Kathryn1

Thankyou MartyT. it is really good and does hit home. I am going to keep it.

Thankyou, this helped me Gwenivere, we think alike. I will use this thought to comfort me in times ahead.

Wow kayc for you to get to this place, just wow. Reading this made me cry. You are such an amazing person to have these viewpoints. Reading this, it is so beautiful. I guess I'm selfish in that I want Paul to know me as I continue in this life, and want him to be aware of everything that happens to me. My biggest fear is that I'll change somehow and we won't know each other when I pass. It terrifies me and makes me shake. And I can't imagine never meeting him again. Do you believe in the afterlife? It's all I can hold onto just now, that someday we'll be together again.

Its a great portrait. I agree with your post completely. How simple that breakup pain seems now. I feel the same. Devastating that a man who would have done anything to protect me from any pain or discomfort left me with this void of despair. And devastating for him too. Paul had little time, but he was devastated to do this to me, it was awful. He said my crying made his pain worse, but then told me to cry cause he knew i needed to. I suspec this pain will be the hardest we'll ever endure, and i wouldnt wish it on anyone. I never thought of what itd be like. But it is hell.

I understand this. Our house is full of Pauls things, and 1000s of pieces of photography gear. Right now, i cant bear anything, so am leaving it all, even his toothbrush. Nothing of his is gone, i dont know how you get the strength to sort through things? and like someone said, itd be easier if they ran off with someone. Having gone through a really bad breakup years ago,i can say it would be so much easier. Because in that, you know they didnt want you anyhow. And you fight it, but then reality sinks in, and you know you're better off, and there's renewed hope for someone better. But this, this is all different, cause you had that someone better, and they're gone. Totally gone, and you have no choice, and neither did they. And its so awful, cause its not what either of you wanted.

Thankyou. its so hard to think of what im going through as being normal. As i feel totally and utterly crazed right now. And nothing makes sense. And today when i was out with my friend i realised it'll be 2 weeks on Monday and i have no recollection of that time. 14 days? Impossible. Its like ive been in a coma as i cant remember much, if anything, and that scares me, but ive read its normal too. I have a big fear and im worried im right. theres many in this group who were soulmates and so happy, like Paul and i were. Im worried I'll never be as happy again. And i know this isnt being present in the now, and its not about finding someone else cause i dont want that again....but its about that feeling of just being completely content. And a few months ago i was thinking how absolutely content and happy my life was with Paul. And as i thought that, i was worried too, as if it was a premonition, cause ive had those a few times in my life, but i put it out of mind. And others have said there might be a different kind of happiness for me, but i feel like its all sad from here on in, and even the good times, will be tinged by tears.

Thankyou Gwenivere, thi does really help. Its always been hard for me to stay in the present and especially more now. I might need think more hour to hour or minute by minute now.

Today a friend took me out for a short walk and coffee. And it was surreal being in public and i didnt want to look at anyone. And how do you handle every single thing reminding you of your spouse, all day long. Simple things, like the car that pulled up next to us had a couple in it, middle aged, like we were. And today was one of the harder days. I barely slept last night. And its not like other bad life situations where i would tell myself 'you'll feel better by Christmas' or 'you'll feel better soon' cause i realized something today. The longer i go without him, the longer we'll have been apart and i dont want that at all. So i feel stuck and trapped. Cause i dont want to be here, but i dont want to more time to pass and feel farther from him, And as my friend and i were talking, i cant imagine a year without him, let alone another 40 years. And people say go day by day, but what to you in the moments of worst despair? Its like a feeling of dread thats so deep and dark Ive only felt it a few short times in my life. Crying helps some, but not much.

