Dimcl

It's 7 weeks today since my darling Glenn left and I've been worse in the last 3 or 4 days than I've been since it happened. Glenn was always proud of me for not being a cryer, but he'd be at a loss if he saw me now. I guess I had lots stored up because I can't seem to stop now.

I know that part of it is Christmas, but I feel in such a pit of despair these days. I write him letter after letter, trying to explain how I feel, but he never had to go through this and I just can't seem to find the words. Writing the letters brings me comfort, but it's also frustrating because there are no words to express myself.

I went to have my teeth cleaned today and my hygienist told me that she'd been visiting a friend in the same hospital room that Glenn was in and that she saw me there, but that I was so busy looking after "whoever you were there for", that she hadn't spoken. Well, there you go... right there in the dentist's office, I start bawling like a baby. This is all horrible enough without these awful coincidences and reminders.

To be honest, folks, if I got hit by a bus tomorrow, I wouldn't mind. I have no real friends here, the phone calls from my friends in the next province over have quit coming (as I knew they would), Glenn and I had no children, and I am struggling. That's not to say that I won't keep putting one foot in the front of the other, just as Glenn would have if our roles were reversed, but right now, I don't feel like I have very much to live for.

I know that I'm just feeling sorry for myself and I hate that, but not in my wildest imagination did I ever think that grief could be so vast.

You're very welcome.

Hi Mary. I got them from a wonderful store that I've used for high-quality and one-of-a-kind gifts for years. The following is the US version of their website: http://www.leevalley.com/us/?c=2. On the left side, search for item #45K07.15. They're simply called "Brass ID Containers".

Di

(And if you want to pay $9.00, search for item 50K41.01 - it's the best kitchen gadget ever invented!)

Since I started this thread, I wanted to let you all know what I've done in this regard. I looked at cremation jewellery (and the prices!) and thought, "There must be another alternative", so I put on my thinking cap and wondered what I could use instead of paying a large price for a piece of jewellery that nobody else would see but me (I wear Glenn's ring on the long chain as well and just want them to be private). What I came up with was 6 small brass containers for $4.00! Apparently, their purpose is to attach to luggage, etc. You put a little strip of rolled-up paper in them with your name and address and attach it to whatever you pack with you and, in case you lose it, the cylinder is unscrewed and there's your name and address. Well, I liked the looks of them and filled all six with some of Glenn's ashes. The quality of these is very good and since they screw together in the middle and have very high-quality threads, I have no fear of having them come undone. I think I put ashes in the other five because in the Spring, I might stash these little things in areas of the yard ie. in a nook in the cherry tree, etc. Glenn's passion was the yard and keeping it looking immaculate and I think he'd like to know that he was "overseeing" it, so to speak. Glenn was an inventor, an innovator and often made his own tools. I know he'd be very proud of my ingenuity.

I just thought I'd pass this on because there are alternatives to buying expensive jewellery. Besides, I'm not much of a jewellery-wearer and this seemed more appropriate for me.

The photo isn't great but I've included the ring so you can get an idea of the size.

But I never had no idea it would be this hard.

Loretta, nobody ever has any idea that it will be this hard. My husband was 22 years older than I was, so we always knew that the odds were good he would go before me. He always looked 10 years younger than he was and he hadn't been sick in our 33 years together up until the last 2 months. Even though our age difference meant he'd probably go before me, and even though I worried about it the odd time as the years passed, my wildest imaginings back then are so far removed from the reality that it's laughable. I've actually had people say to me "I can imagine what you're going through". Uh uh, no way. Wait until it happens to them and then they can come back and tell me that.

I'm so sorry that your Jody died on the 26th of October. It makes me sad because that's the day that my Glenn had his surgery (it was also his 79th birthday) and he died 5 days later. So, you and I and some others on this site have very recently commenced this journey and we can all come here and lean on one another.

Take care, Loretta.

Di

I was finding that I kept going back to the days when we had to put Lars in hospice. When the ambulance attendents brought him to the room designated to him, he had a look of terror on his face. I'm sure he knew,as drugged for pain that he was, that this room was where he was going to die.

Lainey, this is exactly why I'm so grateful that it was heart failure that took my Glenn. We didn't even know he had cancer until a month before he died. I would have done anything for that man, and spent our last penny if I had to, to have nursing care for him at home, but I also knew that, at some point near the end, even nurses wouldn't have been enough. He'd have needed more and more pain medications and nurses aren't authorized to make those calls. The end result would have probably been hospice care and that would have broken both our hearts. I am just so grateful that horrible alternative was taken out of our hands and I'm just so sorry that you and Lars had to go through it.

