kerry88

1 hour ago, Gettingthrough79 said:

Falling apart too.

I am so sorry to hear this

Thank you everyone. You all have made me feel much better. It was a great decision to join this site as I finally feel not alone.

Thank each and every one of you. I appreciate all your comments. This week I have been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia and the professor thinks this was caused by an emotional trigger which would be the most likely traumatic event of watching my granddad die suddenly. I do put a lot of blame on myself e.g. for the days I went to work and only visited in hospital for an hour now I kick myself as too why I didn't take the days off and like I mentioned before I blamed myself for not taking him home when he plead and begged me in his last hours as I still denied that that was the end and the hospital could save him. I also am sad that he had this condition which he dismissed to be an additional illness to his COPD but nothing sinister when if I had just researched it I would of seen pulmonary fibrosis was a death sentence of 5 years or less (He was diagnosed in 2013). I would of known then how precious time is (as like many of you I did at time take time is granted and I don't anymore) I wish I had known I would of made his last years more comfortable I am all full of what Ifs and always have been since June. I know that doesn't help I feel like I have not accepted the death yet,  I had not had a significant loss in my life before him. This kind of intense overwhelming gutting grief is all new to me thank you so much for your kind words

Hello, Im kerry and I am new to this site. I seeked out this site as from tomorrow marks 13 weeks since my granddad passed away and I am feeling like the odd one out in my family as I am having such a hard time. I go to his grave almost everyday to feel close to him and I sit and cry. He passed from pulmonary fibrosis (we had no idea of the reduced lifespan with this we weren't informed).He had a terrible time suffering in the last 48 hours of his death and I was there by his side at the hospital witnessing him crying and pleading with the family to take him home. I have many regrets as to why I didn't take him home (I thought hospital was the best place) and everytime he tried to get up and go I put his legs back into the bed I was still clinging on to hope that he could recover in hospital and they could make him comfortable and now I think I should of insisted he die at home as that's what he wanted I find this hard to accept. I think if he had died in his sleep I would of had more comfort he didn't suffer like I saw he did. I have struggled and got ill the last few months and I do accept he is not coming back but I really cannot accept the sweetest man I know had to suffer to the end so horribly that he would cry and begged to die. I cannot stop crying when I think about them horrible last hours and I am just very low.