beautifulmistakes

I wish I could say I knew how you felt, but I don't as far as getting married. I have chosen not to marry and have not had to think about it. I love my father but do not like him much (long story) but I know that it is one of the biggest parts of the wedding and will be so hard for you. What about a male who you love like a father? maybe an Uncle or a close friend etc. Maybe ask them to wear the cologne that reminds you of him.

I think Feathers in your bouquet could be cool to represent the feathers from his new found angel wings. I have put together something that I give to people that has a little saying that goes as follows:

"As my soul takes flight on new found wings, I have shed a feather to wipe away your tears of grief and sadness and share with you that death does not end life, it only changes form. I will still be with you through all the difficult times as well as the celebrations".

With this in scroll form, I include a feather. Baby Blue for Boys, Baby Pink for Girls and whatever color best represents the person. Mostly White, but can be any color.

So, maybe if you think of that, maybe you can spread white feathers instead of rose pedals.

Don't know, just trying to think of a way for you to feel his closeness on that special day. My heart breaks for you, a loss that big is so hard let alone to have to plan such an important event that he would have been such a huge part of, but he still can be. Hope maybe this combined with some of the other awesome ideas from others you can create something incredible and feel him with you the whole day.

(((HUGS)))

EVERYTHING now must be overwhelming to you, I know my Dad after losing my Mom 1 1/2 years ago, still finds the smallest things overwhelming. He almost is angry if we show up and stay too long. He just wants to be alone. Some time alone is needed, I need that myself as I miss her and granny sooooooooooooooooooooooooo much.

You mentioned that they have a place they could stay. Is there anyway they might be able to go there 3 or 4 days a week and then spend the other days with you. Gives you both a break and yet the support you need. Its so hard dealing with grief and so many in the house because you all deal with the grief differently. Some need people, others need solitude. I wish I had answers for you. Maybe just tell them how much you love and appreciate them being there during such a difficult time but you also need some quite time to sit and just be with your grief to process it. Sometimes I just want to sit and cry and I don't want somebody trying to fix me, I can't be fixed. I have to just lean into the grief as much as I can and when it gets to much, back out for awhile.

I don't, I just know your heart needs some you time. I bet your kids would understand that.

I dont know if it would be a HUGE inconvenience to go back and forth between places or not, but maybe they just leave the bear minimum with you so that its not so hard.

Anyway, thoughts and prayers with you. Just know you have the right to do what you need to do for YOU and hopefully there will be no hard feelings.

Kathy

Shelly, go check out the "Mourners Bill of Rights"

What is wrong with people who think we should hide our grief and pain. Seriously.

You mourn however you want and take your journey to any where you want. They

can take their own and see as Dr. Phil says, "hows that working for you"

You have lost your foundation, I think its worth a few tears.

I am here if you need to be reminded its ok.

Thank you so much fo taking the time to tell me your story. It always helps to hear that somebody else has been there, done that. I am just soooooo tired and feel so drained that there is a lot of guilt that I dont have the energy to keep going through this. I am still grieving so much with the losses of the past year and half and I am angry at him for creating the situation that makes me feel like I have to fix it. Thats what we Women did in our famiy. Now there is only myself and really, my other brother and my dad, just are not about to try anything, its too hard. Well, they think this is hard, how hard will it be when we have to put him next to my Mom and Little brother. I guess i truly need to let go and let this be his journey and if his journey is down a road I dont like, its not my choice. He is just the greatest, kindest heart brother but his coping skills have always been pretend its o.k. He was only 14 when my little brother died and I truly believe that is when this pattern started and has never been dealt with. We did not deal with his death because it was too hard on my dad......so we just didnt talk about it and we didnt get to express our loss and saddness so therefore, he turned to drinking and has never stopped. There is so much damage done from when he died that unfortuately, created life long issues all because my Father was so selfish, his grief was all that mattered. He even told a counselor that I had to see like 15 years after because of the saddness, that he would not talk about it, even if it helped me because it was his grief and nobody elses business. Not even when we directly asked for help, he wasnt willing to do it for us, it has always been about him. He never cared how deeply we were hurting, just like now with my Mom and Granny and Uncle. Nobodys grief could compare to his, so again, we dont talk about it. So, my brother crawls into the bottle.