I'm feeling this way, too, Melina. As I mentioned, I've begun writing letters to my sweetie, and as Dusky says, it's very therapeutic. Tonight, I expressed how unprepared we were for what happened. As nervous as we were about the surgery, it never once occurred to either of us that Glenn wouldn't be coming home again. The day before his surgery, I had told him how much I loved him, how much I have learned from him, how proud I was to be his wife, but if we had just known, there was so much else I would have told him. We knew his cancer was terminal but we had no idea that it would be a sudden heart fibrillation that took him. I console myself with the thought that heart failure is so much better than dying of cancer, but if he had come home, we would have had more time.

I tell him all these things in my letters and because we were so much on the same wavelength, I don't feel the need to draft his responses. I know, in my heart and in my head, what he would say to me, and carrying on this "dialogue" helps so much.

It's been only 7 weeks for me, so perhaps I don't understand what 4 months down the road will be like, as you do. I just know that no men loved as much as our men were, would be unforgiving or wouldn't understand. I think we tend to picture them as saints at the times when we're beating ourselves up. When I start feeling like that, I simply write to Glenn and remind him of some of the boners he pulled throughout our relationship and then I don't feel so bad.

More than one person on this site has said that journaling has helped them, so about 3 weeks into this journey (3 weeks ago), I started a journal. It helped somewhat, but I found that I was kind of writing a report.

Tonight, I sat down with pen in hand (not on my computer) and started a letter to my darling Glenn. He was not a "talker" and if he had anything really on his mind, he'd write me a letter. So, I started this letter to him and just started telling him my news, how I was feeling, what I'm doing to try and get through this, how I'm coping. I asked him what he thought of my plans for his ashes, thanked him for advising me to spend Christmas with my parents, just whatever came into my head. I started the letter by warning him that it would likely be a long one, and it will be! I put pen down for the night after 6 legal-sized pages and I know that this is the right way for me. It's a letter TO him and it feels like he might just read it. Silly, no?

I just thought it might be something that other members might try if they haven't already. It's going to bring me much comfort, I just know it.

Sometimes I think I'm in the waiting mode.

This describes my feelings in the best way. I hadn't really noticed, but after I read your post, it occurred to me that I'm feeling just as I would if Glenn were away for only a couple of days. I miss him, but it's no big deal. Oh my, how often does reality have to set in before it stays? Tomorrow, I'll probably be a damned mess again. I'd just like for my brain to quit playing tricks on me... give me both barrels, and let me get on with things. This up and down like a yo-yo is horrible.

I think that context makes all the difference in the world. "Count your blessings" can sound condescending and smug when said by someone who has no clue what we're really going through. Coming from someone who's "been there, done that" and who appears to be as kind and thoughtful as you, I can't imagine anywhere here not understanding what you mean in your signature.

Hello, everyone. Today has been what I'm beginning to call a "numb day". I woke up this morning in a strangely detached frame of mind. I looked at all the pictures of Glenn that I have scattered around the house, but felt oddly numb. I filled my day with projects and managed to keep busy, but even this evening when I look at his photo, I have a blank feeling. This has happened once before, about 3 weeks into this journey (it's been almost 5 weeks now), and I remember that it gave me some respite, but when it wore off, the grief was brutal. Now, I'm afraid that tomorrow, I'll be a mess and I have so many errands to run and things to do.

Has anyone else experienced this? It almost makes me feel guilty, but I'm wondering if it's my brain's way of keeping things under control.

I play a sport one night a week with a group that I've only met once a week since mid-September. Even through Glenn's surgery and death, I continued to go since I thought I should (except for the week that he died). When I make a commitment, I keep it and I thought it might be good to keep a routine.

I've never worn jewellry when playing sports, and as usual, I wasn't wearing my wedding rings last night. Near the end of the evening, one of the women asked if I was married and I automatically said "Yes". On the drive home, it suddenly occurred to me that, technically, that's not true, and I had to pull the car over as the finality of it all hit home.

After only a month, emotionally I'm still married, and I can't imagine ever thinking that Glenn and I are not married, but should I have explained my answer? Telling people that my husband just died is way too painful, but I also don't want to deceive people. Has anyone else had this problem?

I'm so sorry for your double loss, Melissa. How sad that your dad and mother-in-law died so near in time to each other.

I lost my husband a month ago today and it's the worst pain imaginable, so I'm glad that you have a husband who loves and supports you.

Something that I am learning, though, is that there is no magic timeline. Your Dad's only been gone for 6 months and your mom-in-law for two. Maybe you're being too hard on yourself? You can't be expected to get over something like that in that short time. As for you needing therapy, maybe you do, maybe you don't, only you can know for sure. If you don't mind me saying so, though, it sounds like your issues with your Mom are all mixed up with your grief. Maybe it's time to stop expecting much from your mom and just try to heal yourself without her help, but with the help of your husband and the positive people around you. If she isn't able to help you, there's nothing you can do about it. Lean on those who can help you.

