So Alone

I feel what you are saying.  I too use to have joy in the holidays.  This year nothing.    I just can't.   Don't know if I will ever again.  But  we take 1 step at a time. That all I can do.    Wishing you a merry Christmas 

Thank you everyone for your kinds words and thoughts.   This is a terrible pain we deal with- a lost of our heart and soul is gone when our love one passes.  Life is never the same 

Seeing the orbit just makes it more real.      I still call his cell home just so I can hear a recording and sometimes I leave a message for him.  I know it makes no sense but I have to

I called my oldest daughter and just stated crying.    It was like he didn't exist.  And I am left wounded.   I have nothing left of him nothing    I realized legally I don't have right to anything but everything was gone   -14 years!!!  My daughter asked for his brother in law cell number and called him several times leaving messages   By now it was Monday nite and I only have 1 day left there   I was finally able to talk to him Tuesday morning and he said he had a few pictures they found he would give me   We met in parking lot   Spoke for almost 1 hour  -again me crying mostly   I spoke of thing he had told me of his family  and how much he met to me   I asked how  any people came to cementary  he said about a dozen   Only family came   He said he had no friends.      He did send me the 2 chairs back to me in Illinois which I am thankful   They are still in the boxes    I have not spoken with fiancé  sister  I have asked via text if they would like some pictures of him over the years since they didn't have any but no response   I called to thank him for the chairs and asked if there is an email for me to send somethings via email     He asked i text him my email and he will respond    Still waiting   Sorry to keep rambling on but I can't help it right now      nothing makes sense   I am numb and in disbelief  and beyond  shattered   Thank you for listening to me

 I went out there on sept 3rd in the afternoon  first thing I did was take an uber to his house.    They think it may have be some type of mode or something and everything in house was emptied out.   I came to an  empty house.  Nothing was left. Except the 2green chairs I sent him in the back yard.  They were for us to set and enjoy outside. It was like all of a sudden he never existed nor did I or us.   All I could think of was. WHY.    How could he leave me and leave us.   So I went around town for the time I was there going to sleep me of the places we went together. Mostly crying through the day. This shouldn't be.     

I asked if someone could take some pictures since I could not go.  I explained that we were very close and planned for us to,be together. We had known each other and "been together " almost 14 years.   

I get a text on Wednesday aug 30th they released his body and furneral was for that Friday sept 1      I was hurt because I could not be there and I said  I had planned on coming in on Sunday.     I don't have that type  of money to fly out in 2 days notice    

I knew something was wrong on aug 15 in the morning.  He lived in California. And I live in Illinois     We last spoke in the morning of aug 14th.    On the 15th I called area hospitals cuz I knew something was wrong.  His sister and family live not to far from him but I didn't have contact info to call them.   I googled her work and left messages tues and Wednesday for her to call me. I said it had to do with her brother and left my name and number.   After couple of days someone from her office called. And said she didn't know who I was?   I was stung and confused    Friday her husband called me from in front of my fiancé house. There was a box of food I ordered for him still in front of the door.   I explained everything and he called the police  he waited about 4 or 5 hours for the police to come that nite.  Once inside the house they found him in his bed dead.    The husband text me  not called.  He said the police found him and that he passed away peacefully in his sleep     WHAT.  I was beyond words    That was it. No phone call no response from his sister.   I had texted him to say I had bought a plane ticket to visit my fiancée  over the Labor Day weekend coming in sun and leaving Wednesday.  I did that cuz I was worried and want to see if he was depressed or something.   He had been very down cuz of property taxes and money.  I wished I was able to help him m but was not able to.    I  couldn't get a hold of anyone so you figure I go and see how he was doialso no as a surprise.   His brother in law said they had to do  automspy by law I ask to be kept informed.   I' told him we spoke ever single day.  I knew he changed his sleeping pill lately and went to dr on aug 2 due to back pan.  Dr said ihe was ok.       

Since he passed I had been googling him name and town to see if it is real.  I know if makes no sense but I guess it is a way of being in denial and dealing with everything. His obituary came up yesterday.   That was rough and hard to see.  It hurts my heart to see it,

Thank you so very much everyone for your responses and words.  They mean so much to me. Each and everyone I have read over and over.  I feel my life has shattered and our future is gone.  Hence what's the point of anything really but I put one foot in front of the other. We had spent years preparing for the move.  We both wanted family dinners and holiday memories together   Just a regular life with each other  So I have a lot of things I saved over the years for our time our future.  he was everything to me.  He  was the light at the end of the tunnel. His love and words of encouragement help me through so many times.  Knowing that we were meant to be together and I would be with him got me through so many scary times.  If anything happened I knew I could go to him.   Now I can't grasp Anything and am so scared

It has been 50 days since my fiancé  passed away.  I feel my life shattered and our future gone.   Excuse my rambling but my thoughts are all over the place.    We were each other's best friend.   Now I am alone. I cry mostly alone in private.  And every day.  Throughout the day.  He was only 51.  We have know each other almost 14 years.    It was a long distance relationship and we had been planning for years for me to move by him.  But financially was not able to.  But we have talked about every day.  We spoke of marriage for years.    I have 2 kids living with me. Plus pets.  I have visited over the years so,we had spent time together and memories.     He was very private person but I,was,lucky to get to know him.           I know he loved me so much and I loved him too.  We spoke 2 to 3 times everyday for over 13 years.   Then aug 14    Monday we spoke in the morning before I went to work.  He was stressed about money and bills.   I,tried to reassure him that it will be ok.   We said our usual "love you miss you appreciate you and look forward to being there."  That was the last time we spoke        I called at our time that night. But he didn't answer.   I thought maybe the phone had problems. Or he didn't pay the bill.    Even though that was something he always made sure it was paid. Cuz that was our connection to talk   I called in the morning at our usual time but still no,answer.   By now I am panicking a bit.   After work I called area hospitals.  Ok I can't write anymore right now. Too much.  Too much pain. I miss him too much.    I have no one to,talk too so,I just cry