Anyway, it means the world to me that somebody took time to care that I am hurting so much and remind me that I can not fix it, it is not mine to fix.

I am so sorry for your loss of your husband at such a young age. I can't wait to hear Gods explanation for why we had to suffer through this.

(((Hugs)))

Kathy

All I can say is, nobody can understand the grief of the loss of a beloved pet unless you are a animal lover. My 12 year old, deaf, epileptic, arthritic, obsessive compulsive Cocker Spaniel is my heart, without him, I could not have survived the loss of my my dear Granny and Mom. My Father does not get it at all, but my dog has been there for me more than my father EVER has. He has helped me through dealing with trying to be a good daughter and going to sit with my Dad knowing I want to slit my wrist by the time I leave him. He is EVERYTHING to me and he is probably not long for this world and I am so scared.

the guy I work with, says just go get another one, its part of life. WHAT THE HELL, you're right it is, but its like saying go get a new Mom to those of us who depend on them for the love and comfort we dont get anywhere else.

My point is, my heart hurts for you, I know that the ache is deep and people don't allow you to grieve them like they would a human loved one........its not fair, they are better than a lot of the humans I deal with day to day.

I created a business that helps grieve lost ones and my one for pets is really popular because we do love them so deeply, so you are not alone, see that in my business because people spend as much on a memorial fr their pet as they do human loved ones. That says a lot about how many people need their furry friends and ache when they are gone.

I just think that God messed up on the time frame for their lives, we shouldnt have to grieve them so soon 12-15 years usually, wish they were around as long as we were.

My heart is with each and every one of you because I understand I love my Baby....

My family has lost 4 very dear members of our family in the last 1 1/2 years. First My Aunt in March 08, then my Granny May 08 and then my Mom Aug 08 and finally my Favorite amazing Uncle Dec 09 (unexpectedly) . We also have basically suffered the loss of family as we know it as my Father has just fallen apart and has made this a very difficult situation for all of us.

But the hardest part is watching my older brother who has been an alcoholic for most of his adult life, say that "Hey, they are in a better place and I am not sad" They lived a good life...blah blah blah, but since my Moms passing, he has basically crawled inside the bottle and set up camp there. He tells us hes not drinking but lets just say, we know better. I am soooo afraid he is killing himself, he keeps saying he can get sober on his own and doesnt need help. AA is for idiots, he knows all the answers and its a waste of his time. He shows up to AA meetings on ocassion but usually drunk and thinks that its ok as long as he goes once in a while.

He thinks he is the "Patriarch" of the family now but my father wanted me as POA because he is afraid my brother will die before him and if he doesn't, he wont be sober or capable of handling things. In the 3 years of my Moms stroke and downhill spiral, my brother who lives 30 minutes tops with traffic, never showed up to just spend time with her or my Dad. He would come if we had a "Family" get together and we were all there, but never once went down and just sat with Mom. I spent 3-4 nights a week going over and feeding her and giving her foot rubs and forehead rubs (she LOVED those), but he never once did.

I am angry because I took care of my Dad and my Mom for those 3 years, now that my dad is falling apart and very hard to be around, its his responsiblity and he thinks calling him 2 nights a week, that is enough.

Anyway, I am rambling, but I am scared of of my gord that I am going to lose him and my Dad within the year and I just don't know how I can deal with that. I already feel I have no foundation or anything to look forward to as my female support is gone and guys just dont get it, especially when they are drunk. My Dad drinks a lot also, although not near like my brother. I am in constant fear of another phone call and I live in anxiety state.

I know he has to help himself, but he is hurting all of us and just says, thats stupid.

thanks for listening, theres nobody else, my friends have lifes of their own and just want me to be my old self, won't really let me talk about my sadness and fears and not to mention I no longer really have a family foundation.

any advise would be great.