The holidays are hard because you don't feel like celebrating and because so many of your previous holidays involved your loved ones. I'm sure you'll feel right again, but just keep in mind how recent the deaths are. It sounds like you expect yourself to "get over it". I'm told that's the wrong thing to do. Take each day as it comes and give yourself permission to grieve.

Welcome, Kristia. I'm so sorry for the loss of your young husband. I lost my Glenn, suddenly, a little under a month ago. We had been together for 33 years. We had no children, it was just always the two of us, and like you and your Michael, we were a rock-solid team. The last time I saw Glenn was at 8:00 PM on a Sunday evening and at 2:15 AM, I was awakened by a phone call telling me that he had died. We had been talking about getting him home from hospital just 6 hours earlier! I'm not sure we will ever get over the shock of something like that, but you sound like you're handling things as best you can. Perhaps you will be able to help us "newbies" on this site, as well as help yourself cope.

Hi Melina. I, too, am having a very hard time of it this weekend. Friday nights were always Glenn's and my "date night" and getting through last night was extremely hard. It'll be one month this coming Monday that my darling man left and I think I'm getting to the stage where it's finally starting to sink in. I know it's not much consolation, but we here all know about lonely and miserable.

I know I should go out and pick up some groceries and enjoy the pleasant weather, but the very thought of being out with other people is starting to really scare me. My emotions are so all over the place that just looking at another person in public can start me off.

Tomorrow is the big championship game in our Canadian Football League and friends just called to invite me to their place to watch it on TV. I had to refuse because the very thought of doing it without Glenn horrifies me. I'm also so afraid of embarrassing myself and wrecking their good time, that I just can't do it. I know I shouldn't turn into a hermit, but there was just Glenn and I, always, for 33 years. I've no kids, no pets, no work, no family here, nobody else to look after except myself now and I'm not doing a very good job of it.

I admire you for being able to accomplish so much. I always prided myself on being a "doer", but am learning that I'm not as strong as I and everybody else thinks I am. "Hanging in there" is about all any of us can do, I guess.

Thank you all for your replies. Tammy, I think you nailed it on the head for me when you said, "Personally, even if I put Jeff's things away I would still look at maybe the spot where he kept his keys and even if they weren't actually there, I'd be thinking that is where they are supposed to be?!"

I just have this huge fear that if I change anything, the "un-normalness" of it would be too much to deal with. I am so looking for normality right now. I guess my love's things stay where they are for the moment.

It's just over 3 weeks and I haven't touched any of Glenn's things. His slippers are still on the bedroom floor right where he took them off. His keys and gardening gloves and ball cap are still on the kitchen table, his loose change and "knick knacks" still on his bedroom dresser. Their visibility provides me with some comfort, but they're also very painful and I'm wondering if it's too soon to start putting them away. I mostly don't want to because I don't want to remove evidence of my darling man, but seeing them hurts a lot. When I do plan on removing things, I plan to do it one at a time ie. don't do a clean sweep all at once.

Could anyone tell me what kind of timeline they experienced and whether I'm thinking about this far too soon? I know that we're all different but the comfort/hurt thing when I look at them is very confusing.

Congratulations on making it to a month. Your last few messages have sounded less distraught and although I know that can be deceiving, I think it's a good sign. I'm just very sorry that Clint's family is making life miserable. Good for you to tell them to back off. You certainly don't need any more grief.

Today is 3 weeks for me and I'm still not sure how I'm doing. Sometimes I think I'm resigning myself and other times, I just still can't believe it and it's so overwhelming. I had a really bad night last night, but I had made the mistake of going through old photos and playing some of Glenn's favourite music. Couldn't stop crying.

I almost envy you "having" to deal with Christmas because of your little guy. I don't have that imperative, so have absolutely no reason to even think about it. I know it's going to be a nightmare and I plan on just hibernating over the holidays. A friend suggested that I buy a bottle of wine, a big bucket of ice cream, bags of chips, rent a bunch of DVDs, wrap up in a blanket and just veg through a film festival. Not a bad idea, actually. I just can't imagine being with anyone over Christmas and New Year's. Being at all social would be an extremely difficult and exhausting exercise. Not to mention that anyone around me would have a really ugly Christmas themselves!

Di

Redwind, I have no words of wisdom except to say how sorry I am for your pain. I'm only 3 weeks into this journey myself and am in much the same situation you are. I'm only 56 and I have no family or real friends where I live. Glenn and I were enough for each other and although I have acquaintances here, there's nobody I can be comfortable enough to unburden on.

This weekend has been horrible for me as well, but the only thing I keep repeating to myself is that Glenn would have just kept putting one foot in front of the other, if our roles were reversed. Most men seem to have an ability to put unpleasant memories behind them and move on. I've tried to keep busy today, with laundry and small chores, but every time I turn around, it smacks me on the side of the head. Something as simple as not having any of his things in the laundry hurts so much.

