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@Marie Lee I'm happy to say I finally have my court date next week. It will be so nice to have all the legal red tape out of the way, and to receive the financial help with the benefits. I'm also looking forward to moving to our own place!

How have you been?

Thank you all so much. I thought I'd update since it has been a while...

The roommate situation didn't work out because the room was WAY too small for the two of us. However, my current roommate is fine with me moving out (with proper notice) when I receive the benefits. If the timelines work, my widow friend said we could even find a bigger place. So it appears I have some decent options! I'm incredibly thankful my roommate has been so understanding.

As far as the family invitations, they have been much better about inviting us. My brother in law has even opened up to me about D's death, which he previously wouldn't do. I'm hoping I can encourage him to come to one of the SOSL meetings with me, because I think he'd really benefit from it.

Beautiful picture, Marie. Thank you for sharing that.

I was wondering the same. I always know when the 13th is approaching because my mood changes. It's like I instinctively know. I think it's also tough right now with the upcoming holidays. I can be around family and friends, yet still feel so alone.

That was very sweet. Thank you for making me smile today.

I'm sending you hugs today. It's perfectly okay to experience ups and downs following your loss. Sometimes you just have to ride the waves and everything in between.

Counseling does take a while to get sorted, but I do hope you’re able to find a counselor who is a good fit for you. Have you found any bereavement groups in your area? They’re usually free, and they are very helpful when you’re struggling. I’ve actually made some very good friends through a few of my groups. I’m very thankful for that.

Thank you @Marie Lee

@WolfsKatI will be the first to admit I am terrible about asking for help. I'm so used to doing things myself and being my sole provider that sometimes I tough it out at my own expense. I'm going to be visiting family this week, and I'm going to talk to them about what to do. Most of my friends have been helpful, but I also have a few who don't like to talk about his death and like to pretend everything is okay. I am indeed battling postpartum depression. Some days are better than others.

My in-laws are 3+ hours away, so I can't just drop her off with them on a whim. They're also having maritial issues because of his death, which makes interactions tense. Fortunately, they are going to take her one weekend this month, which will help a lot. Maybe she will bring them together again? I just wish they were closer. 

@Widowedbysuicide You sound a lot like me. I'm hoping I can go get a massage and spend time with friends while my in-laws take the baby for the weekend. I haven't told them how I'm feeling because of their existing maritial issues and their reluctance to talk about his death. I'm afraid admitting my thoughts will make things worse for them, so I think I will tell my family first.

I also talked to a widow friend who may need a roommate in a month. I'm hoping she picks us until I get back on my feet financially. 

Hi Laurie,

My situation is a little different, but maybe we can relate. I wasn't married yet, but I lost my boyfriend to suicide earlier this year. It was completely unexpected, as we had major plans coming up, including the birth of our daughter.

I currently attend SOSL support groups, and have met some wonderful individuals who understand the complicated Web of grief. Have you attended a bereavement group in your area?

Other than that, I navigate each day as they come. I participate in suicide awareness walks, I actively discuss veteran suicide (my BF was the third suicide for me in a year) and try to help others. I'm not at the point where I am ready to date, but I do understand your lonliness.

You're welcome to message me or email me anytime. It really helps to talk about it, and to meet others who are going through the same at such a young age.

I wish you the best in your healing journey.

This has been a very interesting thread.

Before D's passing, he had been researching NDEs. This is one of the reasons why I've been thinking it could have been him experimenting, but it went too far.

I'm going to go back through this thread and read some of the links. Thanks everyone for sharing.

Marie,

I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m sending you hugs today.

Maybe give your grandson an extra big hug. It will feel good to both of you.

Thank you @rdownes

@kayc A roommate might not be a bad idea, though it would have to be someone I know very well. I am not comfortable living with a stranger or acquaintance, since I have an infant. I have a very good job in my city, and the city my in-laws reside in doesn't have the type of industry. I think the closest is 50-75 miles away? It would be incredibly difficult giving up my awesome career here.

I am going to be seeing them this weekend, so I will do my best to be transparent about my feelings. I can't keep pretending things are okay when they're not.

The same people involved with the wedding photo snafu had a celebration this weekend. Neither me nor my daughter were invited. It hurt because once again, we were excluded when I've done nothing but be kind. I'd really like my daughter to be familiar with her dad's side of the family, especially because I never had that opportunity when I was a child. I've even had friends say they were surprised the in-laws rarely post pictures of the baby, but in my FILs opinion, the baby was my boyfriend's tipping point. (I disagree!)  Yes, she was unplanned and we were not married yet, but I loved that man, and he seemed to be okay with it.

I'm definitely interested in a counselor for advice on this topic. I need to make some serious decisions.

