Three months ago, the most tragic thing, that I never thought would happen, happened. I lost my nana. She was only 66 years old. She was the strongest, most amazing person I've ever met. It started 4 years ago, she was diagnosed with lung cancer with the tumor resting on the pulminary valve. They said her chances were very slim. My Nana, worked throughout every day she had cancer and made a miraculous recovery. Everything was great for a few years. Then last November, she had to get part of her colon removed. The surgery lasted a lot longer than it was expected to. She ended up in a coma for 3 weeks. We thought we had lost her. On thanksgiving, she coughed up the ventilator she was on and she was breathing on her own. We were amazed. The first thing words she said were "We're going on a cruise." We did. We went on a cruise, and I have the best memories with her. I spent the summer away in Belgium on my exchange. I skipped our last family camping trip that we did every year. I used to beat myself up every day for that, but I know she was proud of me for making it out and seeing the world. On August 28th, 2 days after I got home, I received a phone call saying I needed to get to the hospital, that my grandmother had fallen at work. It was the first time I had seen her since I got home. She had fractured her hip and needed a partial replacement. We were afraid she would end up in a coma so we had them take extra precautions to make sure that it wouldnt happen. She came out of the surgery fine. We thought she was okay. Then on September 13th, at around 11pm, I got another phone call. Telling me to get to the hospital, that it really didn't look good. I got there and went in to see her. She said to me "I guess we'll have to reschedule my nail appointment, huh?" She wanted me to paint her toe nails because she didnt want to go to the doctors without them being painted. I started crying with her because I knew something was wrong. She told me to "keep my chin up" just as she always did. I went back out into the waiting room and layed in the chair listening to my music. I can't remember the song I was listening to, and thats probably for the better because if I heard it now I would probably break down, but I just sat there and cried. No one understood why, we al thought she was going to be okay. I was so scared though. For the first time I was truly scared that I was going to lose her. At 5am, they told me to go see her because they were going to put her on a breathing tube again. I went in to see her and she seemed okay, I had hope. Then she told me she would see me when she woke up. She never woke up. They put her in the ICU. Every time I went in there, her heart rate was even lower. I wanted my cousin to be there. I needed him to be there. But my aunt wouldn't call him to come because she didn't want him to worry. I went down to the cafeteria to get some food. By this time they knew me by my first name. My phone started to ring as I was getting my food. It was my mom telling me to hurry up because they were giving her her last rights. I ran up there, faster than I ever have in my life. I walked in half way through the prayer. After that, we thought we had at least a few hours with her. 20 minutes later, the nurses came to get us to tell us she was passing. We sat in the room with her as she went. All 12 of us. I just layed there in my dads arms as we both cried, mind you I've never seen my dad cry a day in my life, and my nana was just his mother in law. When she had officially passed, it was 12:20 pm. I remember looking at the clock. My cousin showed up about a half hour later. I saw him and started crying and screaming. I didn't know how I was going to survive. I remember sitting in the hallway with my 3 cousins, aged 11, 12 and 18. We were all just crying and screaming. We didn't understand how we could have her taken away from us. At the wake, I just sat in the corner and cried the whole time. My cousin had to drag me up to her casket, but even then, I don't think I really looked at her. I couldn't. I didn't want to believe it. People tried to come up and talk to me, but I couldn't stop crying long enough. I was told I would be speaking at the funeral. So I wrote something for it. I may include it. I started crying as I read off the paper. My 11 year old cousin came up behind me and rubbed my back. It only made me cry more, being 18 and having to be consoled my an 11 year old. I finished. We went to this place afterwards. I probably got a total of 3 hours of sleep that entire week. Here is what I'm going through now. Since I wasn't here for the majority of the end of her life, I feel like she just went on vacation, or like I'm just on another exchange or something. And the hardest part, I feel like I lost my mother that day too. My mom doesn't stop crying. and when I hear her cry, I feel like reality is going to sink in if I listen to it so I have to leave. I don't know what to do. I want my grandmother back. I want my mom back. None of my friends called me until weeks after she had gone. The one time I needed them the most. None of them were there. I feel betrayed by them. I feel like I've lost complete control of my life, and I don't know how to gain it back.