Thanks Hollowheart, That joke scenario explains it really well, thats exactly like how it is. Saw the grief counsellor today at the cancer centre. Also saw my dr a few days ago. Like almost everyone on here they said im doing very normal and to just let myself grieve, however that may be. For the person here who wrote I'd make my mom ill and i had to get out of bed as had been in bed 9 days, thats simply not true and that comment wasnt supportive. I hadnt been in bed for 9 days, my husband passed away suddenly 9 days before. And he only survived 17 days after being diagnosed. And those entire 17 days were made up of total chaos, 22 hour days of total care, multiple caregivers in and out of our home throughout each day and hours of frantic phone calls trying to get things arranged. There was no time to arrange hospice even as he deteriorated so fast. They tried, but it was too late. He deteriorated by the hour. Im an RN and even with help he needed continous complex care around the clock. I cared for him, in our house. We're in Canada and because hospice couldnt get arranged in time cause he deteriorated so fast, the only other option was calling 911 and having him pass away in an overcrowded ER hallway or a hospital room shared with multiple patients. And i would not do that. Then when he suddenly passed, there were days of arrangements, equipment pick ups and deliveries and general chaos. I think each situation is so different. Maybe the person who made that comment had more time, or maybe they had no time....however, if there is no warning, at least you go into that being well rested... I spent those 17 days with only several hours of fitful sleep each day, if that. And so last week, when things quieted a bit, i took to bed. And i needed it. I was mentally, physically ahd emotionally exhausted. It had been an all out war zone. And despite that, i dragged myself out each day for at least an hour or two, cause i have to run our business, as dont have other income. And so ive been doing that each day, and it is hard, but cathartic too. But after a few hours of working at something which i only partially know, and struggling to deal with and now being the owner/ manager of a company that must sustain me and dealing with client calls and concerns and regustrations and scheduling and god knows what else, i crawl back into bed and watch netflix for awhile. And i cry. And no i dont think I'llmake my mom ill, shes staying with me now and although she makes meals, i make sure she rests a lot and gets lots of sleep, and she is not waiting on me handand foot, and things have been going well that way. and the therapist today said the problem with a situation like mine is its rare, at least in cancer circles, cause most people with cancer have at least months. And she didnt know if they could help me, and she said i might look for counselling elsewhere. But im going to try again next week and also look for another counsellor too, to cover my back. She also said trauma grief is very different, and its normal to not be functional for a very longtime. And there was only one comment here that told me to get up and get going and that i was depressed, but please if youre not going to be supportive and you dont know my facts, please dont comment. I get it. If im doing this months from now, maybe i need a little prod, but right now, i know how im being is ok. Both the counsellor and my GP said so.

My mom told me tonight when i was crying "you cant keep going on like this" and i had to tell her what everyone here said, that its only been 9 days and even though shed feel better seeing me up and about, that it wouldnt be better for me. She said she was frustrated as didnt know how to help me, and i told her just bringing my meals to my bed and being there was helping me. I dont think she believed me. She wants to 'do something' to make me feel better. I hope she doesnt get impatient. And i told her right now, i just need to be this way. I ate twice, showered, and met an employee at our home for an hour or so this afternoon, a d i sent some business emails and watched about 20 netflix shows. And besides that i laid in bed all day. But i thought i was doing ok?

