Babs55

Just wanted to add an update. My sister and I just finished talking to each other. She had come to my daughter's house to pick up some papers I organized for her. I gave her a big hug when I let her in the door and told her not to be upset because I loved her very much and my feelings had nothing to do with her personally. She said that she just felt so bad because one of the reasons she had bought the family home was so that her siblings could always come "home" and I told her that we all appreciated that so much and that one day when the reality of Moma's dying in that house wasn't so fresh and painful to us all....we would all be glad that she had bought that house for us to come home and rejoice in our happy memories there. For now our memories were painful but God would bring healing to us all in this and it would be a gift to all of us that she still had the family home then. She told me that she felt like everything was falling apart and I told her that's because everything was in many ways. Our world as we knew it with Moma in it was gone now and there were many other changes happening in all our lives. But we were still a family and the world was going to fall back into place for us all again....it would just have some changes in it..because that's what life does...it brings changes, some good and some not so good. We still have each other and that's what really counts, we are still a family even though one of us lives in our spirits instead of our physical lives now. When she left our hearts were at peace with each other once again..this is important because our hearts spoke in love to each other in the midst of our grief and our hearts understood... Babs

Thank you Paul, I appreciate your wisdom here. I'm sure it has nothing to do with her thinking that there is some problem because she has Moma's house because she bought Moma's house years ago with all of her siblings blessings. She and her husband (who is also deceased now) took part of the house and made my Moma her own private apartment so that they both could have their privacy while Moma lived the rest of her life in her home. None of us wanted the family home but my sister Cherry and we are thankful she bought it. And I thank you for the suggestion about the letter to her...it's a great one and one I will take you up on. My Moma lived and died in that house though and even though she passed peacefully and without pain....we all were with her for those last days and while she took her last breath. I can't answer for my siblings but for me these last days are to fresh in my mind still and I just cannot go back yet to the actual place where it all happened. As much as I love my oldest sister, she has always been the bossy one and can also be very self-centered to the extent of ignoring other's feelings about things if they don't line up with hers or what she wants. If it's something that is not important to me I have often just given in and gone along with what she wanted. But in this case I just can't go along with what she wants..emotionally it would be harmful and set me back...and I'm not going to let that happen because it's hard enough going through this griefing process as it is. I love my sister but I am not ready for the step she wants me to make here and I'm not going to take that step until I am ready. Babs

I woke up this morning filled with anxiety at the thought of going to spend the night at my Moma's house. It doesn't matter that it is my sister's house now..my mind just cannot accept it as that yet. And I'm just not ready for this step yet. So I called my sister a few minutes ago and tried to tell her this and I burst out crying while doing so. I asked her not to be upset but she is anyway. She told me that she can't help but feel hurt because no one wants to come visit her and I told her that wasn't true...we want to visit with her..but some of us just aren't ready to visit with her at Moma's old house yet. I invited her to come here intstead and she is going to come pick up some papers I organized for her, but I don't think she will stay and visit because I could tell she is upset with me. I understand her feelings but I believe she needs to understand mine here too. I just cannot go there yet...it's to soon for me. Babs

