swedishfish

One of my family members is about to lose her father to a deadly cancer. It's been a long time since his diagnosis, but his health is now on the fast decline and she is staring reality in the face. I have told her that I am here for her no matter what she needs, any time. Is there anything else I can do for her in this time? It seems as if there is nothing appropriate to say in this time, so I know I tell her all the time I am here for her, and try not to bring him up unless she does.

Any thoughts? It seems like he only has a few weeks left..

You really think so? I'm trying to put myself in his shoes.. to receive a card from someone you barely speak to... I don't want him to think anything of it except that i'm thinking of him during this time of year, knowing how difficult a time it may be.

Angel,

How would you feel getting a note from someone who you still don't really have a friendship with anymore?

thank you for replying. It didn't hurt to ask to get opinion, but I do think you are very right on this one.

I am thinking of him, and his family. He knows.

So the time of year is coming again that I know is hard on him...

I don't know if it's the right thing to send anything again...

He and I talk when we bump into each other, but not on any bit of a regular basis at all.. still awkwardness between us in general..

thoughts?

So the time of year is coming again that I know is hard on him...

I don't know if it's the right thing to send anything again...

thoughts?

My sister in law's father was diagnosed with Pancreatic cancer a little over a year ago. He luckily was able to get rid of the cancer and has been in remission for over a year now. Unfortunately last week, she got the news that the cancer is back and has spread slightly. We all know that with this cancer, it is only a matter of time before he will pass away. We have all been very optimistic, hopeful & joyful that he has been able to be healthy this past year, but now the news has created a reality check.

I've told her already that I am here for her for whatever she needs, and I also told her I don't know what to say, so I can just listen. Is there anything else I can do to support her in this time where she really will have to see the deterioration of her dad?

Thanks for your advice.

Thank you Mary & Faith.

In it, I wrote "thinking of you during this difficult time of year" and then added "I didn't understand what you must have been dealing with and going through. I am sorry I wasn't more empathetic.. I hope you are finding peace"

He thanked me for the card and told me that I wasn't un-empathetic.. he didn't really talk about his dad passing much, it wasn't anything with me...

He hasn't reached out to me since and that's okay. That makes sense to him and I just wanted him to know I was there if he needed someone.

That's how that went.

Do you all think that getting into a new relationship was a good "distraction" and now that he is back alone he is feeling the pain of loss all over again? especially if his friends said he never really grieved...

trying to understand the loss. I know one day I will have to deal with the same thing, for now trying to understand from those who have been through loss.

I think similar to what I did, just let him know you are thinking of him.

I think it's important to just let your new friend know you are his friend and are there for him to listen if he needs you. He may talk, he may not, but at least he can know that there is safety in discussing it with you.

I ran into him today and he thanked me for the card. He said that was really nice of me. He seemed to be genuinely happy that I sent it.

Thanks Aquarius. I sometimes question things that I do.. A little bit of "buyers remorse" but whatever the words would be for actions... I felt this was a good thing and had no regret. Hope you are finding peace.

I sent the card out yesterday. He should be receiving it today. I feel good about it.

I know he is probably feeling poorly. I hope he sees people cares about him in his times of need.

thanks for all your replies.

I sent the card out today. I feel good about it, thanks to all your replies.

thank you.

Thank you MartyT and thank you KayC for your responses to help me with a better perspective.

thank you for your replies.

If anyone else has any insight, please share.

I am sorry for those that have lost parents and have experienced huge loss. I have not had to deal with this yet, but I am an empathetic person and know any loss is hard. I am making a post to get perspective from those of you that have lost a parent or a loved one.

I met a great man 4 months after his father passed away, unexpectedly in his sleep, after getting a clean bill of health from his doctor a few weeks before.

We had a really great relationship and for the first 6-7 months, you would have no idea that he had any sadness in his life... at about 7 months, things started to change dramatically and it coincided with what was the 1 year anniversary of his fathers death. We stayed together for the next few months, however, he started to fall into depression and "felt flat".. It seemed as if he realized that he wasn't ready for handling what a relationship holds, he wasn't happy with his life and couldn't give me what I need emotionally.... ultimately letting out relationship go.

