southern eagle

Can someone please help. Every night at 6:00 pm. I have to put on 4 blanket because I am so cold. That is when the grief hits and I am freezing cold....what do I do?

I finally found the strength to move forward and take care of everything that was in my dad's home a step at a time starting this weekend. I have been happy for 3 days and now my daughter wants everything done Sat. There is so much to go thru and no one else to help....make the pain go away....I have a month to get this done and don't have the money to rent a truck for the move....what do I do? Grief is again overwhelming

A few things struck me when continuing to read the posts on this particular thread. Kayc’s comment that said, “I feel like I’m observing life from the sidelines” is certainly a true one and I have had the same feelings many times. Some of our friends and families may not understand sharing our feelings with people in an on-line grief site, however, for me each of you have become very dear “family” members. Each of us has to deal with grief in our own way and I am grateful to have found this wonderful site. It is indeed an essential piece of my healing process. I feel as KayC does – none of you are strangers. Moreover, I have a special kinship to KayC – who is on almost the same grief time line as I am – three and a half years. You are a special person to me KayC!

Singledad2 had a beautiful reminder when he said, “The mind is a very powerful and awesome tool that can provide us with very distinct memories. Don’t let those fade away – use those memories to help you get through the rough times.”

This message reminded me of one of the last of twenty poems I wrote in the first year following Jack’s death. It was early on the morning of January 19, 2007, the weather had turned usually cold the previous evening, and frost killed much of the vegetation in my yard - which was very unusual for the Phoenix area. As I sat there that morning, I wrote the following poem. It was a reminder to me that my memories were indeed a very powerful healing tool. Here is that poem – it is a repeat for some of you – but for so many of the new faces on this site it will be “new.”

“Memories Of Green”

A killing frost - fell on the ground

It took away life - all around

Green and fresh - what I recall

Living breathing plants - so tall

Remember how the sun would shine

How the rain would feed the vines

Remember how it was all small

And how it all grew into tall

And then the killing frost arrived

With mighty force - and deadly stride

It took away life – all around

As dusty white - fell on the ground

Death becomes what can be seen

But I have “Memories Of Green”

And so it is with cancers march

Just like the frost – a molten starch

It takes away all life around

It spreads and chocks - and turns life brown

Remember how - the sun would shine

How love became - the story line

Remember how - we grew from small

And how – we grew from small to tall

Life is like the frost we see

It sometimes kills the beauty

And underneath the killing frost

Are memories of all that’s lost

Death becomes what can be seen

But I have “Memories Of Green”

When frost has taken life from you

Erased and snatched what you grew

Remember how the sun would shine

How the rain would feed the vines

Death becomes what can be seen

But you have “Memories Of Green”

© John R. Davis 01/19/07

I hope the words of this poem help each of you in some way.

I would also like to invite each of you to visit my web site at http://findingmybananabreadman.com/ . It is filled with inspirational pieces of information as well as music. Although my web site was established to help promote my book, “Finding My Banana Bread Man”, I am not seeking sales by referring you to this site, but rather to provide another source of inspirational messages and music.

Love and peace to each of you

John – Dusky is my handle on here

Love you Jack – and Dusky

John,

Thank you from the bottom middle and top of my heart for your website link. It was just what I needed today!

Patti

I'm so sorry for your loss. What a lovely saying of your dad's.

Thank you so much, it is a cool saying the more I think about it.

Annie,

Thank you so much for your thoughts and ideas. Last night Stew made me go to the grocery store. I used to go almost every day, I started shaking and was afraid to look any one in the eye. As we were looking for our "treat" for the night, a dear friend rushed up and hugged me. Another "grief burst" hit and I wanted to run away. My friend told me that it was ok and reminded me of how many times I have done this for others and since I had paid it forward, it was my turn to be given back.

When we got home, I was so embarrased that I had cried. My daughter and her boyfriend both smiled and said, so what, you are human and gave me a huge stuffed Husky dog, yes his name is Pappy. My husband laughed and so did I for the first time in 2 months. God it felt good. Then they handed me a box from Dad's home, in it was an angel that I had bought him in Florida. He had put it in a box with sand from the beach and a picture of the 2 of us smiling and happy. Truely a gift from above.