Kathy

I am so sorry , what a sad loss for you. Lean into your husband, let him help. I know that can't replace your mothers love, believe me, I know. When I lost my Mom and Granny within 2 months of each other in 2008,they were the last of the females in my family that I feel close to. Now, I am so alone. I have 2 brothers and a Dad who thinks his grief is the only one that matters and we are all just burdnes to him. But I am so lost without them, I miss them everyday and cry so many nights. I wish I had somebody who cared how I was feeling, who tried to make me feel better, but I don't. I made the choice many years ago to never marry or have children and I never regretted it until now when I have nobody who understands or cares about me. Its weird, at 50, I still want my mommy when I am sick or I want to call her to tell her of an accomplishment and hear her pride and love for me, but that is no longer in my life. I know you are hurting and you will for a very long time, your life is forever changed. But hold on to those who care that you are hurting and who want to love you through it. Don't let anybody tell you its time to be o.k. When you are blessed with that baby (I believe you will be, your mother will make sure of it) tell her EVERYTHING EVERYDAY about her/his amazing grandmother. She/he is probably getting to know her grandbaby right now and telling them all your little secrets.

You will see your mother in your babys eyes.....hold tight to that and be open to it.

Best of wishes and I hope you get to meet that little bundle of joy soon.

Kathy

Bell, I posted this on another part of this site, but it almost gives you permission, which for some reason, we feel we need, to grieve as long and as hard as you need.

My Granny and Mother,my 2 biggest supporters, died within 2 1/2 months of each other a year and a half ago and I still cry myself to sleep. I will probably continue to do so as I have no females in my family left to turn to, so I cry. Don't let others tell you how to feel.....hopefully this helps a little and chin up.

Mourner's Bill of Rights

Mourner's Bill of Rights

Though you should reach out to others as you journey through grief, you should not feel obligated to accept the unhelpful responses you may receive from some people. You are the one who is grieving, and as such, you have certain "rights" no one should try to take away from you.

The following list is intended both to empower you to heal and to decide how others can and cannot help. This is not to discourage you from reaching out to others for help, but rather to assist you in distinguishing useful responses from hurtful ones.

1. You have the right to experience your own unique grief. No one else will grieved in exactly the same way you do. So, when you turn to others for help, don't allow them to tell what you should or should not be feeling.

2. You have the right to talk about your grief. Talking about your grief will help you heal. Seek out others who will allow you to talk as much as you want, as often as you want, about your grief. If at times you don't feel like talking, you also have the right to be silent.

3. You have the right to feel a multitude of emotions. Confusion, disorientation, fear, guilt and relief are just a few of the emotions you might feel as part of your grief journey. Others may try to tell you that feeling angry, for example , is wrong. Don't take these judgmental responses to heart. Instead, find listeners who will accept your feelings without condition.

4. You have the right to be tolerant of your physical and emotional limits. Your feelings of loss and sadness will probably leave you feeling fatigued. Respect what your body and mind are telling you. Get daily rest. Eat balanced meals. And don't allow others to push you into doing things you don't feel ready to do.

5. You have the right to experience "griefbursts" Sometimes, out of nowhere, a powerful surge of grief may overcome you. This can be frightening, but it is normal and natural. Find someone who understands and will let you talk it out.

6. You have the right to make use of ritual. The funeral ritual does more than acknowledge the death of someone loved. It helps provide you with the support of caring people. More important, the funeral is a way for you to mourn. If others tell you the funeral or other healing rituals such as these are silly or unnecessary, don't listen.

7. You have the right to embrace your spirituality. If faith is a part of your life, express it in ways that seem appropriate to you. Allow yourself to be around people who understand and support your religious beliefs. If you feel angry at God, find someone to talk with who won't be critical of your feelings of hurt and abandonment.

8. You have the right to search for meaning. You may find yourself asking, "Why did he or she die? Why this way? Why now? Somfe of your questions may have answers, but some may not. And watch out for the cliched responses some people may give you. Comments like, "It was God's will" or "Think of what you still have to be thankful for" are not helpful and you do not have to accept them.

9. You have the right to treasure your memories. Memories are one of the best legacies that exist after the death of someone loved. You will always remember. Instead of ignoring your memories, find others with whom you can share them.

10. You have the right to move toward your grief and heal. Reconciling your grief will NOT happen quickly. Remember, grief is best experienced in "doses." Be patient and tolerant with yourself and avoid people who are impatient and intolerant with you. Neither you nor those around you must forget that the death of someone loved changes your life forever.

