Jae

My daddy died March 22, 2006 at 10:47 P.M. I keep seeing his last moments replaying in my head like a movie that rewinds by itself. I hear his last breath and the sound of his heart as it slowed down to nothing. I hugged him and rested my head on his chest like I did when I was little because I knew it would be the last time.

I'm 39 yrs. old. Why do I feel like he abandoned me all over again? Why do I feel like a lost little girl? Aren't I to old to be feeling this way? This is supposed to be a normal part of life. We are supposed to lose our parents, right? Why do I feel like I can't breath sometimes when I think of him and why do I feel so cold lately?

I don't want to be out in public or even talk on the phone. I don't want to hear, "He's in a better place." Or "He wouldn't want you to be sad." Or "How are you doing, sweety?" With that pathetic look on their face. I don't even know why I feel so angry sometimes. Is this normal?

Sometimes I'll be sitting down watching t.v. because I ran out of things to clean, wash, or anything to keep me busy and that image appears in my mind again. I start to cry and my husband (who lost his father in Nov. 04) asks me "What's wrong?" What the hell do you mean 'what's wrong?' It's only been 2 weeks since my father left. Am I not supposed to grieve for more than 2 weeks? I feel so lost. I don't even know what to do with myself besides clean what's already clean. I feel like I'm losing my mind. I can't concentrate. I can't sleep, or eat. I just don't know what to do with myself. I miss my Daddy so much it literally causes pain in my heart. When will this pain stop? Or at least lessen to a degree that I can start to function normally again.

I believe it's normal to feel the need for revenge anytime you experience trauma at the hands of another person. Just don't act on those feelings no matter how strong they are.