Thankyou QueenieMary, this helps. It really does. Its strange as before this I only personally knew one person who'd lost her husband young, in her 20s to cancer. But she was distantly related and I never talked to her much. It also sounds cliched, but this is something that I heard others going through, I always thought something could happen, but you always think 'maybe down the road'. With my husband, I was always worried about his heart, as he'd been overweight and was on pills for his blood pressure and had been recently diagnosed as a type 2 diabetic. I'd always nag him about his diet. And then we were worried about dementia, as his mom got hit hard by that when she was young. But its so true that what hits you is things you never worried about. He had no immediate family history of cancer, well his dad had lung, but he was a heavy smoker. And so, we never even talked about. If anything, we were more worried about me, as I had a suspicious lump removed several years ago. To know other people have survived, is helpful, so very helpful. But its tough, cause I'm so young. And all my friends work, and almost all work full time. So, its so very isolating. I'm working out of home and I can already see work is something to concentrate on, but I also have nothing outside of that. Not right now. Its awful. I've started watching TV in our bedroom. Netflix. We never had one there until Paul was ill and even so, he only was able to watch it for a few minutes. So I have no memories associated with that. I'm having trouble sitting in the living room where we did each nite, and I cant; sit at the kitchen table. And I fear this is my life now. A life of fear and despair. And only working, as thats all I have now, and in some ways, it helps me focus, and in others, its awful. as I see how much my husband knew and did and how little I appreciated or understood that. And I am wracked with so much guilt. IS that normal? Each day all i can think is so cliched but what would I do differently etc. About every aspect of our lives. Its just awful. There is so much i would change. And how do people sleep. Even with sleeping meds I can only sleep for a few hours and then always wake up at 4 AM and just lie there. I tried to read last night and did read, but it didnt help me tire. I'm in the if- only bargaining part right now. All I can think is what if we would have done this or that. WHat if it'd be found earlier. What if we had 4 weeks instead of 2. I've even thought of all the times we were in ER and at the dr for what they all thought was kidney stones, but they could never find kidney stones and there was one time in ER where they laughed at him and sent him home. And I'm convinced now it was pancreatitis. And the cancer had started and noone did a scan. He was overweight a bit and they wrote him off. And cause he was trying to lose weight anyways, noone picked up on the weight loss. ANd he was embarrased about his body so always told me his body wasn't built right and that's why his back always hurt at night (which I now know wa sthe cancer). And I get so angry I want to talk to a lawyer. But then I feel more guilt that I;m turning into one of 'those people'. But my grief is so real and I think my concerns are so real. and I have so much guilt over the pain he endured.

Made it through one more day today . The longest we'd ever been apart is 9 days. Today is 8. I don't know how I'll make it through this week. I see a grief counsellor on Thursday. But it's only for 1 hour and how can I possibly explain this mess in that time? And I saw my dr today. I'm still on my sleeping pills and thank god for that. It's so weird to be 'that person' that has tragedy hung around my neck. And it's tough cause I feel like the rest of the world is just a movie right now, and I'm watching it go by. And everyone else who was close is already posting on Facebook , going out for birthday suppers and resuming their normal routines. And I feel trapped in my bed, not wanting to get up, but not wanting to sleep, and trying to remember 'us ' but barely able to remember us. And then feeling badly cause I barely cried today. And realizing a friend who promised my husband she'd be there thru this now and afterwards, seems uncomfortable with my emotion and lack of direction. She's gone from being here 24-7 to sending a short text once a day and basically is checking out. She called yesterday to ask how things were and at the end, I got the pressure about the memorial again. And she finally got it when I got overwhelmed and she then said 'do you want to put everything on hold for now'. And I don't get why it took her so long to hear that's what I was saying all along. And each time someone pulls back, I feel like I've lost someone else. And it hurts so badly. She's gone from checking in every hour or two, to just a 2 word text once a day, that really has no meaning. And My parents are staying with me now, and we haven't talked timelines, but they haven't mentioned returning to their house or anything like that but they only live a 10 min. Drive away so hopefully it's ok cause in no way do I feel like I could be alone anytime soon. And I wonder if this is 1 week, how do I make it to 2 weeks, then 3 and so on. I feel dead myself. And terrified. And I saw myself in the mirror at the drs office, and I looked really really horrific. I looked like death itself. And I'm not a vain person , I'm always satisfied with how I look, but I scared myself cause I looked so raw and just awful, like a ghoul with giant grey bags under my eyes, greasy unbrushed hair and rumpled clothes I've been sleeping in. How does anyone get through. Every day is a complete battle. I try to talk to my Paul, but it doesn't really work, and I just feel so really really awful. And I get mad cause he abandoned me here with all this shitty mess to clean up and manage. I know you all have been there, but it doesn't feel like I can get through. And worse yet , it doesn't feel like I want to either. I read it's normal to have those thoughts but my life seems to have no purpose anymore. We had no kids, so my mom told me teddy needs me (he's our 20 month old giant teenage dog) but it doesn't feel anything the same. I'm terrified for years ahead, when my parents are gone (they're 80), my dog is gone, and I have no real family ( I have a brother who I'm close to but rarely see). I fear my future is all lonely all the time, and I'll just wither away and die and no one will even notice or care. I'm sorry this is so down, it's how I feel right now .

