arcticandy

Thank you Laurie, your words touch my heart. Perhaps this pain we share, between ourselves and the others on this forum, is a bond of sorts. If you want to talk about anything at all let me know. Talking is the soul's medicine. Bless you for your reply.

Last night my wife lost her fight for life. Over the past few years we've been struggling to get doctors to listen and take care of her, each of them coming up empty with reasons for her chest pain and sometimes lethally high blood pressure. Last night I feel the blood pressure finally caused the stroke I've been fearing for so long. Although I have not yet been given an answer, it's the only one that makes sense. I left the room for a few seconds, calling the dog for a walk off the bed. She had been laying next to my wife, head on her lap as she had taken to doing over the last year. I returned to our room to ask if my Gina knew where the lead was and found her unconscious. I tried to revive her, called 911 immediately, moved her to the floor as instructed to give CPR. I fought to keep going, waiting for the ambulance, which arrived faster than I would have believed possible. I feel disgusted with myself. She was snoring, albeit without response to my calls or touch, but after moving her she stopped breathing. I still wonder if that move was the mistake that cost her life. Was it the dog jumping when I called her? Was she feeling that chest pain that doctors time and time again said wasn't life threatening, lulling us into a false belief we could ignore it? Well they restarted her heart in the house and moved her to the ambulance which took a lifetime to reach the hospital, where the doctors and nurses revived her breathing and her heart as I sat outside waiting. I went from hope to despair, hope to despair as I heard them say she was revived and functioning on her own, only to hear the CPR resume a few minutes later. I sat as the doctor came and told me they had her stable but that the situation was extremely dangerous. Sure enough her heart gave out again and despite well over 30 minutes of CPR and every drug they could give, over and over again, it would not start. 45 minutes had passed with the CPR still going when they asked me to come in and hold her hand, to say goodbye. My two, poor, wonderful step children waited, without knowledge and in fear and finally I forced myself to take each one into the room and tell them the news. She passed at 12:31am 12/08/2009. The day the world lost all its beauty and the day my life stopped. Today I have been making the most difficult phone calls of my life, informing her parents for whom this is the second daughter lost in just over a year. My Gina's sister died in a commuter train crash last year in LA, her family barely coming to terms with that loss. I spoke to the friends I could bring myself to call, friends who loved Gina for the help she gave them during their own crisis and tragedies. Gina ran a small daycare, often taking children in over night for no pay for single parents forced to work those hours. She helped grieving friends with their own losses, sick friends with their illness and still had the strength to run our household. She gave everything she had to everyone who needed. Now the Christmas cards and gifts already mailed by friends and relatives will start to arrive, tearing down our lives again as we gratefully and tearfully accept each one. Friends are gathering to help me, to comfort myself and those wonderful boys who have lost their mother. Eleven glorious and wonderful years of marriage Gina gave to me. We had very few fights and still carried an unending love for each other, never waning from the first day to last. We had extraordinary adventures, to Maui, to France, to England my home country, to California where she grew up, to Vegas for countless visits to her parents including this Thanks Giving. We saw awesome sights, dolphins and whales, the Northern Lights and spectacular sunsets. I have a billion treasured memories which I pray will help myself and my boys come to terms with our loss. I'm doing what I can to answer their questions, to be strong for them, to make sure they don't feel abandoned and lost. I won't be successful, but together we will survive each day, each week, each month and each year. My wife often spoke of writing our story, from the first days of talking across oceans to the meeting in Anchorage and the sweet bliss of a wedding only a few months later. Funny stories, sad stories and even exciting stories. All three of us survivors have been through this before, for me 15 years ago with my father, for them 13 years ago with theirs. So we have the tools to keep going, even though this loss is a million times worse with grief lasting a million days longer. My wife has been ill for a long time and joked that blond bimbos would be lining up for me once she passed. I told her then what I know now. Never. I have had the love of my life and I need no other. I've known this since the first day and nothing has changed. Some might think this is too soon to say never, but I know I can not. I don't need it, don't want it and will stay true to my wife until my own passing.