professional counseling and have sought out a professional for help.

Having faith and trusting in God helps me so much. I've learned so much from my dogs as well. They sense how I am feeling, they are there when I do break down, but they also let me know when it's time to move forward.

I pray you have a holiday season where you're able to find joy, peace, and comfort. I'm thankful for this site, it allows those of us who suffer pain that no person knows unless they experience it themselves. My God be with you and you will be in my prayers.

kayc, I'm not sure if you are referring to my post or the original one that lightdancer wrote. I'm not sure where the confusion lies, but I have lost both my children now, and the words written by lightdancer have given me a glimmer of hope and renewal. Her words and understanding have given me a sense of balance when it comes to finding my own inner peace and to know within me that I am able to still talk to my children when they aren't here in the physical world with me.

I am thankful there is a sight such as this where I can speak and know there is no judgment, just understanding and it is truly heartwarming to feel that I am not alone. Grief is extremely painful in many ways, but my faith gives me hope and a sense of renewal.

My son died a few weeks ago and I was never truly over the loss of my other child who died 6 years ago. I find myself continuing to come back to your posts. This is my first time writing on this site, but please know that I love what you write and how you write. Your words I find inspiring and heartfelt.

For years I prayed that my son who died 6 years ago would come to me in a dream to let me know he was alright, but after reading your words, I realized he's been around me all this time. Not in my sleep, but here with me throughout each day, each minute. To be honest, the first 2-3 years after his death, I don't remember much because anger consumed me. That is what got me through each day. It's apparent that anger is a wasted emotion and that I'm not even sure what I was so angry about. Life just didn't seem fair.

My oldest son passed a few weeks ago and I felt as though I was living a nightmare outside my own body. Everyone around me was telling my how "strong" I am, and I wanted to scream that I am not strong, I don't want to be strong, I want to scream and cry. When I was alone, I would cry, I would pray, I would ask God for guidance. Somehow, some way, God heard me. I needed to connect to my spiritual side and not focus so much on my physical side.

When I read your articles, particular this one, it gave me a sense of peace. It's so true. Although my children aren't here physically with me, I can talk to them. I understand what you mean when you talk about going to a place where you find that connection with your child. I've learned much about grieving through my dogs as silly as that may sound. When my son first passed, my dogs felt my pain. They were always around me to comfort me. My dogs didn't eat much, they stayed by my side. After the 4th day or so, my dogs got back to normal as if they were letting me know it's time to move forward.

I take the time to just get in tune with how I am feeling if I feel the sadness and dread starting to creep in. I acknowledged my pain, and then prayed and meditated. A sense of calmness and understanding that I can't be with my children in the physical sense, I can talk to them, and as you've stated "in a different language".

I thank you for your words of wisdom and am sorry for the loss of your child. We belong to a club no parent wants to be a member of. Belief of knowing there is something bigger than ourselves out there and knowing that having faith gives me an inner peace that I can not describe in words. May God bless you.