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Today is the one month mark since my dad has passed away and I feel like this has been the fastest yet the slowest month, if that makes sense. Im still feeling lost. Im pressed for time with school, which really helps but I remember that he wont be here for my 21st birthday on the 18th and that when I go home, I cant go to his house. Well, I can but he's not there. His ashes are there but its not him. I sometimes forget to talk to him daily and I feel guilty. People say that its possible and its a good idea to keep a relationship with them going but when I think about the fact that the only way I can talk to him is through my mind and I hate it. I miss him. I want him here and I still feel like I lost a body part. Ive come to realize its so much better that he's gone but I want my dad. I miss him so much and I feel bad. I keep wondering if he knew he was dying because one day he was fine and the next he was gone. I talk to him when I get upset and tell him to come with me places. I go to college in Albuquerque NM and the Balloon Fiesta is here this week and its beautiful. He loved hot air balloons and it hurt to realize he will never be able to see it again. At least on Earth. I can feel his love when Im desperate and hurting but I wish I could hear him talk back. His pillow and shirt that I have are starting to fade in scent and it upsets me. Do you guys talk to them? Does it help? I feel him in my heart but I want more lol. I tried to imagine the balloons taking off as me letting him go and be free but its still hard. Here are some of the balloons: