nwnightowl

Hi Kat,

I am so sorry for your loss. If you want some company in misery world I am right there with you. 15 weeks ago today my Harley passed away and I have been devestated. It is so hard to loss a 4 legged companion. I am sorry you are dealing with multiple losses. There are some great people and ideas and thoughts on these message boards so you have come to the right place. I wish I had something to say that would make it easier, but I know there isn't anything. Hang in there, I hope you find a small amount of peace in the coming weeks. Big hugs your way, Elizabeth

Today it has been 12 weeks since my little Harley died and I struggle every day. I miss him so much there aren't words to describe it. He was such a huge part of my life. One of his human family members died recently, I never thought I would be jealous of a dead person, but now he gets to be with Harley. I don't know why life has to be such a struggle. Harley should still be here it isn't fair. I know no one ever said life would be fair, I feel like I am just surviving, marking off days in a prison until I can be with Harley again. Thanks for listening, Elizabeth

Hi Kavish,

Thanks for wishing Harley a happy birthday, I hope you are right that he is cheering us on. I miss him so much I can't stand it, I've been crying most of the day, just managing to stop when I have to go to the post office or grocery store. I'm not sure why life has to be so hard. I hope you are having a good weekend, thanks again, SM

Today is my little jack russell's birthday. He would have been 15, but he passed away about 9 weeks ago. I miss you so much Harley, I hope the angels are throwing you a great party and that you get to do something fun today. I'm sending you all my love. I can't wait until one day we can celebrate together again, but right now all I can do is cry. Love you forever, SM

I wanted to add to what Marty just said, and some other things.

For me, in case you've not read any of my older posts, it's coming up to 4 long years with the loss of my beloved fur-daughter (and over a decade for my fur-son), and I still can't quite believe so much time has gone by already. In my heart, it only feels like a few long moments and I often wonder how I ever made it this far. Even though intellectually, I can go back and chart my course to see "how" I did that, in some ways it's still a mystery. After reading through most of your exchanges with other members here (some wonderful sharing there!), it still amazes me how I can still find help for my own pain from what certain other people share, and how it can take me right back in time, yet also be rather 'spliced' into the Present at the same moment. (you've had some really fine helpers/fellow grievers here, I have to say!)

But I know you've been worried, just as I was & still am to some degree, about how you're to survive that long, feeling as you do right now. I never thought I'd get to the (moving) point where I could tell anyone that it does "get better," but I'm at the beginning of saying so now, and actually meaning it. Some days are still harder than others of course, but it isn't anywhere near as grueling or utterly searing a pain as it was, that's for certain. It just takes as long as it takes, for each of us, individually, and depends, too, on whatever else is adding to our burden along the way. For me, I also had "complicated grief," as others have had, too, and that does make it more difficult...but not "impossible," one word that described how I felt back then about the task of grieving.

Another thing that helped me during the most intense periods of pain was the eventual thought that I'd rather have that pain, rather than not have what I'd had to give rise to it. While I also, at the same time, wanted to simply give up my body and be with my kids again (and can still feel that way at times; usually when things aren't going as well as hoped), I also couldn't have imagined how hollow and empty my life would have been without them, of all (fur)people. I wouldn't trade the love and intensely close spiritual bond we had with each other for ANYTHING else this world has to offer, because it has shaped me into who I am, and I'd hate to think of who I might have been otherwise. Somehow, that helped me accept a bit better that to have experienced all that, I had to have been in this world, and so did they...so the sheer torture of their passings felt...more than appropriate, and I incorporated that extreme pain into being a part of the whole picture of our ONGOING relationship. In other words, that pain became just as SACRED to me as the joy had been, because it was about and for my kids, and that made it a wee bit easier to bear. Would we really want it to be too "easy" right from the start? or would that instead reflect, in our minds, how little someone meant to us? I hope this is coming across as I mean it.

It also helped to find out, over time, that even the greatest sages from the past had experienced terrible, personal grief in their own lifetimes...so how 'superior' could we think we could be, given that? They survived the pain, and so do we.

I also know how, even WHEN we experience our kids with us (through signs, feelings, etc.), it doesn't really help much, if at all in the beginning, for all we really want is to have what we had before, and nothing else will do! It's almost like a horrible tease, sometimes even making the pain of missing them worse. But for me, as time wore on and I processed more and more, and did things to help myself, even that gradually turned into more of a feeling of gratitude and warmth, and of knowing that my kids were there, trying to help me go through what I needed to. Unlike many, I never felt "bad" or guilty that I wasn't able to feel happier, because I knew THEY knew me better than anyone and they'd understand fully why I was in such pain. As always, they'd be patient with me, hugely-loving souls that they are.

