Gogga

Hi Kayc, Thank you so much for your reply, and for your story. I am truly sorry that you had to go through so much during your life as well. I also wonder about the 'happily ever after' part, the 'marry, get two perfect kids & be happy til the end' part. If life was only so perfect. I catch myself thinking of other men in a romantic way, though I know that once anyone would even think in that direction I would turn around & flee. I'm starting to feel extremely lonely & I know I must fight this silly feeling. After I lost my first husband I remember I also felt this around this time as well, and the first stupid man crossing my path I ended up with. Six weeks after his death I started to date another boy, moved in with him at his father's house, and stayed with him for 7 months. We were engaged to be married. I so wanted to regain what I lost that I almost made a huge mistake. But shortly after the engagement I realised that I only wanted to have my husband back, that I will make a mistake to marry him, and I broke off the engagement. After moving back to my mom's, I found myself repeatedly searching for a husband - with each friend, each date hoping it would turn into marriage. A month later I met & started dating my son's father. We were together a year when I discovered I was pregnant. It was a miracle as doctors told me previously the chance of conceiving was nil, & the chance of carrying it through was nil. (My first husband and I were trying). We decided to marry although I knew it was a mistake - I knew I was in love with him, but that I did not love him. We married (he was my second husband) and got divorsed 13 months later. He was a drug and alcohol addict, a wife beater & a lover of women. Back to mom again with my 7month old son (we only divorsed 3 months later). For 3 years I led a life I don't want to remember. I wasn't a good mom for my son, only cared about the next evening out. Having boyfriends etc. Had my heart broken a couple of times, the baddest was when the guy I was in love with eloped with my best friend. I lived with him for a while. I tried to commit suicide but mom caught on & rushed me to hospital. Long after that I met someone I were dating a while back, realised were still much in love, and moved in with him. He lived about 10 hours drive away so I never saw my son for 2 months. I realised I couldn't live without him as the boyfriend didn't want children so I went back to mom. Then I finally decided I didn't want a husband or man & I can cope on my own. That's when I met my husband. My soulmate. He caught me with telling me he only wanted friendship as we've both been through a divorse, and both had children. I didn't want him, but somehow we became friends. And somehow we became more. I learnt a love I have never known before. He spoiled me rotten. Did most of my chores at home as we were both working. We had everything as you and George - great love, great communication, tremendous faith in each other - all of it. Strange enough, I can recall my voice screaming 'No! No! Not my husband! much the same as you. It's funny how some experiences compare. He admitted that he lied when he told me he only wanted friendship in the beginning. He said he could see I had a lot of pain & that I would run if I knew he lost his heart the moment he first saw me. I miss him so much! He had been gone a month on Sunday 1st but it feels like an eternity without him. Though I can still feel his skin when I touched him, his lips when we kissed, I can still feel and remember him so clearly as if he is still here

