ok, so a little background info i guess. my mom found out she was pregnant after getting out of a really bad relationship with my biological father. he had hidden his drinking and drug use from her, at the time she was 3 years sober. she confronted him, he got violent. i figure she made the right choice, it's what i would do. when i was born, he gave up all his parental rights. so i never got a chance to meet him before his death. i spent from the age of 16 to 19 trying to find him, which wasn't easy at all being as i had no cash to help with that process. also he and his family aren't very easy to find, no one seems to keep the same address or phone for long. anywho, one day in june of 05 i figured, hey why not do a google search for the heck of it. well i found his obituary, he had died 3 months earlier. at least through that i got to meet the rest of my bio fam, i even have about 13 half sibs...he had a major thing for red heads. for a while i felt very cheated by that, it was even harder to learn that he'd pretty much been stalking me my whole life, came to all my various recitals. i know it's a wonderful thing that he cared about me that much, it was pretty odd showing up and having a whole family i'd never met before know all about me. it almost feels worse though that he was there, and never approached me or anything. i figure he thought that that was what was best... ok, so when i was 5 my mom met this guy fell in love, blah blah blah, they married he legally adopted me, his family took me in they are wonderful people. they divorced when i was 8, he got stuck with a kid and child support. even though he wasn't all that excited about it at first he stuck with me at least i guess. though when i was 11 he moved to california, and when i was 16 he moved to taiwan. we spoke a lot on the phone, he made a lot of effort to be in my life as much as he could, i honestly hadn't ever been happy with him having moved, it took me a long time to accept that and to accept him into my life. after my bio dad died, and i realized that relationship would never happen. i decided to take full advantage of at least having a loving father...ugh that sounds horrible. i don't even know how to explain it all, or even remember it all. i blocked a lot of the whole "divorce" memories over the years. overall he had matured a lot and i truly believe he had actually found his place in life, which really showed in his relationship with me. um, anyways, on my 21st birthday i woke up fairly hungover to about 20 missed calls from my mother. my dad had been in the country for the holidays my birthday is january 1st. he had been making breakfast for my grandparents, felt he had really bad indigestion and drove himself to walgreens to get some antacids. while he was there realized it wasn't indigestion, the idiot drove himself to the hospital and collapsed in the er corridor and died from a severe MI. i realize it would have been just as horrible had he not died on my birthday. i know it sounds horrible, but it would be nice to at least have one day a year that is just mine. instead even thinking of my birthday is pretty horrible, it's even worse having everyone saying happy birthday, when one thing you really aren't feeling is happy. all it does is remind me of his death, and spending most of my day on the phone signing over his organs. having to figure out how to let his friends in taiwan know he's dead. calling all of his friends in the states, trying to figure out how to get his possessions back. lucky for me his sister took care of all the funeral arrangements, i really wasn't in a place to take care of it myself at that time. this year i will be 24, i didn't deal with either deaths well. i've always had a major problem with depression. after my bio dad's death i did fairly well, i think it really helped to have his/my family in my life to deal with it. i also really started to rely on my dad, and that i still had a dad. the last 3 years i haven't been well with my depression. i finally started working again a few months ago, getting my life on track. i really figure this year, i need to make my birthday my own again. i'm really just not sure how to do this at all. part of me really just doesn't even want to acknowledge it, while another part feels it's what i have to do. i also feel guilty for wanting this. it's all just a whole big jumble of confusion in my head. i thought, since everyone here has lost. maybe someone would have some input on it. i've spoken with friends about it, not anyone who has lost a parent. all i've received in feed back so far is "PARTY AND GET DRUNK!!!". i guess that's what you get for knowing a bunch of 20something year olds... sorry this was so long, i tend to ramble a lot.
