Allison

9 hours ago, Brad said:

Allison 

Welcome and know you are at the right place.  You wonder as I wonder.  It is so hard to see a future right now and it is so hard to look back.  I can sometimes but other times it is disastrous. I wonder if when I think of Deedo whether I will ever think of the pre-cancer Deedo first.  I hope you have found a good grief counselor.  They can be angels.  Again Welcome and please know how sorry I feel that you have a cause to be here.  I really do wish you and all of us had been allowed to love our dear ones in our own little corner of the world.

Hi Brad,

Thank you.

I have been seeing a grief counselor since April 1st and she has been amazing.  I am joining a Grief Share group next week as well.  My husband had a stomach ache.  Just a stomach ache.  Went into the hospital on the 15th, they told him it was gastric cancer on the 18th and he suffered a cardiac event on the 23rd.  The Dr, called it a "fluke"  but that I will someday see it as a blessing, as he did not have to suffer through cancer. 

Still sucks though. Still really really sucks.

19 hours ago, WolfsKat said:

Allison......I am so very sorry that you have had this happen.....I "get" all you posted, especially the part about WHY this happened, when all you wanted was to be allowed to love each other....I've said the same, almost verbatim! It is so very difficult to know we will survive.....but in a reality we hate, one without our beloved husband.  I'm still pretty "new".....but I can affirm that this is a good source of comfort, and help....it is literally one of the few things keeping me relatively sane, coming here and learning from many wonderful people also on this nightmare of a journey. Although I wish you had no reason to be here.....welcome.

Thank you!

19 hours ago, WolfsKat said:

Allison......I am so very sorry that you have had this happen.....I "get" all you posted, especially the part about WHY this happened, when all you wanted was to be allowed to love each other....I've said the same, almost verbatim! It is so very difficult to know we will survive.....but in a reality we hate, one without our beloved husband.  I'm still pretty "new".....but I can affirm that this is a good source of comfort, and help....it is literally one of the few things keeping me relatively sane, coming here and learning from many wonderful people also on this nightmare of a journey. Although I wish you had no reason to be here.....welcome.

19 hours ago, Marg M said:

"Wondering if I will ever un-see what I saw in the hospital."  Allison, it has been 11 weeks today for me.  For days after seeing him "gone," and I have trouble saying the real word, I would have to shake my head and say "no, no, no, no," over and over.  I could not un-see it.  But, seeing it harms me terribly, so now actually, I don't see it as much.  But, I cannot totally un-see it.  He left me.  I dozed off for just minutes and he left me, and my last emotion with him was anger because he was giving up.  They had told us months.  This was not months, this was days, only five weeks.  He could not leave, I was going to save him.  He could not give up.  I was going to have a miracle.  But, leave me he did, I was not holding him, and he loved to be held.  I cannot undo anything.  He is gone and it is still unreal.  So, actually, "un" describes everything.  Now I have an un-life.  But, he had said that the one left must stay.  I did not want to stay.  I had 54 years with him.  How could I be so selfish that I wanted more?  Well, I am that selfish.  I feel so much for you.  I have my widow friends.  That is the only good thing, and it certainly is not a good thing, but we were married so long that many of my friends had lost their husbands also.  Now, they help me walk down this lonely path.  The only un we cannot do is un-exist.  We have to keep on keeping on, turning the pages, reading another chapter to our pitiful un-life.  My friends tell me it gets easier.  My neighbor, who lost her husband four years ago, she had a bad day yesterday, but she held me up today.  And, I believe that is what this forum is for, to hold us up when we stagger down this path.  We are all struggling and we will struggle with you too.  In my ancient memory is the song of Buddy Holly.  "The sun is out, the sky is blue, there's not a cloud to spoil the view, but...............it's raining, raining in my heart."  We just have to reach for that sunshine.  It is hard.  We have to hope, one day it will be easier.

Marg,  thank you so much for your kind words. It is such a crazy, trippy ride.

I remember just sitting there saying "no" as well.  Just....no.

I think the fact that Jason and I  were so young just makes everything seem so backwards.  All of the "old timers" in the family make comments such as "she's young, she'll find another husband".  As I this happened and now we move on while I still have "time" to have a normal life.  Sigh. I withdraw from them because that is not what I want- or need- to hear.  You are not selfish.  And so what if you were? You were blessed with 54 years, obviously something was working.  Why wouldn't you want more?

But thank you again....for your response and support

This is my first post, very new to this online group thing.  Lost my amazing, beautiful, wonderful 41 yr old husband on February 23rd 2015. 

Wondering if I will ever wake up and not remember how many days it's been.

Wondering if I will ever make it through an entire day without crying. 

Wondering if the new me is someone that my old friends are still going to love. 

Wondering if I will ever un-see what I saw in the hospital. 

Wondering why this happened-to us- when all we asked for was to be allowed to love each other in our own little corner of this world. 

Wondering how I will survive.  I know I will, just unsure HOW.