Dreamwinds

Today I was called to the funeral home to pick up my husband's ashes. Just writing that seems crazy. I cried driving there and driving home, but did feel a little peace after the beer on the deck with him. It was just simply an overwhelming, emotionally draining day.

I dread the day that the vehicle doesn't start, or the computer doesn't boot, or so many other things that he took care of.  I've already been faced with some of these issues at work. Things that I should know, but don't. Things such as payroll tax or sales tax liabilities. He was my superman. Someone mentioned "grief waves." These are so totally unexpected and can bring you to your knees. My responsibilities and obligations keep me going. The truth is that I don't want to. A few months ago we attended a friend's wake. My husband told her husband to just keep putting one foot in front of the other. I keep reminding myself of his words.

Thank you all for your kind words. So many folks have said "take it one day at a time" but for me, it is often one hour or one moment at a time. For thirty years, we lived together and built a successful business together. To go from seeing someone literally 24/7 to never again is devastating.  I want to feel joy again, laugh again, even smile again. But what I want most is to see him again, discuss the articles in the newspaper with him again, drink coffee with him again. I want to tell him how much I admire him and appreciate him. I never once thought about him not being in my life. I never thought about one of us dying. We were supposed to grow older and grayer together. I miss him immeasurably.

It has been twelve days since my husband of thirty years died unexpectedly in his sleep. I am totally lost, feeling as though I am on autopilot. I feel totally alone and isolated. This sadness is simply overwhelming.