JoeA

Kim -

Please keep coming back. This is the best community I have found, and I have tried as many as I have access to. There is much love and wisdom here. It is a safe, caring place. I believe angels walk among us, and I offer as proof the folks right here in this group.

When you first posted I was too early in my own loss to respond. I'm glad you came back. The fact that you survived the tragic death of your husband and are back here talking with us shows your inner strength. I know you probably don't feel strong. People tell me how well I'm doing & I don't feel I'm doing well t all.

I would also cite these people as proof of a basic tenet of buddhism, that from suffering arises compassion.

Peace,

- Joe

leeann -

What a beautiful thought, and well said. Thank you for sharing that. Nothing "weird" about it.

Peace,

- Joe

Thank you Mary Linda. That's beautiful, and a lot to ponder.

- Joe

PS - My wife's name is Kathy.

Thank you all once again for the support. I love all of you so much. This is an amazing community!

I chose to spend the day working in the yard. I live on a little over an acre, and it's a beautiful place, thanks to Kathy. So, a beautiful day, sunny, high in 70's, working with nature. It was therapeutic. The day ended with my Hospice-sponsored grief support group, which is always uplifting. I will always treasure this community, the first place I found help, and hope to someday be less needy, and more helpful to others.

Peace and Love to all,

- Joe

I've been dreading this day for two reasons. It's my wife's birthday - the first since she died. And it's the first day of fall. It was beautiful early spring here when Kathy died, and I've had spring and summer so far - seasons of LIFE. Now the leaves will all turn brown and the trees will become bare, and the bleakness of winter will set in. I'm depressed just thinking about it.

Thanks once again for listening.

Peace,

- Joe

Thanks again everyone. I'm overwhelmed by your support. It got me through the shock of those notes - I'm OK now. Tomorrow I think I'll just work in the yard - there's plenty to do. Tomorrow evening I have a Hospice-sponsored support group meeting. This will be my fourth meeting with this group, so we've gotten to know each other pretty well, and they are also very supportive and understanding.

Peace to all,

- Joe

leeann -

Thank you. Those are wise words, and yes, I do know what you mean. A Hospice bereavement couselor told me that I should walk into the pain, not away from it, and I accept that. Plus, I have found as you say, that avoiding the pain can mean avoiding an opportunity for growth or maybe tranformation is a better word.

Anyway, thank you for caring.

Peace to you,

- Joe

Thank you Gail. It seems this is a common experience among us. There is a kind of comfort in this sharing of stories.

Blessings,

- Joe

Wow. It means a lot to get this kind of support from people who are on the same journey, in this strange land of grief. Thank you thank you thank you.

Sherry, Deborah, Wendy and Cheryl Lee, you are angels. I know that you are all still in your own worlds of hurt, but you took the time to comfort me. And Wendy, you and Fred have just shared such great news and here I am with my sorrowful note, yet you come back with such a caring response. Please know that I am happy for you.

I really do feel better, just knowing that there are people out there who understand, who care, and who will listen.

- Joe

Well, I was going to post about milestones. Tuesday was 2 months since my Dad died - I was there in the Hospice house. Wednesday was 6 months since my wife died - I was there in the ICU "room". Today was the seventh anniversary of my youngest brother's death - no one was there, it took search team 2 days to find his body in the Sierras. Monday is my wife's birthday.

But what really tore me up, I was looking for a note pad for a friend to use. Removed some pages out of an old one so he could use it, and found notes my wife wrote the last 3 days of her life. Notes about what was happening to her physically. This breaks my heart. It's just bringing it all back.

I know there are no answers. Thanks for listening.

- Joe

KayC –

So I guess your friend would have avoided the Lord, or worse, chastised Him for being a downer:

Jesus wept. (John 11:33-35.)

When He saw Mary and Martha in anguish over the death of their brother Lazarus, He wept. He allowed Himself to feel – and express – the depths of human sorrow.

As Christians we are called to comfort others. It could not be clearer:

“Blessed be the God ... of all comfort, who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble” (2 Corinthians 1:3-4).

Unfortunately, your experience is not uncommon. Many of us have been disappointed by the response of our church community. Being a member of a church and being a true follower of Christ are two different things. But the good news is that there is a God who loves you, and wants to comfort you.

OK, end of sermon. Sorry if I offended anyone.

Peace,

- Joe

Mary Linda -

Yes, I sometimes feel resentment like that. I did not watch that show, I don't watch shows like that anymore because I always have negative feelings. Your grief support group is right, it is normal & OK. The really good thing is that you are aware of your feelings and are honest about it. That's healthy! You cannot control those feelings. You can, however, control how you react to the feelings. You don't have to feel guilty, or self-critical. Try to recognize the feelings for what they are - symptoms of your grief, and allow yourself to feel that way. It will pass. From your postings here I know you are a very caring person. That's who you are. Don't let these feelings - just symptoms of your grief - define you.