Thank you for that information @Patty65! I'm going to look into those resources until I receive the court order.

I appreciate that, @Widowedbysuicide. I took the first step by deleting social media. I had no clue such a heavy weight would be lifted from my shoulders when I deleted it.

Marg - We all work, so maybe that's the challenge? It was a little easier when I was on leave. But now, plans are made a day or two prior, which makes it challenging for me. There are maybe 1 or 2 other family members I hear from on his side, otherwise it's silence.

I wrote this in another post, but there was a major family event a few months ago, and my daughter was not included in the family photos.  I almost said something, but I didn't want to stir the pot. I guess it will be their loss when they look back and realize she's not in them. The photos of my daughter with them are almost always ones I have taken. 

Maybe they're all still grieving and I need to give it time? I don't know. It's hard doing this without a lot of family.

How neat you helped raise your granddaughter. I'm sure you two have lots of fond memories to look back on. Grandma's are very special. I sure miss mine.

It's been a while since I've posted, but I need some neutral advice.

It's now 5 months from my BF's suicide, and I'm still feeling like my future is so uncertain. I am still waiting on some legal matters to be completed so I can apply for SS and military benefits for my daughter. I just returned to work from maternity leave, so my bank account is slowly climbing again, but the expenses are still coming. 

My lease is up in November, but I don't know what I'm going to do without the benefits. I can't apply for places in case I can't afford them or be able to commit. I'm guessing I may have to put my items in storage and stay with someone?

My inlaws live over 3 hours away, and I don't talk to my parents. I keep feeling overwhelmed about the baby, and whether I am going to be able to handle being a parent. She's a good baby, but I just feel so stuck, and it's even more difficult with family so far away. I have lots of friends, but I don't want them to feel obligated or like I'm pawning the baby off on them, so I'm usually hesitant to ask for help.

I feel like I'm the last to know about family events and happenings lately. They had bought tickets for an event, but the type they bought were unavailable when they eventually asked me to go. I was also especially hurt because my daughter was not in the family photos at a major event. Maybe I'm overreacting here, but things like that irk me. She's the last piece of him left.

I really wish I could have a week to grieve and just be by myself. No phone, no baby, and no responsibility.

I come home from work, and don't feel like dealing with the baby. I've considered giving her to his family if I am still feeling this way several months from now. I'm not sure if I can handle this whole parenting and grieving thing, but I do feel like I would miss her to a certain extent if I did choose that option. I also fear some of my family members wouldn't speak to me if I went that route.

I just don't know what to do. Any constructive advice is welcome. Thanks for hearing me out. I needed a safe place to vent tonight.

I am sorry you're being treated this way. It looks like a lot of other people on here are too. I hope you're able to turn to family and friends for support.

I was actually thinking about this same topic tonight. My inlaws live 3+ hours away, and it especially hard because I have a 5-month old daughter. They have been nice and helpful, but when it comes to getting together, I feel like I'm last to know; if I'm even invited at all. Its difficult already, but I really need their encouragement. It is so challenging grieving, working full-time, and trying to be a parent.

2 hours ago, Forever His x said:

Hello , 

thankyou for replying to me , it really helps hearing from people in the same situation and having the little ones . im also very sorry for your loss and what you have had to go through . as i just replied a few seconds ago i havent looked into a grief support group i think its something i might try as others have said its good . How old is your daughter now ? how is she , im worried for my sons future with what has happened, its all so wrong i dont know how to stay strong and i dont know how to carry on when i dont want to but have to for him . his so beautiful and such a lovely little boy makes it harder . How do you cope  ? 

Id love to keep in contact, 

The grief support group should really help you. I'm so thankful for mine. The meeting coordinators and guests there are very helpful, and it's nice to know you're not alone.

My daughter is now 4 months old. I battle everyday with postpartum depression and have felt like maybe I should let a family member adopt her. I never wanted kids, and I am so scared to raise her alone. Have you felt that way at all?

I've been keeping busy with friends until I go back to work. I think I need structure and friends to keep me busy. That's all I can do at this point.

I just wanted to let you know I can relate to you. I lost my soul mate during my pregnancy, and I'm now raising our daughter alone. Yes, the milestones hurt. I hope you're able to keep memories of your husband alive for your son.

Have you looked into a grief support group? In all honesty, I feel they have done much more than a counselor. Plus, they're free. Seems a lot of counselors dont know what to say.

Exercise and keeping busy helps too.

If you ever need to chat, feel free to message me.

I'm 30.

After feeling like I've been bounced around, I finally got prioritized for a psychiatry appointment this week.

My thoughts regarding the baby haven't changed, so I am definitely going to bring that up in the session. I've been staying with family to avoid feeling lonely, and to alleviate some of the baby stress.