[source: The Wilderness of Grief, Finding Your Way, by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D]

No my dear, you are not "selfish" in feeling as you do ~ you're simply being honest with yourself and with us about the way you do feel. It seems to me that what really matters here is how you behaved toward your bereaved friend, in spite of how you are feeling. It is very, very difficult to "be there" for another mourner when we are in the fresh throes of grief ourselves. At such times it can be very hard to distinguish whose grief we're dealing with ~ theirs or our own. You are to be commended for being there for your friend when she needed your support.

It's sad that your other friends are treating you as if your friend's pain is somehow more important or more significant than your own, and you have every right to feel hurt about that. In his wonderful book A Grief Disguised: How the Soul Grows through Loss, author Jerry Sittser observes,

"I question whether experiences of such severe loss can be quantified and compared. Loss is loss, whatever the circumstances. All losses are bad, only bad in different ways. No two losses are ever the same. Each loss stands on its own and inflicts a unique kind of pain. What makes each loss so catastrophic is its devastating, cumulative, and irreversible nature . . . So whose loss is worse, hers or mine? It is impossible to give an answer. Both are bad, but bad in different ways" (pp. 33-34).

You may find this post helpful: Comparing Our Losses

Thank you thank you thank you......I know that loss is loss and nobody's is less or more important. I hope I did not sound like I am trying to compare my loss, just was hoping to have it acknowledge. Would I trade her places? no way, and she had already lost both her Mom and Dad. She has suffered so much loss, yet is such an amazing woman. I was not trying to discount hers or anybody elses loss. It is our own journey and you truly can not compare losses. for some of us, our pets are our children, the pain of their loss is as deep as somebody who loses a human child. Others think we are insane and need professional help because we feel that way. We all need to be better about being o.k. in our own grief, lean into it and know that it is all loss and experience it our own way and don't try to compare it. Its like comparing apples to a new sweater, you just can't do it. One thing we ALL want is just permission to feel and work through it at our own pace and know that they don't give up on us.

Thanks again, I really appreciated the link about comparisons.....perspective is an awesome gift.

I hope that it's not a matter of "more important" or "less important" with your friends. It sounds like maybe it's a matter of "more understandable." Without minimizing your loss (I just lost my mom two months ago... so believe me, I know just how deeply devastating it is), I think people respond to the idea of losing a child in a way they don't when it's an elder (mother, grandparent, uncle) - it's just NOT a thing people expect to experience, the loss of a child... whereas on some level we all understand that death will happen, eventually, within our family, and likely first among the older members. And with the "allotment" of mourning time you're given, people just assume that the death of adults is just a little more emotionally digestible. Like if it's a child it will ruin you for years, but if it's a parent you only get to wallow for a certain time.

I'm struggling with my "allotted" time already, just two months in... one of my best friends unloaded on me the other day about why I'm not there for her various life activities. Someone who should realize I've always been there before - and that if I'm not there now, it's just because I'm not able. But life goes on - faster for those who aren't grieving. When they aren't living your loneliness and sadness of course it's less tangible to them. Does that hurt? Of course - I feel very abandoned. And yet I understand, because I know I've had friends who lost a parent or grandparent, and I felt bad for them... and then I went on to other things. Even though our lives are so incredibly saturated from our perspectives, others only have a tiny little window into them (even when you try to share, they still aren't in your head and heart with you).

I hope you will forgive your friends for abandoning you in your time of need. It may help to let them know, separately from your friend who lost her child, how sad you still are and how you hope you are still in their hearts - let them know you need their love even now. If they hear you, they will give you what you need, even if it is spread around a bit. And if they don't hear you... well, that's worth learning too so that you know what your options are when you do need a lift.

I hope this won't sound sick, but perhaps the death of your friend's child will be something of a minor blessing - perhaps it will bring you closer to the parents, or perhaps it will help you put to rest the sadness you've been carrying around by being able to look at and help carry someone else's sadness (I know I tend to get really, really, really mired in my own loss). You sound like you have been a wonderful friend to a grieving mother, and no doubt that is in part due to your recent experience with death. If there is to be meaning in such losses, then hopefully we will find it among the living.

My best to you, and to your friend. I hope that you find peace eventually. I'm hoping that for everyone on this site, including myself. I want very much for our losses to matter.

