LBennett

On 11/24/2015, 8:41:42, kayc said:

You don't say how old you are, but if you could talk to a school counselor or grief counselor, it might be of help to you.  I'm not qualified to analyze you as to whether or not that is a coping mechanism or not.

I hope you can get some therapy to help you figure things out and where you want to go from here.  I know how hard it is growing up in a dysfunctional family.  While I wouldn't throw my family out, I do want to say that I think it's important for you to do what is in your best interest...the tricky part sometimes if figuring out what that is.

Maybe you can tell your siblings just what you've said here, that it's important for you to spend time where you're accepted, not judged.  See what they say, maybe they'd be willing to try and back off a bit just to have some contact with you.  Maybe start out with short times with them and see how it goes.

Good luck to you!

Thank you for your reply

I am 47 years old and the youngest of 4.  I've had counseling before (for depression) but not this.  I think this may be something I have to pursue.

I've told them before that I feel judged and like I'm under a microscope, but they deny that.  Thanksgiving actually went very well so we will see how it progresses.  Thanks again!

I appreciate your sympathy.  I can cry - a little too easily most of the time and over the dumbest stuff (a sentimental TV commercial or something equally silly).

Thanks for your reply

My mom passed away in the early part of 2014 from Alzheimer's complications. I used to be very close to my family up until a few years ago. I've got older siblings, but I've separated myself from them and I'm not sure exactly why.
I hardly ever see any of them and haven't seen my dad in over 6 months. I can't think about my mom or see pictures of her without getting teary-eyed. I loved her, of course despite everything I went through. Sometimes, when I want to cry, I go over in my head all the mean and hateful things that were said and done. Is this a coping mechanism??
Part of me keeps playing over and over all the stupid (yet mentally & emotionally) damaging things through my childhood. I had controlling parents and did not get the chance to develop my own personality, likes/dislikes, etc. It's taken me a long time to figure out what those are. I still am not sure. 
My siblings don't seem to understand why I don't really keep in contact. After finding friends and seeing other families that are accepting and nonjudgmental, it's hard to want to stay in contact with my family who are just that way.
Anyone else go through this, too?