As for Christmas, I can't even stand going into a grocery store. Glenn would always buy a box of Japanese oranges and a box of Black Magic chocolates as soon as they went on to the shelves and just seeing those things on display kills me. I'm sure I'll be invited out for Christmas somewhere, but I can't see doing that because all's I'll do is wreck everybody else's Christmas. I certainly won't be putting up a tree or decorations - I just want it over and done with as quickly as possible.

I'm sorry that I can't be of help right now, but I wanted you to know that there's someone here who can totally relate to what you're going through. Please keep talking and I'll keep listening.

Di

Everyone tells me that I should not try to supress anything and I know, intellectually, that they're right, but I just find it hurts too much to do so. Part of my problem is that I've never been a "cryer". When I feel that emotion, I turn to anger instead of weeping. I find no benefit to crying, no release, nothing but feeling weak and out of control.

I know, however, that your advice is probably very good, because I'm afraid that if I supress things now, I'm likely to have things come back to haunt me down the road.

I don't have family or real friends in the city where I live. Glenn and I moved here 6 years ago and although I have acquaintances, I don't have anyone that I really feel I can unload to. In the city where we moved from, I have good friends who have been great on the phone, but my phone bills are already out of hand.

Thank you all for responding. I feel better tonight. I am surrounded by images of my darling man and have just got off the phone with an old friend whose opinions I value above everyone else's and she helped a lot. This site has a lot of great people and knowing that we're all in the same boat (give or take) has truly helped.

It still seems so unreal. How can my darling man just be gone? Everywhere I go, everywhere I look, our 33 years together are all around me, so how can he just vanish into thin air? How can he be alive and talking about coming home from hospital, kissing me goodbye for the night and then just be gone 6 hours later? How can my life alter so drastically in just 6 hours? I'm trying to be brave for him, I'm trying to carry on because that's what Glenn would have wanted, but it's less than 3 weeks and I just can't imagine how I'm going to get through the weeks and months and years without him. I have his photos all over the house and they give me comfort, but I can't believe that he's just gone. In all our life together, we've never been seperated this long and I just can't get over thinking he'll be there to unlock the door for me when I come home, that he'll take the grocery bags out of my arms after shopping, that he'll be in the kitchen making my morning tea when I get up in the morning. I wish I believed in God, believed in an afterlife, believed that his spirit is hovering, but I don't. I miss his touch, I miss hugging him, I miss his voice, I miss his physicality. I feel like such a weakling, but this pain is too much.

Hi Allana. Although it isn't yet three weeks yet, I am also finding myself becoming less motivated. The only thing that get's my butt in gear (and this may sound totally corny), is to know that my darling Glenn, if he were in my shoes, would make himself motivated. He was the most determined, persistent, hard-working man I know of, and when I think that I just can't do something, I ask myself "What would Glenn do?" There is no question as to the answer and I get up and do it. It also makes me feel like I'm honouring his memory and it makes the chores much easier to do.

Di

I'm glad that you broached the subject with him, and that my hunch was right. The funny thing is that young children are very instinctive, and as a result, they kind of see themselves as the center of the universe. Not in an ego way, but in a self-preservation way. As a result, they seem to think that everything that happens around them is somehow their responsibility/fault. Gee, I might have made a good Mom!

I'm very happy that you've opened the door for your little guy. Let's hope that his anger lessens now that he can think that he wasn't to blame. Just keep reinforcing that with him for a while, once in a while.

I'm glad I could help a little.

Di

Suzanne, tomorrow will be 2 weeks for me, so I'm afraid that I can't relate very much, but I wonder if I could ask a couple of questions. Is this what Danny would have wanted for you? And why do you have to say goodbye to Danny to move on in your life? I think of other friends and family that I've lost and, in my heart and mind, I've never said goodbye to them. I know that I'm only on the beginning of this path, but what you've said kind of frightens me. I'm not saying this very well, but I have absolutely no intention of EVER saying goodbye to Glenn. We were together for 33 years and he will always be with me, no matter what. Of that, I have no doubt. I also have no doubt that my life will go on whether I like it or not.

We had no children, we have no family here, I'm all alone with my wedding rings, too. I do know, though, that Glenn would have expected me to move on, on whatever path I chose. He would never want me to shut the door on my future and refuse to progress. Glenn was too much of a problem solver and "doer" to think that way.

In your case, it sounds like a definite decision that you've made. If that is what you want from life, then I wish you peace. I just hope that you and KayC and LarrysGirl aren't typical. I have no idea what this journey will be like and the idea that my life ends because Glenn's did scares me a lot.

I really wasn't kidding about the Home Depot thing, Rachel. I'd have to take up building houses to use all these tools.

Di