It's so weird how things can be going along just fine and you actually think that you are making some good headway in this grieving process...and pow!...you turn around and run right back into that wall of grief again! And you kind of feel that you have just lost all the progress you had made. I woke up the day before yesterday feeling so stressed and like a mountain was sitting on my chest so that I was even having trouble breathing. My head felt so heavy I could hardly hold it up and I was scared to open my mouth and say one word because I felt like I was going to explode if I did. I hid under the covers until my daughter and her husband left to take my granddaughter to DayCare and then on to their jobs...and then when I knew I was all alone...the dam burst and I sobbed my heart out while raging at the injustice of my Moma not being here!! I didn't know my body could hold so many tears and I was sure if I could have put them in the swimming pool...they would have made a good dent in helping to fill it up!! And it was a good thing no one was around while I was venting my rage...because it wasn't a pretty thing to see or hear and I'm afraid anyone who would have been in my path would have felt like a tornado hit them!! After it was all depleted...I was also depleted...and I slept for 4 hours and woke up feeling 10 pounds lighter. I wondered what had happened....and I think I figured it out. I was so busy helping my daughter and her family move into their new home that I didn't have time to feel the grief, but it was still there just building steam and when I was finished with helping and everyone was back in their normal routines...the grief boiled over!! It didn't help that I also don't like to cry in front of anyone else either...a few times tears would flow down my face in front of family members but I always managed to suck them up after a moment (that's probably not a good idea) because I just didn't want to expose my vulnerbility even to my family. That's probably pretty crazy because you should be able to let it all "hang out" with your loved ones....but somehow I just don't feel comfortable doing that even with them. They have always seen me as the "strong one" but the truth is I'm not strong right now and I feel sad in a way that I don't feel comfortable letting them see this side of me. Is this normal? I guess during this time of grief....just about anything could count as normal. Tomorrow I am supposed to go spend the night with my sister that lives in Moma's house. If any of you are praying people, I sure could use a few of those prayers for strength to make that first visit back home to where my Moma used to live. I keep telling myself it is Cherry's house now and it will be probably for the rest of her life....and she really wants me to come spend the night with her before she leaves on a trip and I leave to go back home to Florida. And I want to be able to take this step...so please lift me up in prayer on this if you are willing. I'm also finding that I am very touchy right now....and I have to be really careful to not take something someone says the wrong way and I try to stay away from controversary because I find I can't be very objective at this time. And if my grandchildren start whining or fighting with each other...I find I just don't have any patience with this right now either, and I just go to my room so I won't take my irritation out on them. This too shall all pass....but I have to admit until it does it sure can wear you out and leave you feeling totally drained. Babs

I'm so sorry Maylissa that you didn't get to choose things of your Mum's that you wanted...having some of my Moma's things here and there in my home brings me comfort and leaves a aura of my Moma around my home now too. I don't know your story but I'm going to try to find it so I can read what you have been going through...from what you have posted here....your family's behavior after your Mum's passing has contributed deeply to your pain and grief. I'm truly sorry about this and will be praying God's comfort and peace upon you and for your family's hearts to be softened in love and sharing here as a family once again. dpodesta, I ran across one of your posts and my heart went out to you. Your wife I believe was only 45 when she passed..that seems so young. My Moma lived until about a month and a half after her 80th birthday and my eight siblings and I feel very blessed to have had her for that long. I'm sorry for your loss and I am glad I brought you hope that one day you would see the blessings too. If I remember right you still have a 7 year old son...and if that is true...there's one of your blessings right there! kellymarie, isn't it a blessing just to have a safe have to come to for comfort and refuge during our grief journeys? I felt so alone until I found this place, but now there is a whole family of us all walking the journey of grief, many of us are on different parts of the journey but we still are walking this path together and those who have gone before us have wonderful wisdom to share with us and those behind us are being helped by all of us. We can feel free here to grieve and share our pain and others accept us just as we are. What a blessing this is too. Shell, I'm sorry you are relapsing into that foggy numbness again....I know that place too and I don't like to go there but I will because I want to get through this grief journey and I don't want to delay it by trying to deny wherever it takes me. Like yesterday....when my daughter came home from work she took one look at my face and asked me what was wrong and I told her it was just a grieving day for me and I missed my moma and needed to cry and feel that. She didn't need to hear anymore than that, nor did she try to make me feel better....for last year she lost the Granny she was closest too and she knows about grief too. That's another reason I wanted to come here, there are many here who are walking or have walked the grief journey in my life and they don't try to make you feel better....they just love you and accept what you need to do here. And yes, the pool is theraputic....to me in a way it's like being back in my Moma's womb but being able to see out of that womb all God's beauty that He created! I think what I dislike most about this grief journey is the feeling that from one day to the next I have no control over myself anymore. Coming from an abusive marriage where I always felt controlled by my spouse...I don't like how this part of grieving reminds me of those days. At least I am thankful that I can realize it is not the same thing and these feelings will pass. My heart doesn't feel as heavy today but the tears have been coming today too. I looked up at the sky today with tears running down my cheeks and said, "Moma, I miss you so much!" Just being able to express whatever feelings I am having is healing to me. I think part of me needed to make this trip back here to reassure myself that even though my Moma is gone...I still have family and loved ones here....they are not gone and since my Moma's passing I find an intensity in my love for all of them. The reality of knowing now that life on this earth isn't forever and that none of us know how much time we have here makes me want to cherish my loved ones and spend as much time with them letting them know I cherish them. I don't like living 12 hours from my grown children and grandchildren now and I'm praying God will move us closer as soon as possible. Time is to short and to precious to waste since my Moma passed. I want to leave that same legacy of unconditional love that my Moma left to her children, etc. to my children, etc. and it's harder to do from a distance. Yes, I miss my Moma and it was hard letting go of her, but her passing has opened up my eyes and helped me to see what is really important to me now. Has your loved one's passing done the same for some of you? In a little while I'm going to get back in the pool and today I'm going to thank God for all of you who are also walking this grief journey for it truly is a blessing to know I am not alone in this anymore and that I can share what I am feeling and know that not only is someone listening but they are hearing and understanding what I am saying too. Babs