I was supportive when he was depressed, however, he was very very hesitant to speak of his father and would drop the subject. His friends say he never actually "grieved" verbally with anyone and rarely talks about his dad with them either. There was no burial, just a service, then ashes spread on the one year anniversary.

He included me in the dinner he had with his mom and sister on the 1 year anniversary, but none of them cried. Just said a prayer. I felt awkward being there, because it was so personal, but he wanted me to be there. Looking back, I definitely could have been more supportive, but I didn't know how or if he was hurting, as he had so many walls up about it.

My question is this: Grief and loss of a parent is a very difficult thing to handle, I know I can say with confidence, even without experiencing it personally. Is it inappropriate to get in a relationship with a new partner when you are dealing with this loss, so soon after? I realize that these feelings of guilt, grief & anger resurfaced after our "honeymoon" phase ended, it was a lot for him to handle, and led to a demise in our relationship (among other things, but this is the matter at hand) and as I realize this now, I want to get more understanding about getting into a relationship so soon... for those of you that lost, could you imagine getting into a relationship? or did you? How do you think it would affect you?

thanks in advance.

thank you.

I think that would be very appropriate and kind. Anniversaries of the death date, birthdate, etc. are very hard. People often don't know what to do so they tiptoe around it...it's not like the survivor can ever forget, and sometimes it means a great deal for someone to just acknowledge their grief and let them know they are there for them should they ever want anyone to talk to. Listening is a great skill.

thank you... do you think those few words are enough?

A male friend lost his father in April of 2009 suddenly in his sleep. I had met him a few months after the death where we instantly connected and started spending every day together. He never talked about it much, and seemed to be getting on okay... It wasn't until the 1 year anniversary that I started to notice changes. He become more "flat" and distant from his friends, retreating to his apartment and shutting down. I tried to offer help, but he ended up pushing me away too a few months later. I never really acknowledged his grieving, as it didn't seem as if he was taking it very hard until the 1 year mark, and then I realized how much pain he must have been dealing with. I think he was distracting himself for so long, that the pain finally caught up with him.

Since he's pushed me away, I've been reading a lot about loss and I truly empathize and understand the hurt he must have been feeling. I don't understand it first-hand, but I can say I've learned and sympathize.

I was considering sending him a "thinking of you" card for the upcoming 2 year anniversary, but I don't know if it's appropriate or not. I was just going to write "thinking of you during this difficult time of year" and that's it. I want to let him know in some way that he can talk to people about it, if he needs to.. that people haven't forgotten, and in a way, I am sorry for not acknowledging his pain.

Any thoughts appreciated. Thank You.

A male friend lost his father in April of 2009 suddenly in his sleep. I had met him a few months after the death where we instantly connected and started spending every day together. He never talked about it much, and seemed to be getting on okay... It wasn't until the 1 year anniversary that I started to notice changes. He become more "flat" and distant from his friends, retreating to his apartment and shutting down. I tried to offer help, but he ended up pushing me away too a few months later. I never really acknowledged his grieving, as it didn't seem as if he was taking it very hard until the 1 year mark, and then I realized how much pain he must have been dealing with. I think he was distracting himself for so long, that the pain finally caught up with him.

Since he's pushed me away, I've been reading a lot about loss and I truly empathize and understand the hurt he must have been feeling. I don't understand it first-hand, but I can say I've learned and sympathize.

I was considering sending him a "thinking of you" card for the upcoming 2 year anniversary, but I don't know if it's appropriate or not. I was just going to write "thinking of you during this difficult time of year" and that's it. I want to let him know in some way that he can talk to people about it, if he needs to.. that people haven't forgotten, and in a way, I am sorry for not acknowledging his pain.

Any thoughts appreciated. Thank You.