I am so sorry for your losses in such a short time span. I can't even imagine.

This site and its members have been helpful. I hope you continue posting and expressing your emotions. It will help you cope with the grief.

Definitely see a grief counselor, and look into suicide survivor support groups. I've found that communicating with people who have also experienced a loss to suicide can relate better than those who faced anticipatory deaths. You may discover the same as I have.

Also, don't be afraid to tell your teachers what you are going through. They will help you and can possibly give you extensions on assignments. My professors were very understanding.

Thank you all for caring. I'm being treated by my primary doctor and OBGYN for postpartum. They know the entire situation and prescribed me Paxil. Unfortunately, it was giving me bad side effects, so the doctor told me to wait until I see the psychiatrist for different medication. I've since been told to call the office daily to see if they have cancellations, since I'm currently off work. I may do some additional research to see if any other offices take my insurance because waiting a month is absurd. I want to feel better so I can make decisions about the baby and life.

The doctor also provided me with information about a PPD support group, though I'm not sure if it is facilitated by doctors or peers.

I didn't mean to alarm anyone with that comment. I don't feel like harming myself or the baby, I meant I want to just move away and leave this grief behind. If it wasn't for the baby and my friends, I would easily uproot to a new city.

Thank you all for sharing your stories. It helps to know I'm not alone in all of this, especially because unexpected deaths are so different than anticipatory deaths. I can't imagine the horror of finding a loved one. That just adds another layer to the grieving process.

I don't know what he was thinking, as we had a lot of major upcoming events that would have brought him so much joy.

Thank you for sharing your story about Mr. Cello. Music is a great healer, and your painting is gorgeous! 

I appreciate the resources you provided, and I plan to attend some support groups in my area. I want to better understand coping mechanisms and hear stories from survivors. I've also put myself on a waiting list for the psychiatrist because they were going to make me wait a month before being seen. I'm hoping I will receive a call in the coming days.

It's hard to properly grieve when my hormones are raging, and I have our newborn daughter. I just question if the news gave him something to live for, and he freaked out when I was emotional; or if it was something else? 

I'm going to give myself plenty of time before making any life-changing decisions regarding our daughter. I know my mind is unsound right now, so I'm coping as best as possible. The baby is well-behaved and beautiful, but doing this alone is going to be incredibly tough. I work full-time and have only a few classes left before I complete my degree. Yes, I have family and friends, but they can only do so much. I just feel I would be able to cope better if I didn't have the baby and could simply push forward with work, school, and life in general.

I just want to escape this harsh reality.

After a few weeks of uncertainty, D's death was ruled a suicide. I still have my doubts about the ruling, but it is what it is.

I have my days where I am feeling okay, and others where I feel completely lost and broken. I keep replaying our final conversation and thinking maybe he thought I was rejecting him or something? I was just scared, and still am.

I was also diagnosed with postpartum depression (go figure!) And keep having thoughts that I don't want the baby and can't handle her. I think a portion of it is that I feel guilty that I told my boyfriend I wasn't sure I was ready to be a parent, and am worried this triggered the suicide because maybe he felt I was rejecting him?

Now, I'm having to raise her as a single parent, and I can't help but think she would benefit from two parents or even my in-laws. The other side of me wants to honor his legacy by raising her. I never thought I would be doing this alone.

Does anyone have recommendations for suicide support groups or grief support groups? I saw a counselor, but I felt like she merely listened to my story, instead of providing constructive coping mechanisms or referrals.

I'm sorry for your loss. I'm glad you were able to find a grief counselor to get you through this. 

They ended up ruling it a suicide. We are all still stunned, and for me, the reasonable doubt is that the gas had been turned off. I wonder if he realized his mistake.

I miss him terribly. He had so much to look forward to. 

I was wondering the same thing. We are hoping the ME will hear our case and change it to accidental. I guess they just want to rush through each case.

Has anyone gone through the uncertainty of cause of death?

We are currently awaiting toxicology and a final determination, but the coroner initially said suicide. The part that doesn't make sense is that the nozzle on the gas tank had been turned off by him, which was really odd.

I'm just having a hard time with this, as he was solidifying future plans that week, and we found nothing abnormal in his search history.  

My mind keeps churning between anger and sadness, since I don't know if this was suicide or accidental. I'm at the point of seeking grief counseling and even looking into a medium so I can get some type of answers or closure. This is just so hard.

Thank you so much for those resources. I will research them today. 

We have discovered a little more information about the case, including how happy he was and was planning his future with the military.

There was nothing abnormal in his search history, and apparently the tank he had used had been switched off, which would tell me this wasn't suicide. We think he was just experimenting and it went terribly wrong.