But Marty mentioned finding or making "meaning" in a loss. It would take me pages to describe my own, personal path with that, but suffice to repeat what I'd already said - my kids shaped me into who I am, bless their divine, fuzzy hearts, and also, throughout their lives here, led me to what I'm doing with my life NOW. If not for them, I can't even imagine what kind of meaningless, shallow existence and hollow work I might be doing, or the 'surface' types of people I'd be involved with. They were and still are my "saviors," in a word. And although it may still be hard to carry on without them physically here, I can at least say my life hasn't been without deep, richly spiritual and glorious, universally-meaningful purpose, even if I never really get to 'finish' what I've set out to do in this lifetime. But even this one step or part of this grief journey, takes time and effort, so when Marty says grieving is the "hardest" work you'll ever do, I'd say that's an understatement that no one really 'gets' until they've experienced it for themselves. It truly is, and has to be, taken one moment at a time...and isn't that how our furkids lived for the most part?

From what I've read so far, I'd say Harley has come through for you a few times already, hoping to let you know he IS okay, so try to trust that he's there. After all, if he wasn't, he couldn't have been coming through as he has, right?...especially with this last sign of feeling his energy next to you. (it may take some time for this to really sink in) I know it's not the same as what you want, but isn't it better than nothing having shown up at all? Many people say they carry that extra burden and angst...and I feel so badly for them, wondering if they've just missed 'seeing' what was there. I haven't even gotten some of the ADC experiences I was not only fully expecting, but that some of my friends (and others) have received! So my advice would be to try to just accept whatever you DO get, just as I've had to do, and even though that still pains and frustrates me.

I also truly believe you'll learn exactly what you need to learn, AS you need it and WHEN you need it. It will come...and all in Divine Timing, built right into your grieving process. And yes, "thank God for MUTE!" I've used it often myself on those calls and have heard MANY people trying to speak through their tears! But glad you tried the class. "Some day" you'll be able to look back on your journey and recognize real progress and even forgive yourself for what you see as your shortcomings...the same ones that Harley most likely never even noticed, with his love for you outshining everything else.

P.S. And omg...saw his pic on your other thread, and what an adorable, absolutely 'munchable' boy he is! I can certainly see how much you've got to miss. SUCH a sweet face! If you don't mind me asking, did he like to "shred" things? Was he pretty feisty, but usually in spurts, yet also could be rather 'clingy' at times? I really think he's jumping up & down, trying to say, "I'm HERE! I'm HERE!" (i.e. next to you)

Hi Maylissa,

I am hoping that Harley will find ways to stay around longer as he gets used to being a spirit. I told Marty I want a little ghost Harley running around. This week has been really hard, they are all hard, but I think last weekend set me back. I would never have wanted to have not known Harley, he was such a precious gift. One of the things that keeps me going is thinking there might be another special one down the road for me to meet. Someone somewhere told me crying clenses your soul to which I answered I should be spotless by now. You asked about Harley, he was fiesty but in a bossy way, he was the one who was always bossing me around and telling me what he wanted. He talked a lot which makes his absence even more pronounced. He had the sweetest kindest sould I think I've ever known, there wasn't a mean bone in his body. I am really hoping he will make a return trip sometime and that somehow in this whole crazy world we will find each other. I really need him to come back. He got a raw deal, he was my special needs doggie, he had more health problems in one body than a whole pack of dogs should have. It was so unfair. Everything is all out of sorts now. It's like the universe sucked Harley out of the house and created this vortex, the energy is all off, things just aren't right.

It's been a hard 17 months for me, it seems like one punch after the other. Right now one of my other dogs is recuperating from a broken leg. I am so tired. I wish there was a way to take a vacation from grief. At this point I would be happy to know that someday I might stop crying. I found something neat online today. I was at the Things Remembered web site and you can design your own charm bracelet and they have doggie cahrms, so I am going to get one and get a charm for each pup, that way they can always be with me.

I hope you have had a good week and I hope you have a great weekend. I might be taking one of my pups to an agility trial this weekend, he really has fun at those. Thanks again, Elizabeth

Elizabeth, dear ~ Maybe this push you feel "to learn so much more" and know that Harley is okay stems from your efforts to make some sense out of this loss. Mess or not, you are right where you are supposed to be. This is the hardest work you will ever do, and you'll never, ever be the same ~ but over time, you can and you will find a way to make meaning from this horrible experience . . .