As the family and I talked about how weird it is not to be in Florida, I began to understand my Dad's trips every year. He would always take us to the same place for years by the ocean. I realize that he only changed locations when we reached a new level of life. It is my turn to pick a place and make it special for my family, just us and the kid's. Can't decide now if it is going to be snow or ocean. Maybe another day.

Thank you all for being here and listening and sharing.

Patti

Thank you to both Annie and Mary! After reading your posts, I spent time looking thru pictures of our trips to the ocean and remembered my Dad saying that this is where angels come to train to accept the peace of God's love.....and then I talked to my family. My daughter, boy is she a smart one, said that I am finally grieving for both my mom and dad. She had called my brothers last night and told them that it was their turn to go thru all the effects and to sell what is left in the house. My husband told me that I have never been this distant from him in years. He also spoke to my brothers and told them that I am the baby of the family and that I need a break from running the family. They both want to see me smile again, they say that it lights up the room. I am afraid to smile and be happy right now, does it mean that I miss dad less? He grieved for 6 months after my mom passed and just stayed in his room looking at her pictures. I am doing the same things.

I know that he is in Heaven with Mom and I am sure that she is giving him grief for making her wait so long to see him again. Even tho he remarried, she was the love of his life and he spent 10 years taking care of her as she battled cancer and strokes. Yes my family is centered in taking care of others first.

I am in my late 40's and yes it feels very weird to be an orphan. I miss them both and will miss taking care of them as they did for me when I was a child. Even tho we have 3 cats and 1 dog, my daughter and boyfriend want me to get another dog and call it pappy. I think my husband would stop speaking to me....no more pets!

You are so right Mary, I have not stopped cleaning, cooking, working long hours so that I don't have to admit that I am human and hurting. My husband told me that my tour of duty helping my parents generation is over and that it is time for me to enjoy life and relax. I don't know how to do that, tried shopping and kept crying in Wallmart because I kept finding things that Dad would love.

Thank you for listening, it helps.

Patti

Good afternoon,

I lost my dad on 11/13/08, exactly 10 years after my mother passed. Both had several health issues and the end was long in coming. My dad had surgery on his back to repair a slipped disc. When he came out of the surgery, we tried to get him to wake up and talk to me. All he could do was to open his eyes and could not speak. I asked the Doctor if he had suffered a stroke and was told no he would be fine. He was moved to ICU the next day. My brothers finally came to visit him. I am the one to always take care of my parents. Dad's Dr. kept saying that he was getting better and I asked for a second opinion. Dad was to have this the next day....that night I got the call from the hospital asking about Dad's request for DNR. I tried to wake up my brothers, no luck, I had to make the call. We rushed to the hospital and an hour later, Dad passed as I held his hand. He opened his eyes briefly and thanked me for being an awesome daughter and friend. Everytime that I think about that I cry. The nurse who was with me said that she thought that dad had gotten and infection from the surgery. Why did I not see that? I wake up every night at 2:30 waiting for that call to come again and can't sleep for the rest of the night.

My Mom and Dad always moved with us. Now they are both gone and I don't know what to do. I have read posts here and can see that it is time for me to take care of myself, I don't know how to, my life's focus has always been everyone else. I have been there for 8 uncles, 5 aunts at the end and always take care of the arrangements, I know it sounds like I am feeling sorry for myself and the family says get over it, you are the strong one and we need you be strong for us...I have no strength left to give.

I am feeling so lost and keeping thinking that I should have done more. I try to hold myself together, but once a week, I just break down and start crying and feel as if I am loosing my mind. All I want to do is play on the computer and am afraid to go out because I may start crying. I did plant a birch tree out in the front of our yard, it was his favorite, everytime I go there to be close to Dad, my heart breaks.

With the holidays and my 25th wedding aniversary coming next week, I know that I should be happy, but all I keep thinking is that my Dad will not be here to hug me and send roses. He did this every year. He always took us to Florida this week so that I could be at the ocean as it soothes my soul. He also loved the water and we would just sit and watch the waves with me and my family.

My husband and daughter want me to talk to them, but all I do is cry and feel weak, I am suppose to be the strong one and take care of everyone else. My associates at work want me to start doing the happy dance again and laugh...I can't.

I know that I grieved after my mother passed, but it did not hurt this bad. Does anyone know what I should do? Thanks for the help.

southern eagle.