All I do is ask "WHY?" and "haven't I had enough bad things in my life to now face his loss?" I know that I should be grateful for having had Ed in my life, but dammit, I don't want to spend the next 20-30 years on my own without him. One person, though imperfect in many ways, did make such a difference for someone like me. I asked for an extraordinary man to want to just live an ordinary life, and I got him, but now it is all gone....everything is gone. I rattle around this house during the day in tears...his family has totally dismissed me. Everyone says hang on to the memories of what was good and that will get you through. Well, it was what was so bloody wonderful that I mourn for...it was all good. Yes, I'm scared of facing a life without him as I have no where to go and no one to go to...I'm an orphan in this world and this one man, Ed, filled so many horrible voids that are now back multiplied many times over. Sorry for my rambling on...just having a very, very bad day with the memories and looking at a very bleak future. Wow, Patti your above note almost sounds like I typed it. I am so sorry that you have to go through this walk without your Ed. I too have wondered why, and have thought about the lonely 20-30 years on my own. And yes, the memories.... they were the good times and now they feel like the best times I will ever have. I was with my husband, Guy for 29 years. He suffered a major stroke last January and passed away on Feb 9, 2005. He was 15 years older than me, but often I teased him that he acted like he was 5 years old. He was full of life and excitement. I experienced things with him that I never dreamed of. He was always so robust that I often told him that he would outlive me. And his answer was always "I hope not, I couldn't live without you, it has to be the other way you are stronger". Most times I don't feel strong. I think why did I get diagnosed with MS, have to leave my job of 20 years because of my health and lose my husband/caregiver/love of my life all in one year. All I can tell you is there is NEVER an answer as to why. You just have to plod along, the best you can, one day at a time. Some steps are just little ones forward, alot are backward jumps, quite a few are diversions - there are days, I don't even know how I got through. It is not easy, and certainly not what you expected or wanted. Yesterday was a bad day for me, but after I got on this site and read how others feel I didn't feel so alone. You are not alone keep in touch with all on this site (esp me) we are all this together. Try to be gentle with yourself. Judi (jmr on this site)