Hi Marty,

I am trying desperately to make sense out of all of this. I don't understand. Just like I don't understand why good people die early and some drug dealers and murderers die of old age. Harley was the sweetest, kindest soul I have ever known. It is a rare jack russell that you can throw into a group of already established jack russells and have them fit in from day 1. I'm trying to remain open to the process, but I can't possibly see anything good ever happening from this. Just like I don't understand why Harley can send signs and not stay longer. I want a little ghost Harley running around if I can't have the original. I've never wanted to see a ghost so much in my whole life. Thanks for the support and for spear heading this board, it is a great resource. Have a great weekend, Elizabeth

Maylissa,

I never thought about the double rainbow that way. I saw one a few weeks after Harley died, maybe it was him and Windsor together, I like that idea. I just finished the teleclass from ASN, thank god for mute since I cried through half of it. I just hope Harley can forgive me for mistakes I made, I so wish I could have been better. He seemed so much better at his job then I was at mine. I have so much to learn.

A friend of mine asked me if in retrospect I thoght I had ever heard from Windsor and I told her I felt him next to me one night and last night for a fraction of a second I could feel Harley's energy right next to me, like him going me too, me too. I just wish I felt like I would be able to handle this better some day. I'm such a mess right now. I'm holding on for dear life. Thank you so much for sharing your experiences with me, it helps to have validation of my experiences at this point. I want to learn so much more. Most of all I want to know that he is OK. Thanks bunches, Elizabeth

Hi Marty,

Thanks so much for the info, I didn't know about them. I am going to try the class this evening. I am excited to have another resource. All the best, Elizabeth

Maylissa,

I think Harley sent me a rainbow. I'm reading the book right now about the rainbow colors and grief and I was sitting on the sofa crying and I looked up and there was a beautiful rainbow right there I'm giving him credit anyway. Have a great night, Elizabeth

Hi Maylissa,

Thank you for the additional resources. I'm sitting here crying again, that seems to be all I excel at right now. I had a wonderful dream about Harley a few weeks ago that he came back. He was always very vocal, he let it be known when he wanted something, so I am hoping he will continue to use his voice from wherever he is. The last book I read only mentioned the names of two of my doggies, Harley and Casper, and they looked almost like twins, I used to call them my bookends. It was just odd that out of the 8 doggies I've had those two words were mentioned, and I was reading about one of the authors of another book and in the back it said she liked spending time with her Harley. I trully believe I will see my furbabies again some day, if I didn't I wouldn't be able to survive. I miss the two that have passed away so much. I so want to know that they are OK and thriving. I feel like I could have done so much better as a pet parent, they were so perfect and then they got me. Part of me just wants to go and be with them. Dover was Harley's best doggie friend. He has been heartbroken. Sad Dover is almost more than I can handle. He gets a toy from Harley every Sunday now, it is our new ritual we go to the pet store. Before he died Harley told the pet communicator that he wanted to be remembered by buying a dog that needs one a toy, Dover doesn't need one, but he likes them and they were best buds so I figure Harley would approve. I am thinking of doing a toy drive in his honor later this year and giving to several animal shelters, but I have to get myself pulled together first. You sound way more pulled together than me at the moment. Which gives me hope. I so want to know that people find a way to be happy again. I cry at the drop of a hat now. Harley used to love McDonald's, you should have seen how long it took me to be able to order at the drive through again. I drove by the park where I met him the other day and lost it. I have a really hard time with pictures right now, they all make me cry. I really thought I would be cried out by now, but apparently not. I'm going to keep plugging along with the books and the ADC, I really want to explore that. Until I picked up the Love Never Dies book I didn't really know about the ADC area, I knew who John Edwards was but I thought you needed special gifts to be able to do it. I'm hopful that I will be able to tune in to some things as I progress. I'm a newbie at this point. God I would give anything to be with him again, it hurts so much. Well, Lexi is hollaring for food so I better go feed my peeps some dinner. Thank you again for the info and support it means more than you may ever know. All the best, Elizabeth

Hi Maylissa,

Thank you so much for your reply. As soon as I stop crying I am going to look up some of the resources you listed. I so want to develop ADC with both Harley and my first dog who died Windsor. I hope I am intuitive enough, I'm starting from scratch. So far when I have asked Harley for signs he has come through, but I don't know what constitues an ADC. I'll take anything I can get at this point. My nickname for him was Doodle and one night I couldn't sleep and it was about 3 am and I turned on the tv to an old episode of Cheers, I never watch Cheers at 3 am and at that moment they had this dialogue on about cheese doodles and they kept saying Doodle, Doodle, Doodle, I like to think he gave me the idea to turn on the tv so I would know he heard me, I mean there was probably only one Cheers episode in it with 3 doodles in it. The past few days have been super hard and I have been in meltdown mode again. Saturday night I was just sobbing and one of my other dogs came over and put his paw on my shoulder to comfort me.

