proud2bmyself

I have four songs off the top of my head, happy and sad, that came to mind when I read this thread.... I like to bold the lines that really strike meaning to me.... 1) "Into the West" by Annie Lennox Lay down Your sweet and weary head Night is falling You have come to journey's end Sleep now And dream of the ones who came before They are calling From across a distant shore Why do you weep? What are these tears upon your face? Soon you will see All of your fears will pass away Safe in my arms You're only sleeping What can you see On the horizon? Why do the white gulls call? Across the sea A pale moon rises The ships have come to carry you home And all will turn To silver-glass A light on the water All souls pass Hope fades Into the world of night Through shadows' falling Out of memory and time Don't say We have come now to the end White shores are calling You and I will meet again And you'll be here in my arms Just sleeping What can you see On the horizon? Why do the white gulls call? Across the sea A pale moon rises The ships have come to carry you home And all will turn To silver-glass A light on the water Grey ships pass Into the West ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 2) "May It Be" by Enya Click Here to Listen May it be an evening star Shines down upon you May it be when darkness falls Your heart will be true You walk a lonely road Oh! How far you are from home Mornie utulie (darkness has come) Believe and you will find your way Mornie alantie (darkness has fallen) A promise lives within you now May it be the shadows call Will fly away May it be you journey on To light the day When the night is overcome You may rise to find the sun Mornie utulie (darkness has come) Believe and you will find your way Mornie alantie (darkness has fallen) A promise lives within you now A promise lives within you now ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 3) "Heaven Forbid" by Click Here to Listen Twenty years it's breaking you down, now that you understand there's no one around. Take a breath, just take a seat, you're falling apart and tearing at the seams. Heaven forbid you end up alone and you don't know why. Hold on tight wait for tomorrow, you'll be alright It's on your face, is it on your mind, would you care to build a house of your own. How much longer, how long can you wait, It's like you wanted to go and give yourself away. Heaven forbid you end up alone and you don't know why Hold on tight wait for tomorrow, you'll be alright Heaven forbid you end up alone, and you don't know why Hold on tight wait for tomorrow and you'll be alright It feels good. (Is that reason enough for you.) It feels good. (Is that reason enough for you.) It feels good. (Is that reason enough for you.) It feels good. (Is that reason enough for you.) Heaven forbid you end up alone and you don't know why Hold on tight wait for tomorrow, you'll be alright Heaven forbid you end up alone and you don't know why Hold on tight wait for tomorrow, you'll be alright Out of this one Don't know how to get you out of this one, don't know how to get you out of this one, Don't know how to get you out of this one, don't know how to get you out of this one. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 4) "Needle and Thread" by Sleeping At Last When the world welcomes us in, We're closer to Heaven than we'll ever know They say this place has changed, But strip away all of the technology And you will see That we all are hunters, Hunting for something That will make us okay. Here we lay alone In hospital beds tracing life in our heads But all that is left Is that this was our entrance and now it's our exit, As we find our way home. And all the blood and all the sweat That we invested to be loved Follows us, into our end, Where we begin to understand. We are made of love, And all the beauty stemming from it. We are made of love, And every fracture caused by the lack of it. "You were a million years of work," Said God and His angels, with needle and thread. They kissed your head and said, "You're a good kid, and you make us proud. So just give your best and the rest will come, And we'll see you soon." And all the blood and all the sweat That we invested to be loved, Follows us into our end We begin to understand Maybe Hollywood was right: When the credits have rolled and the tears have dried, And the answers that we have been dying to find Are all pieced together and, somehow, Made perfectly mine, mine, mine Made perfectly mine We are made of love, And all the beauty stemming from it. We are made of love, And every fracture caused by the lack of love. Caused by the lack of love I guess that's enough for now. Music has been, is, and always will be my outlet. I sang at my father's funeral somehow without breaking down....it was so comforting to me to know I could still sing with this broken heart, because I thought, for a few days, that I would never want to sing again. But I see now that music somehow makes me feel alive, reminds me that I'm not alone, and I know my Daddy smiles on me for loving music so much. But this all reminds me, I have one more song before I go to bed, it's the one I sang at his funeral: 5) "Someone's Wathcing Over Me" by Hilary Duff I found myself today, Oh I found myself and ran away, something pulled me back, Voice of reason I forgot I had, All I know is your not here to say, What you always used to say, But it's written in the sky tonight So I won't give up, no I won't break down, sooner than it seems life turns around, and I will be strong even if it all goes wrong, when I'm standing in the dark I'll still believe, someone's watching over me Seen that ray of light, and it's shining on my destiny shining all the time and I won't be afraid to follow everywhere it"s taking me all I know is yesterday is gone and right now I belong to this moment, to my dreams So I won't give up, no I wont' break down, sooner than it seems life turns around, and I will be strong even if it all goes wrong when I'm standing in the dark I'll still believe someone's watching over me It doesn't matter what people say and it doesn't matter how long it takes believe in yourself and you'll fly, high, and it only matters how true you are be true to yourself and follow your heart So I won't give up, no I wont' break down, sooner than it seems life turns around, and I will be strong even if it all goes wrong when I'm standing in the dark I'll still believe... That I won't give up, no I wont' break down, sooner than it seems life turns around, and I will be strong even when it all goes wrong when I'm standing in the dark I'll still believe.... that someone's watching over someone's watching over someone's watching over me ~Courtney