Hi Jeanne, Thanks for your mail, I really appreciate it. Mostly I forget there are others too who share this agony and also went through practically the same. I am sorry that you never had the chance to have children, though I only have my now for over 6 years, I couldn’t have survived life without him. Especially now. I lost my father when I was 10, but God blessed me with a mom I still have, and although he is far from perfect and I even hate him sometimes – I got a stepfather who could in a way make up for mine. But until today I have not been ready to say good bye to my dad. Since my first husband died, I have made many mistakes, in my own way trying to cope. Only 6 weeks after his death I met someone new – big mistake. I moved in with the guy after a very short time – bigger mistake. It lasted 7 months. I wanted to out before that but thought my entire family was against me because of what I did. As soon as I realized I was wrong and that my mom still loved me, I broke off the engagement and moved back home. I started clubbing and doing all the wrong stuff. Later fell pregnant with my boy. Was extremely happy, but 7 months after his birth my life spiralled out of control again for no reason. I continued clubbing, leaving my son with mom most of the time. I even left him for 2 months to stay with a boyfriend 900 kilometers from home. I came back. A month before his 3rd birthday I married my hubby who changed my life and taught me how to be a mother to my son. I sincerely hope to not make the same mistake and I’m trying to keep my focus on my son. He is in any case my only reason for living. Thanks a lot for you support Please keep writing and tell me about your experience if you’d like Blessings Ebie Hi Kay, Thanks for your email, I appreciate each mail from all around. I lost my hubby 3 weeks, 5 days & 6,5 hours ago. We were married 3 years, 8 months, 9 days, 18 hours. Strange that we had our spouses the same amount of time. I’m sorry for your losses and the divorce, it is not easy. I felt exactly the same about my hubby – he was the one. The only one. Thank you for opening my mind to the cruel things people sometimes say, even though they mean well. I haven’t thought of it that way. I will try my utter best to correct them in a good way, without anger or anything. I held my little baby-girl in my arms for only one time. She didn’t make it through the pregnancy alive. It was pure agony to hold her in my arms and say good bye. I cried for days and was obsessing to replace what I have lost. I was so desperate to have a baby again that I actually had a phantom pregnancy. Hubby and I were ecstatic a few months after I lost Deidre when I started to feel pregnancy symptoms. Strangely enough, the tests were positive. The sonar showed the tiny dot. We were so happy. We told the world. When I went for my check-up 6 weeks later there was nothing. Zero. Not even traces. We were both devastated. It felt like a miscarriage. Or stillbirth. It brought all the pain back combined with a new pain. After that we stopped trying to fall pregnant. People are wrong when they say a miscarriage is no big deal. It’s a huge loss of someone you loved, wether they were born or not. But thank you for everything and please keep writing. Maybe you can tell me your story. Blessings Ebie Hi Marty, Thank you for your message, it is really appreciated. Thank you so much for your kind words of encouragement and understanding. I will have a look at the website, thank you for brining it under my attention. I really need all the help I can get at the moment. Thank you so much. Blessings Ebie

Hi Everyone, Thank you all for each and every reply, it is sincerely appreciated. It's sad to say, but it feels good to know there are other people out there who are also experiencing this pain and loss. Thank you for the advice given as well. I don't know which could be worse - spending 20/50 years with someone, your whole life & then loosing them, or spending only a short while compared to that? I don't think anybody can say. People think that because I am still so young & because I have lost a spouse befor, that it will be easier for me. They are so wrong! It only makes it harder...more unbearable...more devastating... Loosing my first husband, made me feel lost. I thought myself a character in a novel or movie or something. I missed him and it took me years to really accept the fact that he is dead and not coming back, but I have not felt this excrutiating pain and longing as I do now. I think I was in love with my first husband, but it is my late husband that I truly loved. Though I've known him short compared to some of your long marriages, I feel it to be no less painful & agonising. I was so cross, with everyone, especially God. I felt it unfair that I couldn't spend my life with him, as we planned. That I wasn't granted to grow old with him. I still feel bitter, but not so angry as I was. Sometimes people can be so blunt & unintentionally cruel. Some say I am still young, I'll get over it quickly and move on to another, find love again...What load of rubbish! When I lost my first husband, I admit, I said I'll never love again, never marry again. I did. But this time I know I won't. With my husband's body, I buried my hopes, my dreams of growing old with that someone special, of sharing all the memories with our grandchildren... Most people don't realise how blessed they are to have someone special, to grow old with them. My birthday will be in 2 weeks & 4 days & 14 hours. It will be without him. We had plans for that day. I don't know how I'll get through it. In May it would have been our 4th anniversary. I already planned it. I would have surprised him with a seafood reservation as he loved seafood and we have never gone out for seafood before. It would have been so special. Every different anniversary date brings back painful & happy memories. The day we met, our first coffee, our first kiss, our first date...It's ripping me apart! And to think I wanted nothing to do with him when we met! It's such a beautiful story, but ended quite sad though. I never thought this could happen again. I thought we would last forever. I miss him so much it hurts!!!

I'm turning 29 in less than 3 weeks and have been widowed twice. I don't understand. My first husband passed away when I was 20, after 3 years of marriage. Suddenly. Car Accident. It took me 7 years to really accept the fact and to let him go. I met my last husband at the age of 25, and lost my heart completely. In that same year I fell pregnant but lost a baby girl. I lost her, but I still had him. He comforted me. There was hope for another. Now he's gone. No one to really comfort me. He died suddenly after an appendix operation. Just stopped breathing. They don't know why. I don't know why. Losing my first husband was bad, but I had another chance to be happy. My last husband was the love of my life, that once in a lifetime mature love that keeps on forever. Every day, every breath is hell without him! I can't accept the fact that he is gone! I can't live without him! The pain is killing me slowly, day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute... I don't know what to do!!!