Christine35

Emily was beautiful and looks JUST like Bill ! I showed my 11 yr old daughter and she just gasped ! I bet they are playing together now...

Thank you all.. I am finding so much comfort in your replies. Today is my first workday in 14 years that Bill was not waiting for me at 5am when my coffee was ready.. We decided to say good morning to her anyway .

I need help. I feel like I am drowning here. I can actually feel the pain in my heart and on my chest. Two days ago I made the decision to have our cat "Bill" ( a female.. don't ask! ) of 14 years Euthanized. Now I spend every second doubting my decision, reliving every second of the past month and questioning how sick she was, and whether or not I did the right thing. Here is the story. Several months ago we noticed that Bill's breathing had become noticably loud. She sounded a bit like Darth Vader.. to give you an idea. When Bill would sneeze, she sneezed blood everywhere. I thought it was maybe allergies ( we had a horrible season) but when it persisted.. we took her to the vet one month ago. The vet said that Bill most likely had a tumor in her sinus cavity. The vet visit was frustrating.. I thought we would go in.. and have blood tests and xrays .. .something.. ANYthing... but the vet explained that blood tests only show blood cancers.. so the type of cancer probably afflicting Bill would not show on the blood tests. No xrays.. because a cat's sinus cavity is so small, that they would have to be in the exact right position at the exact right second to even show a tumor. She did say that she could refer us to an oncologist if we wanted, but really that we should go home and enjoy Bill while we could. I asked how long.. Months? Years? All she said was that it wouldnt be years. I struggled with that vet visit.. unsure if the vet was blowing us off .. or if she was trying to save us money.. which is what I ended up accepting as truth. The vet's office gave us a 14 day dosage of Clavamox, in order to attempt to reduce the swelling around the presumed tumor, and make Bill's breathing easier. The Clavamox worked like a miracle. Bill's breathing noise stopped and she seemed to be 100% "healed." I went so far as to ask if Bill would be able to STAY on the meds.. but was told no.. because it can cause diareah if taken long term. Bill completed her two weeks on the meds and then stopped. About ten days later... the breathing noises returned. No bloody sneezes this time, more of a wheeze.. sounded like she was trying to suck air in through a pinhole. It was worse at times and better at times. There was a night on the couch that we cringed everytime she took a breath.. listening to her wheze and squeak. Then there were mornings she seemed better.. the breathing still noticable but not horrid. ( This was all in a period of a week or so after the noises resumed) Wednesday night the Vet's office agreed to give us more clavamox.. Said that Bill could have one week on the meds.. followed by one week off.. to see if it helped. I was so relieved to go pick it up. The miracle pill. Wednesday night Bill took her pill..and then lay with us on the couch sounding horrendous.. puffing out her cheeks when she breathed.. squeaking air in and out. Thursday morning Bill took her pill.. and then followed my daughter and I to the door when we left.. sitting in the hallway staring at us.. something she had never done. My 11 yr old said it seemed like Bill was saying goodbye. Thursday evening Bill refused to take her pill.. ( we had been placing it in a pill pocket that she loved) She also refused ( initially ) her wet cat food. Later that evening we were able to get her to take the pill and eat some food.. but the breathing was once again bad. Bill would climb on and off my lap... an overwhelming desire to be pet.. but she would go off and on my lap..several times in a period of a minute.. as if she couldnt decide if she wanted to be pet or if she felt to bad... Listening to her breathe, and watching the expression on her face Wednesday and Thursday .. my daughter and I decided that she was in pain.. and that we needed to make "the decision." Friday morning Bill lay on a kitchen chair.. wheezing... I called the vet and made an Euthanasia appointment for 10am. Friday morning Bill actually wanted to eat... she wanted her treats... although she seemed to not be able to smell them and it took her a while to decide to actually eat them. Bill lay on my lap here at my laptop friday morning while I just sat and cried. We took her to the vet...and she was wheezing, yet active and alert - jumping on and off the table in the exam room.. trying to get out. I kept telling people.. I wish she would be SICKER.. I wish she would be lethargic in the corner.. so the decision would be more clear to me. She had some awful nights.. and then some ok days.. where the symptoms didnt disappear.. but they were not as bad. I wish there was some consistencey. How do I know if it's time or not? We at with Bill and stroked her, hugged and kissed her, and explained what a great cat she had been as she died. Since Friday I am overwhelmed with guilt and questions. I go back and forth.. some hours I believe I did the right thing.. she was not well.. she was not treatable.. she was starting to not smell.. starting to refuse food off and on.. and then some hours.. I feel like I as hasty.. was the breathing as bad as I remember it...? ( my daughter confirms this.. but is she only trying to make me feel better? ) I can't stand that I am the only adult in this house.. I made the decision to have her killed.. I took her away from my child.. and from our dog of 14 years that grew up with Bill from puppyhood.. I look for her everywhere I go in this house.. I feel like I can actually feel her in my lap.. I feel like I am losing my mind. Should I have waited..? I was petrified to wait... in case she progressed over the weekend ( emergency care was not an option saturday and sunday ) Someone tell me PLEASE that this gets better. I feel like I am dying.