Hi everyone, I'm feeling really sad and lonely today and I felt the need to come to this place of refuge and comfort today. It's almost 4 months (on June 28th) since my mom passed away and I have made the trip back to visit with my children, grandchildren, and siblings. From my home in Jacksonville, FL I drove to Fort Walton Beach, FL and spent 3 days with one of my sisters and it was good to be with her for that time. She got Moma's dining room table, chairs, and hutch and seeing it first thing when I walked in her door was a comfort to me. We also are pretty even on our grief journey at this time so it was also a comfort to be with her too. On the 4th day I drove to Louisiana and my daughter's home here. My youngest granddaughter was so happy to see her Granny and that did wonders for my heart! Since getting here I have been busy helping my daughter and her husband move into their new home, doing this didn't give me time to think about my mom not being here anymore but now we are all settled in and today is my first day by myself and the grief is like a heavy fog surrounding me right now. My oldest sister (who lived with my mom) came to visit with me yesterday, and I guess that is what turned the grief switch on for me again. She wants me to come spend some time with her and I found myself making excuses for why I just couldn't come instead of telling her that I'm not ready to go back to Moma's house. Even though my sister bought it...it will always be Moma's house to me and I just am not ready to relive the memories that going back there right now would bring back to me. Two days ago my ex sister-in-law's (and dear friend)mom passed away in almost the same fashion as my Moma did and my sisters wanted me to go to the funeral home with them but I couldn't do that either and was glad I didn't even attempt it after I found out they put Priscilla's mom in the same viewing room as my Moma was in. It's so hard knowing that I will never be coming back to Louisiana to see my Moma again! My granddaughter said it so well to my daughter when she woke up in the middle of the night last night and told her moma she wanted to go home (to their old house)...that's how I feel right now to....I want to go home to my Moma, but my Moma doesn't live here anymore. It's also hard seeing how life goes on for everyone else...when you feel that life has stopped for you during the grief journey. It is clear to see that life didn't stop for my children or grandchildren after my Moma died...but alot of times I feel like I am just standing still while life is going on all around me. I am thankful that now and then I actually can feel some joy and happiness but sad at the same time that mostly I feel numb to everything happening around me. One day I want to be here seeing life going on in my children and grandchildren and the next day I just want to go back home and hide under the covers again. God has blessed me with a really nice swimming pool here at my daughter's new home and I find peace in being in that pool as much as possible for some reason. I think I have said this before but I need to say it again...I have always tried to find blessings in everything. And I want to be able to do this even during this grief journey. There is blessing in knowing that I love and am loved in return. Their is blessing in my 3 year old granddaugther's hugs and kisses and her wanting to cuddle up with her Granny at bedtime. There is blessing in the beauty God created all around me. As I lay on a float in the pool I can hear the cheerful songs of the birds singing to me, I can look all around me at the beauty of the bluest sky and the most vivid colors in the landscape all around me. A month ago I couldn't even see these things. So the biggest blessing is the hope that fills me at times and lets me know that I will be alright, I will get through this, and I will feel like living life to its fullest again! Babs

