JandE905

I like being in my house also. I only go out to work because I have to. I'd rather stay home, I feel closer to Eric here. But when I'm home, I really don't do anything. Eric & I would love to stay in and watch tv. We watched movies all the time too. Now, I can barely sit through a half hour show. I feel like I've lost all interest in everything. Most of our friends seemed to be really Eric's friends. I have a few close friends where as Eric would hang out with anyone who would talk to him. He was extremely socialable. I just really have no desire to do anything anymore. I find no joy in anything that I do. I can't sit and watch tv because I don't have Eric to talk to about the show/movie. I don't have him here to talk about my day or call when I need him. I know that I have given up on life. I've said it enough times to everyone, I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for my kids. I have no desire to do anything that makes me happy because nothing makes me truely happy anymore. I didn't have that special feeling for Christmas that I had all the previous years with Eric. I only cared that my kids were happy. I basically am living for my kids, Eric would be disappointed in me if I didn't take care of our kids. I put on a good show for everyone but these are my true feelings. I don't care to be happy because I don't have Eric here to share it with. I also think now, what is the point of doing anythng, one day my life will be over and nothing that I have done will matter. People won't care. What I don't understand is how everyone is your friend while you are here and then once your gone, its like that person never exsisted. I still have all of Eric belongings and I never plan on getting rid of them. I feel as if I get rid of them that I am saying goodbye & accepting that fact that he is gone. I still believe that some how I may wake up one day & he will be here. I know everyone may thinks I'm crazy but sometimes that the only thing that helps me get to the next day. I know that I am rambling here. Thanks for listening to whatever I was trying to explain.. Jenn

I too feel the same way, almost each and every day since Eric was taken from me on April 27th. Why am I here? I hate that I was left behind. I wish I was with him this very moment. I am so lonely and depressed. Everything that I once enjoyed, I can't stand now. Eric and I would always buy and watch so many movies, our friends used to call us Blockbuster. Now I can barely sit still enough to watch a commercial. I am constantly giving up the tv to the kids. I used to love to watch romantic comedies, now I can't bare to watch them. I see no real purpose in my life. I do have two children. They are my only reason for living. I get up each morning because I feel that I have no choice but to take care of my children. I believe that if I didn't take care of our children, I would be letting Eric down. But I feel as if my life is over too. I find real happiness in anything. I would be lying if I said I did. Any time that I may feel some kind of happiness, I think of Eric and then I am sad and feel guilty that I am here and he isn't. Eric was my life! I lived for him since I first met him at 13. I don't know who I am without him. I understand how you feel. I wish I could offer some words of encouragment but I really have none. I just want you to know that you are not alone in the way you feel. It must be normal to feel this way. I hope you can find some peace. Take care Jenn

I am so upset. I am having a extremely hard day today. So many things are going wrong. The headstone was not at the cemetery for Eric's 35th birthday this past Saturday. It crushed me. I don't even want to call to see when it will be in place because all I wanted was for it to be in place for his birthday. My daughter is failing in school and won't talk to anyone at all. I can't take anything anymore. Everything is just falling apart and I just don't know what to do anymore. I am so lost in this world!

Saturday is my husbands 35th birthday. I cannot talk about him in the past. I was hoping for his headstone to be put at the cemetery by now but it isn't. I wanted it there for him for tomorrow. Please keep me and my children in your hearts and thoughts tomorrow. Jenn

Hi Summberbelle, I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your husband. I lost my husband on April 27. He was only 34. I was only 33. He went to bed and never woke up the next morning. There was nothing wrong with my husband. He just never woke up. I feel alot of the same things you do. We never really discussed funerals or anything like that because we both thought that we would be together forever. We stared dating when I was 13, he was 14. We had our first child, Miranda, when we were 20. We married in 1998, we would've celebrated our 10 yr anniversary this past September. We had our second child, Lil Eric, when were 30. Now at 33, all of the sudden he's gone! I am so mad! I am still in shock most of the time. I still don't think of any of this is real! I went back to work in July. For me, it is good for me to be at work. It keeps me busy. When I am at home, all I do is cry. I've tried counselors but they didn't work for me. This website does help me though. The people here are very comforting. I will never say I know how you feel because even though I am going through the same thing you are, we each have our feelings and ways of dealing with everything. I will not say time will heal, like so many others do because I don't believe it. I have lost my best friend. My life is over now also. I am only waiting for the day for me to be with him again. Nothing is the same anymore. Nothing will ever be the same anymore. I am here to raise my 2 kids. That is my job. All, I can tell you is that just one second at a time. Most people say take one day at a time. I can't even get to that yet. Thats why I said one second at a time. Do what you want. Don't worry about what other people want or expect of you. Do want you want, mourn your husband the way you want to. I won't say remember the memories either. I'm sure that time will come but I haven't gotten there yet. I have too much sadness and anger right now. If there is anything that I can do, please let me know. I am here for you. Jenn