I really suck at the whole death thing. I don't do loss well, I'm not well adjusted in this area. Well I just wanted to thank you for your thoughts and comments, I can't wait to look up some of the stuff you suggested. Thank you so much for sharing, I hope your journey continues to expand, I get the feeling it never really ends. All the best, Elizabeth

I just finished a book about that, I would love to learn more. Great suggestion.

Hello everyone.

For anyone out there who doesn't know me I am grieving the loss of my latest jack russell Harley who passed away on April 25th. I have been devestated by his loss, but I wanted to try and do something useful for others who are grieving the loss of a fur baby. Since Harley passed away I have been like a sponge looking for any infromation that might help. I have read 3 books to date and thought I would give quick reviews. I am not a professional reviewer but I thought I would share my insights. I have a stack of about 9 books I am working on so it may take a while to finish. Some of the books were recommended via Amazon, some from other threads on this site and some from other sites and some I found looking around online. Anyway I hope this might be helpful to someone out there looking for answers. I wish the pet board people were more active, it seems like a very quiet part of this message site. I hope you each find a little peace this week. I will update as I finish more books.

1. Waking Up, Climbing Through the Darkness by Terry Wise: I was disappointed in this book, I had really high expectations for it. It is about a woman who becomes suicidal after the death of her husband. I got it because after the death of my first dog I was suicidal and I thought this might offer some insight. It reads mostly like a tribute to her therapist, while I am glad she connected with her therapist, it didn't help me any. I was looking for more dialogue about how she felt and how she did things like managing to get up in the morning, and what I found wasn't that helpful. It reads well though, I give it a B.

2. Love Never Dies, A mother's journey from Loss to Love by Sandy Goodman: I liked this book alot, it deals with after death material, is also an easy read. I got several books about the death of children because a lot of the pet books didn't seem to go deep enough for me, I wanted resources that dealt with the magnitude of loss I am feeling and I thought child loss books would be the most relevant. A-

3. How to Survive your grief, when someone you love has died by Susan Fuller: This was a useful book for about 10 minutes. It deals with all the different things you might be feeling during grief, that part was helpful to know that I wasn't going crazy. The problem is she calls almost everything normal and says if you need help find a support group or therapist. I don't know what I expected from this book, but it left me wanting more. I guess I wanted something this book wasn't designed to offer. B-

My thoughts are not meant to offend anyone, I know we all grieve differently and a book I might not like might be the magic bullet for someone else. I merely wanted to offer some thoughts as I work through these resources. All the best, Elizabeth

Hi Everyone,

As some of you know I lost my darling jrt Harley a little over 6 weeks ago. I am still in a state of shock and devestation. I cry for him every day and miss him constantly. Well this weekend coming up is going to be so hard, I have no idea how to get through. Saturday is going to be the 2 year anniversary of when I met Harley. I still remember the day so well. It was warm and sunny and we met at the park and then he came to my house. He was originally going to be a foster, but I ended up adopting him the following Labor Day weekend. Then Sunday is the 9th anniversary of the death of my first dog Windsor and the 7th week anniversary of Harley's death. So much sadness for one weekend. Just driving by the park where I met Harley yesterday reduced me to tears.

I miss him so much I can't stand it. It doesn't feel like it will ever get better. I don't have any people friends that I can hang out with this weekend, probably just as well I will probably spend most of it crying. I hate my life right now, I keep hoping a meteor will fall on my head but so far no luck. The fact that it is cold and rainy isn't helping much. Well that's all I have for the moment. I hope everyone is hanging in there. Take care, Elizabeth

Hi,

I am so sorry for your loss, what a terrible thing to have gone through. I don't have any answers on finding closure I'm afraid. When my mother died my Dad didn't want an autopsy so I don't know what her cuse of death was. She had mulitple health problems, several of which can be hereditary and I would really liked to have known what it was that killed her. People look at me like I am crazy when they ask what did your Mother die of and I say I don't know. The only thing I have been able to do that has helped a little is talking with my own doctors and describing what I knew of what happened and then we try to piece it together. I have also gotten tested for some of the things that she had and even started early treatment for one item as a sort of just in case, but it's hard. She was 61 when she died and I wonder if I will have a similar fate. I hope you will be able to get some closure in the months to come. I am glad you have your children. I hope you find some peace this weekend, Elizabeth

