Tee

I'm 23 years old and I lost my mother when I was in the prime of my teenage years. I never got that help or advice from my mother that a teenager so desperately needs, and my dad was more distant than ever trying to deal with his own loss. I felt like it was me against the world and that I didn't have time to be weak or show any weakness because no one was going to be there to pick up the pieces anyway. There are times when I tell my husband about my past and try to describe my mother and the pain I went through, but I just know he doesn't get it or understand, and no matter the amount of affection or attention he gives me, I still feel so lonely when it comes to my grief. The only times I don't feel alone is when I don't think about her and I try to block out those memories. I know its not the best thing for me to do, but I don't have anyone to talk to or to comfort me. I'm hoping that joining this forum will give me escape and some sense of comfort knowing that it's not just me.

I've been on the Relay for Life team at my work for a couple months and have participated in bake sales and fund raising, etc... Today is the actual day of the 18 hour event, where people support cancer and cancer survivors and support the all around cause. I couldn't get myself to go to the event. I was 8 years old when my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. I watched her fight for 6 years, going through chemo, radiation, the drugs, and all the pain. I was 14 when she passed away. Even though its 9 years later, I feel all the pain and grief still. The whole point of the 18 hour event is to understand the pain, struggle, and fight that cancer patients go through. But all I keep thinking about is all the pain I went through for 6 years just hoping and praying that my mother would get better. My friends and co workers keep asking me why I didn't show up and why I'm not there, but they just won't understand even if I told them. I miss her everyday, and as much as I've tried to block out all the pain of the past, it's moments like this and events like this that cause all this hurt to resurface. Does anyone else feel like this or understand? I just can't talk to everyone, because I know not everyone understands. It's hard to talk to my husband and my best friend about these things because they've never dealt with this kind of loss.