Interestingly enough, the last post in this thread was the day my Daddy passed away. I wouldn't normally find that "interesting" except that Chai was one of the first people whose story caught my attention because it was so similar to how I felt about my dad... Chai, when I first messaged you I mentioned that I was 20 years old and that my daddy passed away on Feb 17th of this year.... When Kathy wrote "God puts people in our path for a reason....My best support came from new friends on this journey. Even yesterday, someone (a perfect stranger) popped into my office, said "I hear you are a widow" and proceeded to telll me her story. I was dumbstruck, but didn't even ask how she had heard. She is the first person I have met face to face that lost her husband at my age and had children the same age. Random? I don't think so. Keep reaching. You will find the person/persons that will listen and it will be worth the search," I was immediately reminded of something similar that happened to me As I said, you were one of the first profiles whose story touched my heart, and I contacted you shortly after I read your story...and as I read your profile and then thought about it as I told my grandmother a few days later that I had met a girl online who was gong through a lot of the same things, I realized something very interesting.... You were born August 9th, 1988...I was born November 10th, 1988 (almost exactly 3 months apart to the day) Your father passed away on November 17th 2008....My father passes away February 17th, 2009 (3 months apart to the day) That means...that our fathers passed away on (nearly) the exact same day of our lives. I know now, why I found your story so touching. I think you were the person I was supposed to come across, that would inspire me, be someone I could share with, and help me to understand that I'm not alone. I completely love this thread you posted too, by the way, because it definitely encompasses the experience and the difficulties of talking to friends that just don't understand it very much, if at all. I am happy for you though, that on the day my father passed away, you had a positive experience to share. =) I hope that I will someday soon too. My friends, luckily, although they are not always perceptive of my sorrow, have bee as supportive as I could ask (all things considereed, you know being that they have no clue what to do or how i feel inside). I too had considered starting up an AMF group here, because just within my small group of friends alone this year, we have had 3 people have deaths of close family members (grandparents, siblings, and parents). I think it could be a very helpful and successful program and I know, I would definitely benefit from having people to talk to like I do on here, but with the extra dividend of physical closeness and being able to hug one another. It's 1:44am here right now, and I just had to get on here and post something because tonight was "one of those nights." My day started slow and a little bummed, picked up, but then around 11pm I isolated myself from my friends and went off by myself and just cried for an hour or two. I wanted to go back to them and just cry on their shoulders and let them know how I feel, but I was afraid I would ruin their good night. Hopefully it gets easier someday. Thank you for being so open to sharing your stories and your thoughts. ~Courtney

Well, as of last night it was two weeks since he passed away. Some days are good, some are bad. Right now I'm sort of peaceful. Just taking it one day at a time, and today I'm listening to "Into the West" from Lord of the Rings, because it makes me think of my Daddy when he left this world and started a new journey just like all of us who were left behind without him. If you've lost someone, I recommend that song when you are sad. Now I'm starting to deal with everything left behind...a post office box, taking my cell phone off of his plan and opening a new account, my own car insurance, trying to figure out what to do for health insurance, and the will looks as if I will be owning the house soon, which is a whole 'nother story/problem in itself....Just trying to keep breathing. I loved my Daddy so much. -Courtney

I just remembered how loud and goofy his laugh was when he would watch really dumb videos on you tube and show them to me....or when our kitties would go crazy late at night how it made him laugh....it's so hard to imagine a world without his laugh....

Thank you to both of you...I think this site is going to be such a big help...because right now even though I'm 20 years old, I feel like a little lost girl without her Daddy in a big world of strangers....This morning I woke up okay, but I'm at work on campus right now at the front desk of our building and I am really feeling the hole in my heart....It doesn't feel like today's going to be an easy day....and the weather here is resembling how I feel...dismal and dull.

Hello to anyone who is reading... I am 20 years old, a sophomore in college, and my father passed away suddenly, without warning, of cardiac arrest one week ago. I have so much more to say, but right now I'm just posting this so that anyone may respond with words of wisdom. He left 3 daughters, I'm the oldest, and my sisters are 10 years old and 3 years old. He widowed my stepmother who is 35 and not ready to be a single parent. She has been a stay at home mom for years, I'm so worried about my sisters. My parents' (meaning my father and stepmother) home life was very unstable...they were not happy together, and they could hardly afford to pay the bills. Money will not be an issue for now because of life insurance, but she will definitely have trouble snapping into super mom mode...she's never been a bad mother, but she can be slightly neglectful from time to time (even before the death of my father) and our family is hoping this will push her to be a stronger mother figure even though it will be hard for her... As for me, I'm helping her a lot with housework, the girls, and arrangements now that dad is gone (but my family fears maybe a little too much, because I haven't been giving myself enough space to grieve on my own)...Of course everyone is a little worried, and it's taking everything in my power to worry about myself and my own grief for now, rather than go try and replace my Daddy by moving off campus and moving home to take care of my baby sisters. (I am a Resident Assistant on campus, and live only 15 minutes away, so luckily I can visit, but it's so hard to try and keep going as life is normal). I was so very close to my father, even though I've been off campus for a year and half, and I wish he was here.... Anything anyone can say, whether it be about grieving, if it gets easier, the shock, the family situations deceased parents leave behind...etc...would be appreciated. Maybe later I will post something more detailed and in depth, that will give a better understanding of my family background. In many ways it seems unfair that at my age I'm forced to be so worried about my sisters and how they will be treated, and how my father's side of the family is scattered everywhere across the country, but nowhere near me. My biological mother and I are in touch, but not extremely close, she came for the funeral to support me because she loved my dad for raising me so well, but anyway...I feel stranded and alone without my Dad. I have my sisters, and they're the only blood relatives I have nearby at all....(and they are my half sisters, by the way, but we are very close) -Courtney