Maylissa and shell, Thanks for your responses. I agree with so much that you have said and appreciate the words of caution in some areas too. I also agree that although at one time I could juggle all this giving to my loved ones....it is not possible for me now....in fact it is me who needs some nurturing now and time to myself. But I also find I need to hug and love my children face to face right now and I feel the need to spend time with my siblings too. We talk on the phone and yes, while there are some differences, from talking to them, we also are sharing many of the same feelings, etc. in our grief. Maybe that's because all my sisters shared in the caregiving of our mom during those last months. Anyway, I'm going for a visit because I just need to see them all face to face right now. This might sound crazy, but in a way it's to assure myself that I have really lost them too...does this make any sense? It has sucked having all these things happen during my first year of marriage! Thanks for expressing it that way...that has brought me some freedom to say that this is exactly how I feel about it all at times! But it also has shown me what kind of man my husband is...and I definitely picked a winner this time. No, he can't be everything I need him to be right now...no one can ever be everything we need in any situation....but he has done an excellent job of trying to understand and be there for the most part. Now, he has things he has to do some grief work in too and we both need to give each other some time and space for a short "season". So I am going spend some time with my family in Louisiana and when I come back to Florida we have rented a Condo for a week at the beach to celebrate our 1st Anniversary and to just relax and take a break from all the stresses for a little while. We have both agreed not to have any expections of one another or to plan all kinds of things. We will just take one day at a time and enjoy each other away from everything and everyone that's a part of our daily lifes for one week. I have told my children that I am empty right now and I need their love and support at this time....and they said to come and let them take care of me for a change. That really touched my heart at this time! And I don't know about you'll but loving my granddaughters always brings joy to my heart. A blessing in the midst of my mom's passing is that a few weeks later my older daughter called me to let me know she is going to have a new grandbaby for us in November, she wasn't trying to have another baby and the baby was conceived during the last days my mom was alive. There's a saying that goes something like this, "Everytime God takes someones to heaven, He sents a new one to earth." And to me this new one is our new grandbaby...even in the midst of my grief....the thought of this blessing brings my heart joy! I'm also going to pick up a couple of the books mentioned on grief and spend time reading those while I am away from here. And since I will have access to a computer if I feel up to it you will probably hear from me again too. Again I have to say how glad I am that I found this place of peace and refuge where I can express myself freely and people actually understand and bring comfort as well as wisdom to me. In a way it's like coming home to the place that you feel loved unconditionally no matter what you are going through. For me, in my time of grief, that's what I need most of all! Babs

Mary Jo, I just wanted to send you a big hug this morning and tell you that you definitely are not walking alone here. I'm praying that you will be blessed with comfort and peace in knowing that there are others experiencing and walking along with you in all that you are going through. Much love this day, Babs

MartyT and Shell, Thanks so much for your responses. Yesterday I felt there was no where to turn and no one who would really understand, I guess all of us who are grieving feel that way at times. Your responses have helped me to see that there is help and understanding, even if it can't come from my new husband. And you are right MartyT..my mom's passing just opened the door to all that I need to grieve here. Just reading what you asked me to read this morning helps me see that I was so relieved to be free from the abusive situation in my past marriage that I didn't let my mind grief for the "death" of my 23 year marriage. I didn't let myself grief for the "death" of our family because I still had my children and grandchildren in my life on a daily basis. For so many years, my past marriage seemed to just consist of them and me anyway, so in many ways it just seemed that the bad was taken out of my life and the good left in it. Then later when I married my new husband, many changes came about. All of a sudden I moved to a different state, over 11 hours from my family. At first I felt relief to be away from the city and state where it seemed all my dreams had died. And even though I missed my children, grandchildren, and my mom and siblings that still lived there I was able to go back every couple of months and spend time with them. I thought I was adjusting to the changes just fine..until the deaths starting coming. First, one of my best friend's husband died of a massive heart attack and they had been married only 18 months, then the next month my oldest sister's husband died of massive heart attack, Next my mom's health problems started getting worse and I found myself having to travel back and forth to help with her caregiving every other month until she passed away 9 months later. I found myself trying to balance being a newlywed and good wife to my new husband; trying to adjust and help my children adjust to being so far apart in distance and not being able to see each other anytime we wanted anymore, trying to be there for my friend who lost her husband, and then for my sister who lost hers...and finally trying to be a caregiver to my mom too! On top of that as understanding and supportive as my husband was trying to be...he was dealing with some issues on his side of the family and with his children, etc..so of course I was trying to be what he needed too. I have always tried to be there when my loved ones needed me...it's just part of my nature as a nurturer. But after all that has happened in so short a time span...I find I can't be there for anyone right now. I need someone to be there for me. I thought it would be my husband, but after reading your replies to me...I understand that it probably isn't possible for him to do this even though I know he loves me and has been trying his best in this area. I wasn't able to see that all that I have gone through, he has also gone through in many ways. That's alot for anyone to deal with...but I'm sure it must be hard for a brand new husband to handle when he hasn't even been married a year and for more than half of that time his new wife has had to be apart from him because of all that has gone on. I thought when my mom finally passed and the funeral was over, etc. that I could finally come back and my husband and I could begin "our lives" together at last. But I don't think that's going to be possible the way I thought it would be. And I think at this time I need to go back and be with my loved ones who also are feeling the things I am feeling right now. My husband only knew my mom for a very short time..I don't expect him to feel the grief that I feel over her death or the other things that I am beginning to grieve over. But he has faced some losses to on his side and I believe that we both have some grieving to do here. I'm going to talk to him today about me going back to be with my family for awhile because I know they are grieving too and I think I need to be with them for a time right now. I'm sorry for this being so long...but your replies are opening the flood gates and allowing me to express what I have been holding in for so long it seems. Thank you for your help and understanding...right now it is a life line and a God sent to me. Babs