SD2, I have gone to three or more, I can't keep count, counselors. None of them helped. They all wanted me to move forward.The last one that I went to actally asked me who I was talking about 15 minutes into the session. I thought I was going to kill her but instead I just left. I don't want to go to any kind of support group. I can't even deal with my emotions and depression, how am I supposed to listen to everyone elses. How can I move forward when I am still so numb. I get out of bed each day, that is moving forward for me. It may be little but it is something that I can do. I do it because I have to. I have to support my kids. I don't choose to go on. I am here for my kids. If I didn't have my kids, I would be with Eric already. That is how I truly feel. My kids keep me going. I love them with all my heart but I lost my best friend. I have Eric's picture everywhere. In every room of my house, work, my car. I didn't even have my license when Eric was alive. I put it off for so long cause I always had him to take me everywhere. In July I had to get my license. I am living my life because I have to, not because I want to. Eric was with me since I was 13, grade school. He was with me through my horrible teenage years, dealt with getting older and responsibilities, he was there through every milestone in my life. I can't remember ever not being with him. Now, when I am going through the worst part of my life, I don't have him. I don't know how to live without him. Thanks for your support. I came to this site for this. I come by alot now & read through alot of the posts. I basically have a support group at work. There is 6 women there and 4 of us lost our husbands while working there. And one of the ones that passed away was the father of another girl I work with. Thats 5 out of 6. Its extremely creepy but I know that I can turn to these friends if I need to. Again, Thanks. Jenn

Nothing is getting any easier. Actually, I am not looking for life to get any easier. I will always feel the way I feel right now. I will always miss my husband, Eric. That will never change. I probably will be the emotional mess that I am now. Not knowing why he was taken so young and so unexected will always make me feel the way I feel now. My husband, Eric, 35th birthday is this Saturday. I don't know how to get through it. His headstone has not been put at the cemetery which is crushing me. I wanted it to be there so I will be able to decorate it. I'm afraid to put anything down now because any day the headstone could be coming. I am a basket case already. I am still in shock and denial. I just don't know what to do. I laugh but I know that it doesn't really make me truely happy. I will never be "truly" happy again. I know this. I just don't know how to live a life like this. I still will not take my 3 yr old son to the cemetery. I will not explain any of this to him to he's ready and that will be when he asks me questions and I know he will understand the answers that are given to him. My daughter never goes to the cemetery. She did tell me that she is going to walk up there. I was shocked but I also realize that she doesn't want to go with me. She knows that I am there every day. I believe that my daughter who is 13 hates me. She was a Daddys Girl. Eric was the fun one. I think she resents me know. I've tried to buy her things which I know is wrong but that didn't work. I ask her everyday that I go out if she needs anything and her reply is always nothing. I know that she has been low on this one certain ice tea that she drinks. I have been waiting for her to come to me to ask me to get her more. Finally, I broke down and asked her if she wanted more of it, she told me that she doesn't care. She never wants to go anywhere with me or my son, she stays on the computer all the time and when she's not on that she's hiding up in her room. I know she is in her teenage years but I think she resents me or blames me for her Dad not being here. I have been giving her space with all of her friends and hopes that she will confide in them. I do believe that she has. I found out on her myspace page that she broke up with her first love. I know she's only 13 but it does hurt. She wouldn't even tell me. I was crushed. I feel like I've lost everyone in my family. I am alone. I don't know how to go on anymore. I am numb! Jenn

