afwah54

Dear Cheryl, Since all the children are no longer living at home, I have trouble using the computer. There's no one here to ask, "What happen to what I was just typin?"I log on to this website from time to time and find it very comforting. I too am approaching a 2 yr anniversary of losing my husband of 37yrs named Paul. We were very close and actually enjoyed eachothers company more than any one else. We were always together and when we were not, the telephone was the next best way to talk. It has been so difficult trying to get my life back on track, cause I never would have imagined in a million yrs that he would be taken from me. He had lung cancer & was hopsitalized a yr prior to his passing. My daughters and I visited him often but we thought he was going to live, maybe not like before but always around. Even tho I recall all the tubes, machines trachea, oxygen tank, I loved him so much these things became invisible, when I visited all I saw was him. I spend many evenings wandering thru the house longing for him and trying to wrap my mind around the fact, he is not coming back. Holidays & especially his birthday leaves me feeling like something or one has their hands around my neck, choking me. Many panic attacks follow. I will share that my 5 daughters & 5 grandchildren give me hope that I juz might make it.Living alone is an adjustment, but I decided the time has come to start spoiling myself, just like he would have if he lived. I too like going to the nail salon 1-2 times a month, very relaxing. The pain never goes away.I can't tell you it's gonna get better, but you'll learn to find your joy. Be strong and keep his love and all the memories good and bad in your heart, and know that there is someone else out there,me, that understands. Blessing to you..

"The world expects you to get back on your feet and be who you were"; not all the world and certainly not friends who understand or others who have also lost a loved one.

Nicholas

Dear Nicholas, I really get your comment. Losing my husband of 37 yr has been one of my most difficult challenges in my life. It seems almost impossible for anything to feel normal again.My computer skills are pretty bad, so I hope my comment gets back to you. God bless you and give you peace..afwah54..

Actually grieve is one of the the many critical emotions we as humans share. It's the very feeling that makes us onein the same.I so enjoy reading stories on this website, it validates that hurt is hurt, pain is pain no matter what the source of it all is. It makes me feel that I am not alone in this grief. I am humbly grateful & thankyou w/all my heart. Afwah..

Dear Melina, I'm feeling alittle lost this evening as I find myself here many other evenings, and I took a moment to pull up this wonderful website, that I too write. I lost my husband of 37yr in 2009, also have 5 grown daughters who no longer live w/me.My youngest one left me w/ her 2 cats, Boo & Nathaniel ( I don't even like cats?). I just wanted you to know that I understand all the pain and still try so desparately to make some sense out of all this, hoping to find a happy ending. If your marriage was a good one, since alot of them are not, what people lose sight of is, you & your husband were not only married w/children but were friends. Your very best friend in the whole wide world that you may never see again.So I tell myself in the privacy of my room, to think about how lucky we were to have had a love like this. As times goes by I continue to see all the value in a good & rich life I shared w/Paul. You see it's the memories shared that will be mine forever, and if no one else remembers, I sure as heck do. If I had to do this all over again I wouldn't change a thing. I'm smarter stronger wiser and capable of being mom and dad to my daughters. Thank God all 5 of them had a chance to know him in there lives. He was a wonderful father & friend and as long as I continue to love his memory and keep him close in my heart I get comfort from this. I also have 5 grandchildren, only 2 met grandpa.The #5 grandchild is a boy and we named him after grandpa, Paul. As I learn to incorporate my life w/him and emember all the conversations we had , from the beginning to the last moment, I'm confident I can do this in honor of our life together. Yes it takes time, like everything else in life, it's a process. I tell my daughters al the time to "make today better than yesterday, take alot of pictures of the kids, cause you're making memories. Make them good, make them worth something"God bless you sweetie, take care!

Everyday when I awake

I keep hoping this is

all a dream,

and I have been asleep

for a very long time..

I hate to post here for fear of discouraging others. I lost my Larry several years ago, shared my grief journey, my pain, my "whys" many many times over on this site. I've tried to hold up, tried to do what I had to do, care for the home, our dogs, bills, etc. all the while without him. I don't know how to begin a life, still in this much pain. The problem is the life I wanted was taken off this earth in one moment and nothing has ever been the same. I've lost myself along the way, lost my joy. I've tried to push through this because I don't know how else to do it. Surrendering, accepting but it doesn't make a difference. It seems so ironic that in your deepest pain and weakness you have to be the strongest or the world will just leave you behind. I'm sorry, I'm not a good example of how to grieve. I felt like I was able to help others on this site a few years ago but now I hesitate to share anymore. Many that were here when I came, have now come and gone. Its just one of those times when I don't have enough strength to act strong. Deborah

Today would have been 38yrs of marriage for us, and it hurts deeply that my husband is not here to celebrate. It doesn't get any better, you are juz left with good days & bad days. Getting intouch with my spirituality (prayer,music) has been very helpful for me. God bless you sweetie & know that you are not alone in this grieve. Afwah...

Because of Him, we have so much more.

The richness & blessings & memories of His life

are the reasons we are happy today

You have to find a special place for the love

that life you lived with Him.

May you always know & never forget He

will always be a part in you.

Know & believe that he is finally at peace now,

remember His heart, we all have that now.

I'm smilin and I don't even know why? cause

I have nothin and I still feel happy

and wanna smile.Blessings

to you, daughter...P.S. "live every moment as if it was your last dance"

No matter who I have met, they never seem to feel like enough

I try to overlook things I see in their eyes, but somedays those visions

are so clear, nothins there.

The wind changed

sometimes it's hard to understand Gods design

it's the time spent together that counts

more than blood. time counts the most

after that, time remains, regret is a killer.

I'm sad today because everything I thought was me

just flew away like a leaf in a breeze on a fall afternoon

so lonely for?

not really sure?

I'm sad today because it's so hard to pick up

where you got left off, especially when the drop off

was done by anothers will power.

I still look for his face in the crowds.

Rebuilding oneself is like mending an ole quilt

Tightening all the lose threads

Making it beautiful again.

Being careful & prayerful

Most importantly, stay encouraged

Know that you are not walking alone.

So today marks another birthday, although everyday we awake is a glorious moment, I can't seem to sleep. So many emotions traveling through my veins. I really miss "before". I still yearn for it at times. Especially on an occasion as this. I miss the closeness and comfort of it. I always knew what to expect because of "before". I always knew "before" loved me and would be with me forever. It's so difficult trying not to turn around to look for "before".

For all we know, we may never meet again

"Before" you go, make this moment sweet again

For all we know this may only be a dream

We come and go like the rivers of a stream

Tomorrow was made for some

Tomorrow may never come

For all we know.

So he's gone, and no one really seems to care

no paparazzi here, no camera crew

no one knocking at my door for an interview.

Just me trying to make space for my new life

without him.

Safe, but still standing

wearing this day

claiming it as my own

Hoping when it reaches others

you get to feel what I do

being in this moment.