For those who don't know from another post....I lost my mom a few months ago. I am trying to deal with the grief from this but lately I am feeling completely overwhelmed by "grief"! Past and present! I don't really want to bring this up here...but I don't know what else to do. Grief doesn't come from just losing a loved one to death, it can also come from the death of a marriage, etc. Four years ago my marriage of 23 years ended in "death" because of abuse. After doing everything humanly and spiritually possible to save this marriage...I learned two very important things: One, you can't change anyone but yourself and two, it takes two to make a marriage..not one. I thought I had grieved the death of this marriage but now with my mom's death..all the pain and grief from this "death" is hitting me full force once again too. It's like everything just happened today all over again. The pain is overwhelming and it's affecting my relationship in my new marriage. My husband never expected to have to deal with these things in our first year of marriage...and neither did I....but I can't make them go away or pretend here. Help! Is this normal...reliving past pain and grief along with the present? Babs

that you are already facing in your life? Can your grief seem to make these other issues "unsolvable" now? Or is it just that because of your grieving you can't seem to handle anything else anymore? Babs

I'm so thankful I found this place! And so filled with peace that I no longer feel I am walking alone on the journey of grief with all its twists and turns. My husband and I just got back a short time ago from a dear friend's Memorial Service. He died a year ago (the 26th) of a massive heart attack and he and his wife (also our dear friend) were married only 18 months when this happened. A month after he died, my oldest sister's husband also died of a massive heart attack! It seems there has been a mountain of grief on my shoulders this past year and sometimes the only way I can deal with it all is just to hide under the covers and not come out until I feel strong enough to face whatever else may come. This week that whatever else came...my husband got a phone call that his much loved Uncle had passed away in his sleep and only two weeks before this, my husband's Uncle's only daughter unexpectedly died from an unknown cause. I have never met either of these relatives of my husband's but still I can feel the pain of his loss now too. This is the "craziness" of grief....just when you think you are getting a grip on how to handle it.....another wave of it knocks you off your feet again! My husband and I were just beginning to find a place of understanding on my journey from my mom's death and now we are both walking this grief journey...with very different ways of taking steps. The shaky sense of balance between us has turned into walking on eggshells around each other. It's really strange how you both can be griefing but in such different ways that you just can't seem to connect even in your grief. But at our friend's Memorial today our grief was on the same page and we felt connection between us once again. Grief is such a crazy rollercoaster ride and what makes it even worse is that you can't get on and off the ride when you want to. It's really hard being newlyweds and having to walk this path of grief too. I'm the kind of person who has always looked for the blessings in every situation I have ever faced....but lately this has been a very hard thing to do. Today my blessing is finding this forum and all of you who are walking the grief journey too. Thanks for listening to my ramblings... Babs

Well I don't know if our age affects the way we feel our lives have changed for the better or the worst after our loss....I can only answer for me and at 55 years old...I think the loss of my both of my parents now...has made me realize that I don't have forever to do what is really important to me like I used to think when I was younger and both my parents were still on this earth; I'm not as willing to pretend I'm interested in people or things that I really have no interest in any longer....not out of politeness or any other reason. I feel the clock ticking and I don't want to waste another moment of my life with things that really aren't important to me. Before the loss I felt I had all the time in the world for everything....now I really feel the necessity to make choices in my life because I know my time is limited now too. The hardest thing I'm dealing with since the loss of both my parents now...is the fact that before this happened I moved away from my children and grandchildren to marry my husband and begin a new life...and now that both my parents are gone, I feel that being so far from my children and grandchildren is not a good choice. I feel the need to be more of a part of their life than living at such a distance will allow me to be and I know that I am going to have to rethink my original choice here and find some ways to resolve this. Losing both my parents now has also made me realize that I am the next in line in my ancestral lineage. And I think about what I want to leave as an inheritance to my children and grandchildren and how I can leave a dent of goodness and love in this world too. There's no more well I have all the time in the world anymore...for me it's time to get serious and figure out if the priorities I had before the loss of both of my parents are still the priorities I want to have now. It's not like I don't think I can enjoy my life anymore....but there is the question of what will I leave behind to my childen and grandchildren, etc. that will impact their lives long after I am gone. To me it won't be so much material things as I hope to leave the legacy my mom left me....unconditional love and acceptance. I also want to leave my loved ones the legacy of my love for God and my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. I want to walk my talk in this area so that they have no doubt what was most important to my life. Before I was free to do whatever I wanted....while my parents set the example....now I feel I need to set the example and I want to set the right one. Babs

