My daddy died March 22, 2006 at 10:47 P.M. I keep seeing his last moments replaying in my head like a movie that rewinds by itself. I hear his last breath and the sound of his heart as it slowed down to nothing. I hugged him and rested my head on his chest like I did when I was little because I knew it would be the last time. I'm 39 yrs. old. Why do I feel like he abandoned me all over again? Why do I feel like a lost little girl? Aren't I to old to be feeling this way? This is supposed to be a normal part of life. We are supposed to lose our parents, right? Why do I feel like I can't breath sometimes when I think of him and why do I feel so cold lately? I don't want to be out in public or even talk on the phone. I don't want to hear, "He's in a better place." Or "He wouldn't want you to be sad." Or "How are you doing, sweety?" With that pathetic look on their face. I don't even know why I feel so angry sometimes. Is this normal? Sometimes I'll be sitting down watching t.v. because I ran out of things to clean, wash, or anything to keep me busy and that image appears in my mind again. I start to cry and my husband (who lost his father in Nov. 04) asks me "What's wrong?" What the hell do you mean 'what's wrong?' It's only been 2 weeks since my father left. Am I not supposed to grieve for more than 2 weeks? I feel so lost. I don't even know what to do with myself besides clean what's already clean. I feel like I'm losing my mind. I can't concentrate. I can't sleep, or eat. I just don't know what to do with myself. I miss my Daddy so much it literally causes pain in my heart. When will this pain stop? Or at least lessen to a degree that I can start to function normally again.