Hi Nancy,

That's cool that you have a jack russell. I never knew it would hurt this much either. My dog was almost 15 but I only had him 22 months so to me he was less than 2. I adopted him later in life and he was my special needs boy. Dover one of my other jacks was his best friend and Dover is heart broken. Dover is 5 1/2 years old and for 5 1/2 years his tail never stopped wagging and now it doesn't wag anymore. He justs sits on Harley's bed with the saddest look on his face, it just breaks my heart. I haven't been able to function since Harley died, I miss him so much a part of me wishes I could die to so I could go to wherever he is and be with him. The crying is really getting old. Maybe Harley and Maggie are playing together in the newcomer's club. I wish I felt like this would get better at some point, but I don't yet. Everyone says give it time. I am reading a bunch of grief books, but so far they aren't much comfort. I just want him back so badly.

There is a good pet loss chat on Wednesday nights on alln.org. I try to go each week it seems like a really good group of people. I hope you find some sunshine this weekend, I hate weekends now because Harley died on Sunday so I start dreading them about Thursday. Hang in there, I will be sending you good wishes, Elizabeth

Hi Nancyf,

I am sorry for your loss. I lost my jack russell Harley about 5 1/2 weeks ago, I too feel like I am dying inside. This probably won't make you feel better but I have been crying everyday for almost 8 weeks, I just can't stop. I miss him so much, and I know what you mean about not seeing the light, I can't imagine every being happy again at this point. I don't have any words of wisdome, I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone and there are others who feel as you do. Take care of yourself, hugs, Elizabeth

Hi Butterfly,

I am very sorry for the loss of your Dad. I just wanted to thank you for recommending the book, I just ordered it from Amazon. Like someo others I don't feel the presence yet and I feel like I am missing out. I am hoping this book will open my eyes to things that may have been right in front of me that I missed. I hope you have a small bit of piece on Memorial Day today. Keep coming back to the board, there are some really supportive people here. Take care, Elizabeth

Hi Susie Q,

If it helps any to know there are others out there who have the same experiences, I am the same way with the crying. I can usually hold it together when I am out with other people, but as soon as I am alone in the car, the house, anywhere the tears flow. I've given up trying to figure out when I will stop crying, I figure it will take as long as it takes. I hope your event is helpful in some way. I think that is great you were able to treat yourself to some new things. So far losing weight is the only possitive I see to this whole grieving/death process. I wish you all the best, Elizabeth

Hi Marty,

I wanted to say first that I really appreciate your site. It helps to know others are suffering along with me. I haven't been a member very long so this may have already been addressed but I was wondering if you had every thought of adding a traumatic and sudden loss thread to the board. I have ordered some books on the topic as I was caught very off guard. I don't know if they deserve their own section or not as I am sure they are intertwined with the other sections, but it was just a thougth I had. Keep up the great work and I hope you have a good holiday weekend, Elizabeth

Hi Bees,

I don't know if you are still reading this message board, but I just wanted to let you know that I would be thinking about you tomorrow and I wish you some peace and light this Momorial Day holiday. Take care, EAF

Today is 4 weeks since I lost my loved one. I am in the depths of hell right now, I never knew this much pain was possible. I'm trying to reach out to people who have walked this path before me and made it to the other side, I need to know that people survive, because right now if I could wish it I would wish myself gone. My entire life is falling apart, I'm sick on top of it at the moment, have cried so much I have actually lost my voice. I am reading a book and this person talkes about going into the pit of grief, the agony part, I just need to know there is a way out, because I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel, I don't even believe there is a light to look for. I'm in such a dark, dark place I don't know what to do. Thanks as always for listening. I hope you each find some peace this weekend.

I've cried so much I finally lost my voice. I just squeak now. Today is 4 weeks since Harley left and I just want to die, I can't stand the pain. I have a pet memorial candle that I got when my first dog, Windsor, died and I light it every night for Harley and Windsor now. I feel like the Universe is just beating me up over and over until I just break into pieces. I absolutely hate Sundays, I wish I could go somewhere where Sundays didn't exist. If there is anyone out there who has been to hell and survived and come back please let me know, because I am in the pit of despair and I need to know that some make it out. Thanks, EAF

Thank you for posting this, tomorrow is 4 weeks for me and I'm just holding on for dear life to the hope that we will all be together again. Peace, Elizabeth

very lovely, thanks for sharing