You are a good person. Allow yourself to grieve without guilt.

Peace,

- Joe

I do have one question for anyone, I finally bought thank you cards to send, but I am having a hard time making myself go back and read the cards so I can reply, is this normal? I don't want people to think I don't appreciate what they did, but in some strange way I feel like if I reply that means its really real,I know I read the cards, but it was such a blur,any advice on this is good, because I am crying just thinking about it,I justcan't let go,

Cheryl -

I never could get that done. I finally gave up on thank-you's to all the card- and flower-senders, and just wrote a few to people who were very supportive during those first awful weeks. I didn't even get those thank-you's out for a couple months. People will understand. And if they don't, well that's not your problem. You need support right now, not more grief!

Peace to you,

- Joe

Thank you John for another beautiful poem. As Mike says, it goes to the heart of the hurt. All that will never be.

Mike, those are the most painful words of all, anytime I see them, "Grow old with me". That was always our hope. We so looked forward to it. Growing old alone seems so empty.

- Joe

Lynda -

That's a terrible load of grief for anyone to bear. Please keep coming back here - you will find help here. Also, you have an opportunity to help your daughter with her grief. My sister-in-law taught me that divorce is a loss much like death. Helping someone else deal with their pain can be powerful medicine. That's part of what makes this group work.

Peace,

- Joe

Wow Kathy, that's good! You express the pain and the fear that we all feel at times on this journey, but also the determination and hope that will sustain you. Thanks for sharing this.

- Joe

Jackie -

We're glad you found your way back here. Don't wander away again please! This is a sanctuary. Like you, I've been alone for 5 months now, and also like you, I lost my wife to cancer after a long struggle. It's still very very hard. But I've gotten a lot of help right here, and so will you.

Peace,

- Joe

Thanks Marty.

Nick's song is beautiful. I wish I'd written it for my Kathy. I guess it speaks for all of us in some way. I'll take your recommendation, since you've never steared me wrong, and buy their book. And several boxes of tissues!

Namaste,

- Joe

Mike -

I just had a dsicussion with my counselor about this. What I have had to do is two things. First, let go of all expectations I had about support from friends and family. Let go of the disappointment too. Just let it go. Second, watch and listen carefully to others and open myself up to unexpected sources of support. It will happen. It has for me. I have met people just recently with whom I had no connection, and they have been amazing sources of support. Have hope,

Peace

- Joe

Teny -

I'm glad you are back OK and that you came back to us here. It sounds like you have some good memories to hold in your heart now. I think it's OK to tell Yiany that you love him. Where Yiany is now, he knows that you will be together again, and he will be happy to hear you say you love him. But if you can't it's OK too, because he knows you love him, and he understands. Remember those of us left to grieve, we are all in this together, and one day our grief will end and then no one and nothing will ever take away our joy again.

Your friend,

- Joe

Dusky -

Thank you once again my friend. These are beautiful. We are blessed to have you in our community.

- Joe

Teny -

We are far away but we are close to you in our hearts. And Yiany is there in your heart always. It will be good to go to the island with your brother. If you are lonely when you return please come back to us here.

Marty -

What a beautiful poem. Thanks for that.

- Joe

Wow. Thanks everyone. This article really hit a nerve - no pun intended. Unfortunately the Washington Post edited some of the feedback - I don't see Dusky's response in the archive at all. I plan to follow up with a letter to the editor.

Peace to all,

- Joe

Thanks everyone. I'm glad to know it's not just me. I posted my question and got the BS response I expected. Then they cut me off - I complained about the idiocy of the whole idea - guess I probably got a little out of line ;-) "The editor reserves the right to select the questions most appropriate for the guest", blah blah blah ...

Doesn't it just make you crazy that these people are the "experts"! They don't know from grief!!!

(OK, as Vickie said ealier, rant over)

Peace and Love,

- Joe

Jeanne -

You will be glad you got John's book. It is moving and inspiring, and contains real wisdom. It was one of the first books I read after Kathy died and I'm still re-reading and learning from it.

- Joe

Vickie -

Your "rant" is a very valid one. But I've seen to many very bad things happen to too many very good people to believe in karma. And if God allowed Jesus to be tortured to death, how can I believe that God will protect me from harm? I'm with you, I have questions for God if I ever get the chance to ask.

But on the human side, I've been an organ donor for at least 30 years, my kids are both donors. My wife was but they wouldn't take anything since she died of metastatic cancer. It is sad that so many die unnecessarily for the simple stupid reason that people won't donate their organs at death. What a tragedy. God has questions for us!

- Joe