After reading all of your replies to me and so many others posts on this forum, I sat down with my husband last night and opened my heart to him. I told him that I now understood that he loved me and it hurt him to see me in pain and I understood that he was just trying take the pain away for me. I told him how much I loved him and appreciated his efforts but that if he really wanted to ease my pain then he could do that by asking me if there was anything he could do for me when he saw me in pain. I told him I needed to be free to grieve the earthly loss of my mom in my own way and my own time and that the greatest gift he could give me right now....was the freedom to do this. I told him hugs, and I love you's and a helping hand when I couldn't seem to accomplish the ordinary tasks that used to come easy for me would be so appreciated at this time. And I told him that praying for me and just listening when I needed to express a thought, etc. would be a big help to me at this time. I explained to him that if he could just not expect anything from me right now and just accept what I could give to him...then that would also make things alot easier during this "season" of my life. I talked to him about what helped him the most when he lost his first wife so many years ago and as he opened up about that crazy time in his life...he begin to understand what I have been trying to tell him. He shared how he felt he had nothing to give to anyone during that time and that he resented and actually withdrew from those who could not understand this. I shared here that this is why I had been doing the same thing with him...and "he got it!" I know there will be days he won't get it again but for the most part I believe he does know where I am at this point and that I just need to be able to be free to grief in my own way and my own timing. He didn't want to go back to that time of grief in his own life and that was part of the problem here as he shared with me that my pain and grief took him back to his...a place he didn't want to go again. In our honesty and openness...I believe we have a better understanding now and we both will have more peace with this process. I told him how thankful I was to have found this grief forum so that now I could share with others who have walked or are walking through this same journey and that by being able to do so I would not feel that he was the only one I could share my grief with. My husband and I live many states away from our extended families and are older newlyweds (our 1st anniversary will be July 30th of this year)and almost half of this time we were separated while I went back to my mom's home and helped for 6 weeks at a time with her caretaking. My husband was always supportive in my doing this even though it left him for weeks a time without his new bride. It was hard enough trying to build a relationship as husband and wife when you are there half the time and then to have to take a journey of grief and mourning in that first year of marriage....well it is a really hard thing to do too. I love my husband and since we are newlyweds I don't want to neglect our relationship even though I'm on this grief journey. So if any of you has any suggestions on how I could better balance things here...I would appreciate your input. Babs