I have had this ame thought many times. My husband, Eric was the complete opposite of me. He was very outgoing and full of life. He never worried about anything. He laughed and joked about anything and everything. I am the worry wort. I find the smallest thing and worry about it like crazy. He was always tell me that nothing is worth worrying that much about. Everything always works out. Eric was a dialysis tech. He was so well liked. All his patients adored him. He never treated them any different from any other person, no matter how sick they were. I don't understand why I am here and he isn't. I don't have any ambitions. I have a horrible personality. I am shy and quiet. I always look at the bad, never the good. Why leave me here! I should've died instead of him. I do believe that Eric would be heart broken without me. But, he would be the type of person to be happy and live life to fullest in my memory. I can't do that. I have died with him. I have no desire to live. I feel like a bad mother for saying that. I have 2 children. I just can't bear life without him. I will never understand why I am here and Eric isn't. Jenn

I feel the same way. Its been 6 months, 1 week and 6 days since I lost my best friend and husband, Eric. I feel like the days just keep getting harder. I feel that its not fair for the world to go on without him. I feel that we won the World Series (Philadelphia Phillies) and Eric was not here for it and that its so unfair. He didn't get to experience it. He didn't get to see the historical presidential election that just passed. Sometimes, I just stop in the street and wonder how can everyone else go on without him. Doesn't anyone realize that he's not here!!! I feel so guilty and awlful for getting up each day. I feel that its not fair for me to be here and he's not. I do have 2 children from Eric. My oldest daughter is 13 and my son is 3. Sometimes, I can't even look at them. Just seeing Eric in them breaks my heart. I love my kids with everything that I am but I have so many emotions when I look at them sometimes. I feel so bad for them that they don't have a father now. How are they going to grow up without him. How is my son who is only 3 going to have any memories of him. I know that I will be able to tell him about his father but its not the same. Eric wanted a son so badly and it took us 10 years to finally have another baby. He was thrilled when we found out we were having a boy. How am I going to raise a boy? I feel so lost. I was with Eric since I was 13. My whole life was Eric. I don't know who I am without him. I feel like I have died with him so why shouldn't I just die also! My life has no meaning without him. I'm sorry that none of this is encouraging but I honestly have nothing encouraging to offer. I am lost, lonely and miserable. I hope that you can find some comfort here, if only for a few seconds. One thing I can say is that the people here do care for you and so do I. Jenn

Thank you so much. As I am sitting here crying, my 3 yr old son comes to me with a tissue and wipes my tears off my face. I feel like I am putting my kids through even more stress and sadness but my emotions. Its been 6 months and I feel no different from what I felt on day one without my husband. Everyone tells me time will help but I don't see it happening. I still wear my wedding rings and his too now. I am still married and will be for the rest of my life! Your friend, Jenn

Hi, I am new to this website. My husband passed away on April 27, he was only 34 years old. He went to sleep and never woke up the next morning.I was the one who found him. We were watching the flyers game the night before. We had some drinks and a good time. My husband was on medication that had warning labels about mixing alcohol with his prescriptions. My husband was the slim percentage of people who die from this. I was only 33 and a widow. We have 2 children. Our daughter is 13 and my son was about to turn 3 when this happened. Eric was my one & only love. We met when we were 13 and have been together ever since. We have gone through everything together. We were soul mates. My life has been turned upside down and I feel completely alone. I still don't believe that this has happened. I feel that I am in another world, a nightmare too. I am still waiting for him to come home from work or get a phone call from him. I have so many emotions that sometimes I just can't handle. I tried a few counselors but they didn't help. I don't want to go to a support group and so a friend recommended this website. I don't even know where to begin with all the feelings and emotions that I have. I still feel in shock. I have never been by myself. I still have feelings that I want to die also. I am on medication for sleeping and depression. I can get through my days at work but my nights are the hardest. I still have break downs during the day at work though. I feel like my second home now is the cemetery. I am currently waiting for his headstone to put in. Eric's birtday is the 15th of his month. We would've celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary this past september. The holidays are coming and I honestly don't know how I am going to get through them. I have decided to stay home with my kids for Thanksgiving and Christmas. Eric was so full of life. The life of the party. He could make anyone laugh and he was a great friend to everyone. He was a dialysis technician. His patients loved him. He has so much more to do in life. I am the quiet one. I am the one who just takes life as it is. I don't look how to make myself better. Eric was always looking to make our lives better. I am having a hard time being the only parent for the kids. I feel so alone by myself. I miss having someone to talk to. Even simple little things. Eric is my best friend. I don't know how to live without him. Thank you to everyone for listening to me.