Thankyou KayC, i think ill take your example of saying 'when you lose you're husband, ill tell you to do this or that' as i can tell theres going to be those who wont listen cause they know best. Im going to need to be blunt with some, and strangely its the married women being the worst, more than anyone else. My own mother is really struggling, shes not good with emotional support, never has been. We had a huge blowout a few days ago and i let her know it wasnt about her all the time (like its been in the past). It was huge, and hollywood-worthy. Did she get it? Maybe a bit, i know she wont really change, but i can see shes at least trying now. But its still a battle to get people to understand, and i wish it wasnt, just to listen to what i need, i tried telling my mom today that what i needed was quiet time in bed, and she kept saying 'i dont know what you need', 'the dr said to get exercise'. Its a control thing with her, but i can tell shes terrified im in bed do much, normalcy is getting up to eat supper at the table for her. Finally i told her other people on here have been saying its normal, to do what im doing, and perhaps that helped a bit. Not sure yet. If only people would listen. And let me be me. And stop calling to check in and say 'oh by the way, heres the latest research on hall rentals', and then hesitating when i say im not ready cause they need to know to make plans. My husband would say this is all so stupid, and it is. And so unnecessary. And it makes me miss him even more. I used to have bad anxiety, i guess i still do, but have worked through it for many years at counselling. And now, im ok. But the grief is something else entirely. I know its healthiest to experience the feelings of grief, and let them be, but did any of you ever feel like i do....theres been some people where ive thought , just you wait, id like to see how you get through yours when it happens and you lose someone. And i know that is angry, and mean and utterly bad to be thinking such thoughts. But i have for some people, cause im so hurt by them.

Debi and KATPILOT, and to everyone else too, this helps, it really really does. Debi, youre the only one who said to stay in bed or wherever and that you sat for weeks in a chair. I have to fight for what i want now, and had to tell my mom that laying in bed is what i need. Of course, its not what people want to see, they get scared you'll never get up again. I just want someone close to me to tell me to lay there as long as i need. I had to hear about when my dr told me to get some exercise each day and eat right , etcetc, back from my mom. I told her, yes i get that, and its important, but this situation is different. Im in shock and what i need more than exercise, is a quiet place to rest. I feel like ive just crawed out of a war zone, after being shelled from all angles. and i love the quote about flying the airplane first, cause its so true. And even just now i had to fend off a call about 'when is the memorial, but no pressure! '. Why do people need to rush through things, is it for them or for you. And it makes me feel even more isolated, that the one person who'd truly advocate for me and back me up no matter what, isnt here to do so. And the reality is, i dont want a memorial yet, cause it makes it real. And final. And 3 weeks ago we were at the dog park, walking, and planning our shopping lists and what we were going to do that day, and life was normal. And it was good. So very good. And KATPILOT, i like how you refer to yourself as being married for all time. And i can see people in the future just wishing i was happy, so wanting me to move on. But they wont get it, and they dont get it now. Honestly, i think the thought of me moving on, makes them feel better, and that itd be easier for them too. And ive had 2 people mention this to me already, the whole 'as inconceivable as this sounds, you may meet someone" and ' you had a life before without him, you'll have a life again'....they dont get how hurtful it is. and thankyou Debi for saying the house stuff pales in comparison to the grief. I am terrified of the grief even though i am in it. Im worried i will be sad forever, and even though there will be happy moments, i know itll never be the same, as my happiest moments were with Paul, and i cant imagine a happier, more contented life. And when people say i was happily single before I met him, and will be again, they dont realise that before id never known such happiness. And now, i cant imagine anyone being as good a person or as good a match for me. It took ,me half a lifetime to meet him, and we only had 5 years, but i know he was the one. I am devastated.