My mom died Christmas day. My daughter, her partner and I were with her, holding her. She waited for us - she knew our routines and she chose us to be with her. It has been almost 3 weeks since she died, and I feel worse than before. I suppose it is reality setting in - that I won't see her or talk to her again. My mom died from complications of diabetes, congestive heart failure, renal failure. She was a double amputee. It was in her brain as well. She became more childlike as the disease spread. I lost her little by little over the last 8 years. I felt horrible about the feelings I had over that time - I wanted her to die, it was terrible what her body was going thru. Then she went into hospice and went into a steady decline that lasted only 5 weeks - and I wanted time to stop. Please, I can't keep up. It took so long to get to her time to die, and then there was no more time. I am still reeling, a mess of emotions. I love my mom, and I miss her, I am so thankful we took the time to talk, to tell each other how much we loved each other. I was her primary emotional support/caregiver for most of this last year. I keep thinking of her, who she was, her life, what legacies she left us - its like a continuous tape in my mind. There is an enormous emptiness now. She is still very much with me, and I need to talk about her. I am scared to let anything go, I am so afraid that as memories and feelings lessen, she will disapear. It is the little things that blind side me - I took some of the things she had in hospice to the thrift store, and it felt like I lost her again. My siblings are grieving in their own way - one by working, and the other by withdrawing. I am so afraid we will continue to be separate. I am the eldest, and I know how important it was for my mom that we have time together as a family - I will try later to keep up some of those traditions. I remember the last dinner we had as a family, my mom was already very weak, and couldn't understand everything we said, but she was happy crying just to see us all together. IT was important thing to her. I am just rambling, I hope I am making some sense. Thanks to whoever reads this, I hope you reply. IT would help.
