Thank you again Marty. It's true, it certainly wasn't easy at times. I used to also say it's so hard to be the nurturer, teacher, and disciplinarian all at the same time. Unfortunately the balance of everything gets thrown out of sync through divorce, especially with a non-supportive ex. Though I had to let go of most of that pain and anger to keep myself sane (for the most part) I still have some resentment for the many times he could have made it just a little easier...even now.
Shawn, my son, was also my rock. He was rarely unhappy, always upbeat, smiling, and helping everyone around him. Ours was the hang out house where the kids were almost every day (a couple still stop by often) until he decided to move out to his first place. I thought THAT was such a huge loss at that time but I was happy he was growing up so well and responsibly. He was the one I didn't worry about!
My youngest was, and is, a different story. He's 22 and he isolates. He's had quite a few struggles these past few years but he refuses to speak about them. When I try, he gets upset, when I offer to find him help, he gets upset. He allowed me help with the details of some of these struggles but again when I tried to speak about them the typical response was "I'm not Shawn, I don't like to talk about things!". I love him so much but I can't seem to reach him. He had been in the military for some time prior to being injured and coming home. Through our letters I thought he had started to open up to me. His letters were so kind, loving, and thoughtful. I thought finally we had crossed that line and he could trust me enough to tell me his feelings. But when he came back, he shut right down again and now this. I'm petrified of what this is doing to him but he won't talk to me about it and I'm at such a loss. People tell me let him be and when he's ready to talk he will but I know how far he can shut down and don't know I have the strength to watch him fall...I'm at such a loss.
I try very hard not to think of unfinished business. Though Shawn and I fought, at times, we would usually both go off feeling justified for a while and one would always come around. I have no doubt it would have happened this time as well. I know I raised a good man. There were well over a thousand people, who came through to pay their respects, who told me so just in case my constant doubt of myself told me I could have done better. This too would have passed, in my heart I know. The last time I saw him he gave me a hug, said Mom I love you don't worry we'll work it out. That's the part I have to hold on to.
Most of all I really miss him and just don't know where life goes from here.