MidnightRhapsody

In the span of one year (September 2002 - September 2003) I lost my father to cancer and my wife to divorce. I honestly cannot tell you which is more painful, but I think as humans we are built to deal with each differently. I grieve for my father all the time, but I also know he is out of pain and in a better place. I was with him when he died and so I had the blessed opportunity to say goodbye and tell him how much I loved him. The loss of my wife, whom I lost to another man after 6 years of marriage, was much different to deal with. I have no funeral or ritual in which I can say my goodbyes. I cannot bury her and know that she "is in a better place." I miss her horribly every day and yet I am torn apart by what she did to me. She would not even let me hug her goodbye because "it hurt her too much" and so I have no closure from the one person I would have died for. For me, no one loss is easier or more difficult than the other. I just know that each was in my life for a time and touched me deeply in their own ways. I will miss and love them both always, but I think that part of the healing process involves being able to take care of oneself. I am blessed to have known them both. Thank you all for all of your sharing. I learn something from each one of you.

Well, I suppose I have been guided to the right path! I am in a unique position in that I moved away from all of my family and friends to be near my wife 5 years ago. While my family is not terribly far, they are not right there to drop in on for support. Recognizing this, as well as my desire to stay in an area I adore, I had a decision to make. I chose to stay in my "home." I faced days and nights of true solitude, and so I decided I needed to start taking care of three areas of my life that would be feeling the emptiness the most; my spirituality, my physical well-being, and my mental health. I started attending church again and have found tremendous support for my spiritual needs there. I began writing again after a 3 year hiatus, and that is taking care of my mental well being. And I got back to the gym and started eating the way I had always eaten before my marriage -- very healthfully. I am now 80 pounds lighter and very happy with my physical well being. I mention all of this because despite the floundering I feel like I am doing almost hourly, if there is any advice I can pass on to ANYONE who might be going through something similar, it is to follow your advice to focus on one's own needs. And for me, this is the first time EVER I have been able to do it. I miss my wife terribly and the hole feels raw and exposed every day. But I am surviving and I am learning about how atrong a person I really am. Thank you for your advice. It means so much and I am so very grateful! Matt

Thank you Steve. I thought I was going crazy. I had been doing so well the past few weeks and all of a sudden I became overwhelmed with sadness again. I think it is the acknowledgement of the loss. As much as I told myself I was moving on and forward, a small part of me was holding on even if I was unaware of it. I suppose I am doing the right thing. When I feel sad, I cry and let myself feel it realizing it has to pass at some point, which it always does. At the heart of deepest sadness, I am so very thankful at the same time I am weeping for the loss. Some people never get to taste love, but I was blessed and had it in abundance. It is gone now, but I don't think anyone who is given the immense capacity to love this deeply is destined to be without it forever. I remain optimistic that I will always have love in family, friends, and a future. Thank you again for your advice and kind words! Matt

My name is Matt, and two months ago my wife of 5 years came to me out of the blue and asked me for a divorce. To make a long and painful story short, she had been seeing another man and in the time since discovering this I have found out our entire relationship was one lie after another. I feel foolish, naive, weak, and sad. I am an intelligent, attractive, passionate, funny, 32 year old and yet I find myself sobbing at times for this loss. I am deeply spiritual, and have found much comfort in my faith. But I just don't know how to let go. Every sign is pointing to the fact that I have really lost nothing, but instead have been given the chance to greatly improve my health and over all well being. I feel so weak looking at the deeply moving stories the rest of you have published here. Deaths and marriages much longer than mine abound. I realize the significance of loss is a deeply personal thing, but I feel irrational and so very foolish. My wife was my dream come true. I can remember nights when I would simply watch her sleep and thank God for this precious gift. The sight of her sleeping brought me joy because I felt like I was watching over her and could protect her from the outside world. She never needed rescuing, it was merely a tender feeling I cherished and miss so very much. I miss holding her close and placing my head against her chest to listen to her heart beat. It was in those moments I could hear eternity and feel my soul connecting with the divine. The mornings and evenings are the worst. I loved that I would wake up with her face as my dawn, and fall asleep with her in my arms. I have always been a passionate and romantic soul, but now I curse my heart because it just refuses to let go and I am finding it hard to move on. I have made so many improvements in my life and overall I am very happy. But I feel shackled by these deeply buried feelings of attachment. I know there is no quick fix, but it feels good to get it out. Thank you for listening (or reading as the case may be). I shall keep all of you in my continued prayers! Matt