I'm glad you were able to post today NancyM. I'm also glad that this place of comfort and refuge for those who are grieving exists and that I was able to find it. The pain of feeling alone in your grief and that no one can understand is to me as bad as the pain of grief itself. I have 5 sisters and 3 brothers who walked this journey of my mom's death with me and during the days up to her death we were all pretty much there for each other and for our mom. Even though we almost all live in separate states with our families, etc. those last few months when we knew moma was dying...we all came together and spent as much time with her and with each other as possible. My five sisters and I took turns taking care of moma so she could stay in her own home except for the few times she had to be hospilized to stabalize all the things that were going wrong with her body. My mom started out with diabetes that they diagnozed about 5 years ago. It progressed from her just having to balance her meals to her being on insulin the last six months of her life. The deteriation of her health just went downhill from one year to the next until in the final two years of her life we were given one death sentence after another. Her lungs started filling up with fluid and the Doctors thought she had lung cancer, but that turned out to be negative, instead the fluid was coming from her heart which was almost 100% blocked on one side and 90% blocked on the other side. She was almost 80 years old and her diabetes couldn't be stablized so there was no way they could operate to try to open up some of the blockage. Then they discovered she had a massive cancerous tumor in her left breast and she was to weak for any kind of agressive treatment or surgery. Every day we heard something new and the news was never good. Her blood sugar soared to 520 and they wanted her back in the hospital to try to stabilize it one more time. At this time all of her Doctors told her and us that they had done everything they could do and there was nothing else that would give her any kind of quality of life. Moma had already told us if it came down to that....she wanted to go home. So we asked the Doctors to call in Hospice and we told them we wanted to take our moma home by that afternoon. Hospice showed up within a couple of hours, and by the time some of my siblings brought moma home...a hospital bed was set up in her bedroom...pain meds and all she would need to keep her comfortable and pain free was being delivered to us and Hospice had explained to us what we would be facing, etc. She left the hospital on Wed. afternoon and the following Wed. afternoon she went Home to live with Jesus with all nine of her children at her bedside. Those last few days of her life my siblings and I told her all that was in our hearts and how much much we loved her and what a wonderful mom she has been to all nine of us. She loved to hug us in those last few days and even when she couldn't talk to us anymore...she would still give those hugs. My mom loved us all unconditionally...she was the one I knew who ever truly did that no matter how much we might have messed up in our lives. If there is anything I want to inherit from my mom...it is her unconditional love for others. Because I was one of my mom's caretakers for the last few years of her life I believed I was doing alot of my grieving as I watched the mom I once knew become just a shell of herself...I never dreamed that the grief I feel now would ever hit me this strong or with this much pain. Somedays just drawing a breath seemed to hurt. And I can't concentrate on much of anything or remember things. I went to the grocery store last week and wandered the aisles but couldn't seem to remember what to buy...finally I went to the frozen food section and filled up on frozen meals of every kind. I can't seem to remember how to cook the simpliest things right now, but my husband and I won't go hungry. Sometimes I can sleep all the time and sometimes I can't sleep no matter how tired I am. I don't want many people around me at this time and I don't want to go out and socialize. And I don't want to have to pretend anything for anyone right now. I cry mostly in private or in the shower...and I will often bury myself in a book or listen to music that is sad just like I am at this time in my life. I do believe in God and I do believe my mom is with Him right now and no longer sick, etc. but I miss her and I think of all the times I took her being around for granted and I wish that I had one more chance to show her how very much she meant to me. Babs

Shell and Amanda, Your kind and understanding words to me at this time in my life mean more than I can ever really express. Yesterday I felt I just could not take another day of this "craziness" and I prayed that God would give me comfort and show me that I was not alone in all that I was feeling. Later during this day God brought me to this forum and here I have been given a place of refuge to grieve in freedom and understanding. Thank you two so much for assuring me that this "season" in my life is perfectly normal. And for assuring me that others are going through this same "season" in their lives too. My husband is a good man...and he has tried to understand...and he actually thinks he is being helpful by saying things like, "Just let things roll off your back." or "If you just get out and have some fun, you'll forget all about it." I wish it were that easy! I feel thankful when I can just get out of bed and put one foot before the others some days or when I am able to get through the day actually having taken care of the things I feel needed to be done for that day. It's not that my husband can't understand...for he has been in this "season" too.... it's been over 25 years for him (he lost his first wife after routine gallbladder surgery and he was left to raise their two very young children and grieve at the same time).... I know it's not something he wants to look back on...it's just to painful for him to do this, even after all these years. I'm not asking him to look back and remember what pain grieving can bring....I'm just asking him to let me be free to grieve as I need to here. I miss the earthly presence of my mom, she is one of the few people I ever felt unconditional love from and there is so much I want to not forget about her. I'm going to read the things that others have written here....I'm sure I will find comfort and reassurance that this journey of grief may take different twists and turns for each of us but we are not alone on this journey and we are not "crazy" Babs

My mom passed away the first week of March of this year. Her death was a two year journey that I walked with her as one of her caregivers. Now that she is gone I feel like I have gone crazy! From one day to the next, sometimes one hour to the next...I don't know what emotion I am going to be dealing with. I am angry with my husband most of the time right now. He wants me to be this happy go lucky woman that always has a smile on her face and is always ready to enjoy life the minute he walks in the door from work...but I can't be that person for him at this time. We haven't even been married a year yet and he did not know my mom very long before she passed so I know he is not griefing her death as I am....and that's okay....what is not okay is for him to expect me to be able to be what he wants me to be for him at this time. There's just no way I can be! How can I make him understand that I can hardly help myself at this time..much less be what he wants me to be for him. Babs55