I so know you are right and I appreciate your perspective. I constantly have to remind myself that it was ME who lost a loved one, not them and although they try to be there as much as possible, they have loved ones of their own and day to day things. When my friends have lost loved ones, I am there for them but not in the way I for some unknown reason, want them there for me. We all agree that we are not rational during grief. It did help me to be there for her. I lost a little brother when I was young and was able to give her a perspective from her other children that was very important. It helps to feel like you can help others, I guess I just want them to know I still am missing them. Probably am more grieving the complete 180 my life has taken as NOTHING is the same. We (my 2 brothers and Dad) have not celebrated the last 2 Christmas's and my MOM would hate that. I need somebody to talk to who things I ROCK, but she is gone and for now, there is nobody else who can make me feel that way. So, I am just trying to grasp any straw and explain to my friends that is it more than my Moms death, it is the drastic change to my life and no real reason to exist.

So, thanks so much for responding and taking them time to put things in perspective. What a great place to begin to heal.

Its so hard to grieve and have people understand the time it takes, but how do you reach out for help when a dear friend loses a 2 1/2 year old child 5 months after I lose my Mom & Granny? Nobody should have to bury a child, nobody, but life does not play fair. I was needing so much from my friends still at 5 months, almost more since things were starting to hit me that my Mom and Granny were gone for good. My cirlce of friends are all pretty much the same and so when my friends little angel died unexpectedly, it was like my grief was not as deep or as important, so therefore, I started to feel like I needed to take it inside and deal with it alone. Don't get me wrong, my heart was aching for my friend, I was there for her for a week without leaving her side, still feeling the pain from my own loss and trying to help her with hers.

But everybody started treating me like her pain was so much more important than mine and they are there for her for each milestone, like her birthday or christmas or the year anniversary. All of these things went unnoticed by my friends for my Mom.

I know thier lives are busy and crazy and they are not stuck in the pain of the loss, but how do I not feel hurt that my pain was not important? I recently also lost my moms younger brother(my favorite Uncle who could make family issues bearable) at Christmas and it was like it was not a big deal. The guys I work for told me "its part of life" you have to just deal with it......augggggggghhhhhh.

Anyway, am I so selfish that I feel abandoned by a "More Important" loss?

Well, I took you both for granted for so long and just assumed you would always be there for me, because, well, its about me, right? You always put everybody before yourselves. I only hope you know that even when I was a brat (which was often) I loved you both so much, and still carry you in my heart everyday.

I can not make it up to you but I have started a business in your honor (www.whisperingwingschimes.com) and hope that others find some peace from it, as you were always trying to make others feel better.

I wrote the following poem was in your honor and the premise of the business. Both of you always loved the simple things and beautiful sounds. The wind chime I have created for you. Each time I hear the sound of a wind chime, I think of you close by, making that just for me, cause, well, its all about me....

" I will always be with you

though your eyes may not see

You will know that I am near

When my wings create a breeze" ©

I love you and miss you both so much....you were my borrowed angels.

I am so sorry that you are having such a tough time. I lost my Mom and Granny a little over a 1 1/2 years and I still miss them both every day. Unfortuately, I do not have the type of relationship with my Father that you have but I do know the loss. My problem is I am right here with my family and it's like I might as well be in another country. Mom was the glue and now we are kind of coming apart.

I do not have a husband or kids to turn to so I am really glad you have a husband who is so understanding. I know it doesnt always help, but at least he tries and you still have a foundation, build on that. Its weird that even though we are adults, we still want our mommies and daddies. Couldnt wait to get out of the house and now I would give anything to have even one more hour with her. I will be 50 in a couple of months and I still feel like a little girl missing her mom. I am sure that is what you feel for your Dad.

If you need anybody directly to talk to, you can always email me. I don't have any females in my family to understand how I am feeling and maybe we can support each other.

My thoughts are with you as you deal with the year anniversary. It helped me to write my mom a letter, put it inside a balloon and release it to her. Maybe it can help you.

Hugs from Utah, hang in there and lean into your husband.

Dear James, thanks so much for taking time to give me some perspective on a male point of view. I sometimes really get caught up in the fact that my Dad and Brothers do not greive like I do, or miss my Mom in the same way I do. Its really hard sometimes to allow people to grieve in their own way, right or wrong and really, who can say its wrong? Certainly not me. I just keep looking for some sort of comfort from my father that he is not capable of giving, never really has been, so I have to find a way to make peace with that.

