Mageestarr

I am ever grateful that everyone of you too the time to respond to my post. Thank you also for the suggestion of the book Motherless Daughters. I am sure that it will be first on my list next week. Reading your sentences made me realize how much we are not alone in this world. There are so many out there that experience all the feelings, heartaches, tears, loneliness, and longings that we do. It is comforting to know that we have a bond that has crossed miles. Pain is a strange bedfellow. I understand that it reaches out to everyone in different degrees and dimensions. For all of you that had the loss of the parent my sincerest and deepest sympathies go out to you. I understand that any loss is a difficult one but a parent is so different than anyone ever perceived it would be. I remember when my father passed away four years ago. I cried for him also and mourned his passing. He was my best friend for all the years since my childhood. He gave me so many wonderful lessons of life. Even though he was stern, he was also fair. His laughter and demeanor enveloped the room. He was so missed by everyone who knew him and even those that did not. Yet the loss was somehow different than this one. I talked to him every night and yes, I know that he answered me. I know that he listened to my stories and wiped my tears. I know that when I looked out the window and saw that white dove it was my father giving his approval on my new surroundings. It was the comfort that I needed. He was always there on my shoulder along with the other angels. Yet, I somehow expected that it would be the same with my Mother. So it is a matter of time. Time heals all. I am not sure about this one. The words that I want to scream out seem to be lost in the pit of my throat. I want something to happen. I wait for it to be so. I want the white dove to come to me in a pair...

I am trying to wrap my head around the death of my Mother. It has been three weeks since she died. I was with her when she passed away and realized that it was more difficult than I could have ever imagined. My Mother had advanced Alzheimer's. From the onset of her disease I watched her deteriorate from a vibrant beautiful woman to an old woman who in her 85 years would have been devastated had she known what had happened to her. I must say that yes, in essence, I did lose my Mother a while ago. Well, at least, as far as she was concerned. She stopped recognizing me many many months ago. When I entered the dining room on Thanksgiving day she looked at me and said my name. My heart stopped for a split second. I was so happy and the tears just streamed down my face. It was over as quickly as she had spoken the name. She continued to mumble her words again. That was incredible for me. However I must also admit that was the last time that my Mother spoke at all. Shortly after that around the first of the month, she went into the hospital and then into rehab where she stayed until the end of December. At the time of her rehab exactly one week before Christmas Mother went into a coma state where she stopped eating and did not open her eyes. She was in the beginning stages of the end of her life. It was hard to watch her as I knew that she would never again be conscious enough to look at me. I had to deal with this in the best fashion that I knew. Since I had already made the plans for the holiday I went ahead with them. I managed to spend the days before my departure with my Mother wishing her a Merry Christmas, talking to her about anything and everything, and telling her the final goodbyes. Well in life she was a lady who did things on her terms and her way. In her death it would be the same. She was put into hospice on the Tuesday after Christmas and stayed there until she passed away. However I did come home on the Monday after New Years and spent the next few days with her in hospice. Her condition had not changed outwardly but inwardly she was dying. The only thing keeping her alive was the nasal oxygen. The rest of her body was going into the state of failure. I raced to her side and looked at her. Suddenly I realized that she was the most peaceful that I had seen her in years. It was amazing to me that after all that she had gone through... her mind loss, her many mini strokes, her falls, she had been a survivor. She was blessed to be in no pain. I was not blessed... as I was in much pain. She held my hand, squeezed it so tight and I realized it was the moment that her soul was leaving her body. On that Wednesday afternoon I sat watching Mother draw her last breadth. I guess it was only fair that her first born would be with her in her death. From that moment I was so saddened. Had I said all the right things to her? Had I talked about everything that I should have? What had I missed in our conversations? What was I going to do without her? What had happened to us in all the years since her disease took over? Why did I not have more time? The millions of questions reared in my head. For the first time I knew that the end of the era had come to pass. Now I truly had lost both my parents. I thought that it was going to be easy. She had lead a great life. It was now over. She could be at rest. I knew that it was not easy at all. Not one moment since she had passed have I gotten the peace that I wanted. I think about her constantly, dream about her nightly, and break down all the time. I think that perhaps there was something different that I could have done. Yet, I know that is not the case. I also know that the full closure has not happened as yet. Next week I shall be burying her ashes next to my Father's. Perhaps that will bring me something more in the way of finality. Does this happen to daughters when they lose their Mothers? Is this the pattern of life? Are we in the jungle of mixed emotions and prayers and cannot see the light? Where are we exactly? I get so confused. She left me so long ago in her mind. I really had lost her then or had I? Yes I guess there was always a chance that she might have briefly recognized me again. I don't have any answers at all. I try to find them but they elude me.I miss her so much all the time now. I miss all of her. I know that she must have wanted to say something to me before she died. I have to believe that. She did open her eyes for a few minutes. I noticed that they were gray and blank. Her beautiful brown eyes were gone. I wondered what was behind them? I thought or should I say had hope that there would be a miracle that day in that room. I was hoping for the wrong thing. It never happened. I rather knew it would not. She closed her eyes, never to open them again. Did I think that perhaps she wanted to tell me something? Maybe I should draw on that and keep that thought blazed into my heart. Coping with this is not easy for me. It has been by far the most difficult of time. I never dreamed that it would be like this. I truly thought that I was prepared for her death. How wrong can one person be? If I had one wish, one only...it would be to have her answer the phone one more time with that infectious laugh...I miss her so much...I love her so deeply...