I have not had the time or he means for counseling but I am hoping I can find some comfort here. Its hard when everybodys life around you goes on and your world stops. I find myself angry at my friends because they are not there for me, but in all reality, they just have lifes of their own and do not know I am still suffering.

This should be a good outlet for these emotions and caring people like you.

(((Hugs)))

Kathy

I am so grateful for all your responses and encouragement. It helps to know that its o.k. to still be sad. I think the real hard part is dealing with my father and his moods. People keep telling me that I dont have to suject myself to his abusive treatment but I just fear losing him and feeling guilt over not being there. Guilt is a very powerful emotion. Also, grieving at different paces makes it hard. My brother says he knows her and granny are happy being together, and he is o.k. with it all, yet, he drinks EVERY night until he passes out and starts again the next morning. Keeps him numb from really feeling the loss. He never spent time with my Mom during her 2 1/2 years after her stroke. He said it was too hard but we all did it. He only came down when we had family get togethers, he never sat with her and just talked to her. But, I digress.

I have really been there for my father and since he cant be there for me, I need to find a way to distance myself for my own mental health while still trying to be somewhat present for him. I promised my Mom the night before she died that it was O.K. to go if she was in so much pain and the "We" would take care of Dad. So, I feel like I have to take the abuse and just remember he is getting old and missing his life long love and best friend.

I wish he could see that he still has 3 kids and 2 AMAZING grand daughters but he just pushes us all away and says he has nothing to live for.

Anyway, thanks so much for all your support, maybe I will find some sense of belonging and a new foundation with all of you who feel the same ache and pain while learning to love life again.

Everybody wants me to just be O.K. I have no where to turn and am sick of trying to be there for everybody else and nobody i there for me. I am the strong one and don't need anybody......not. My father whom I know is also still grieving does not care AT ALL about what or how we are feeling. We couldnt have possibly loved her like he did. What a load of crap. Sorry, but I am so angry at him for not caring about what we are going through. He did the same thing when my little brother (5 years old) died and I was 12. He checked out and let my Mom deal with all the hard stuff. He is so angry and bitter and I try to be there for him, but every time I leave the house, I am extremly depressed and don't want to go back. I love him, but do not like him very much.

I miss my Mom and my Granny more than I can say. I am the only woman in the family now and men just don't get it. Its a year and 1/2 ago I lost them both within months of each other but I feel the pain a much today if not more than then. Nothing, Nothing is the same. I have NOBODY to turn to, i feel lost and afloat, no real reason to exisit. I know its the depression talking but I am watching my baby (cocker spaniel) fighting to stick around and it is breaking my heart. He is the ONLY thing that got me through when my Mom was sick and after she died. My Father is pretty much usless and hates my dog. Says its just a dog.

Sorry, so much hurt and anger and no where to go with it. I am suppose to be able to turn to the rest of my family, but not a choice. How do I do it, where do I turn when I need somebody? I am single and never married and dont have a family foundation of my own.

help...

I am so sorry, I can't not believe there is somebody out there who is feeling almost exactly like I am. I lost my Grandmother at the end of May in 08 and then my mom on the 8th of Aug. It has been a year and 1/2 and I still have so much ache in my heart. I have a very turbulent relationship with my Father, although I was there for him during the whole time my Mom was ill. I was the one he called at 2 AM if he needed something, I was the one who took care of her while he was in the hospital, but now, he acts like I don't exist. Invites my brothers over but forgets me.

Its not so much that I care, but there is nobody out there to care for me like my Granny and Mama did. She thougth I could do anything, my father, thinks I can't do anything right.

I am so scared that after 1 1/2 years I am still in so much pain from there absence. People think I should be over it, they dont realize I havent been able to grieve just for myself because I was so busy taking care of my Dad and my brother, who has gone of the deep end drinking. Then to make matters worse, my favorite Uncle, my moms little brother died unexpectedly on Dec 20th of this year. My whole foundation is shaky. I am not married and have no children. I do have 2 incredible neices but they are at that age away at college and I in a way mourn them as they are no longer there like they use to be.

Anyway, just want you to know that yo are not alone and I hate to tell you, it doesnt get any easier any time soon.

Hard part is, nobody to talk to cause they all think I should be over it....... P.S. write her letter and put it in a balloon and release it on Mothers Day, it helps a little.