ubermagnifiko

Kayc, thank you for your kind words. This forum has really helped me get through this situation and react in the best possible way I can. My instincts were to call her, go over to her house, write her friends, yada yada... but reading other people's threads and the replies from what I've posted really helped guide me along the right path. This is only the 2nd time since last week where I've thought about the whole situation and made me sad 'a little', a major improvement from being depressed about the whole thing 24/7... I've been working out hard and I'm definitely seeing results which is doing wonders on my self esteem! The weather has been amazing where I've been, and because I'm out in the sun whether it's working out or driving in a topless Jeep Wrangler I'm starting to get some sun even, in early April! Also I've started to help coach a 10-12 soccer team of coed players and it's really fun so far. Work is busy and I'm starting the process to register for my Master's and studying for certifications to build up my resume. I also have 10+ concerts I'm lined up to see and that doesn't include a 3 day music festival in the summer... not to mention all the travel I'll be doing with friends over the summer, so needless to say there is a lot on my plate to keep me busy, which is exactly what I need. It's just random moments when I see a couple that reminds me of my previous relationship that gets me down, but it just shows me that I am ready commit and have a big heart. Again, thank you for your kind words and I wish you all the best!

Quick update: it's been 2 weeks since I've updated. Long story short, she's ignoring me and all of our mutual friends, but not her friends. At this point I have no idea how her mom is doing, or how even my GF is, but on Facebook it seems like everything is fine. I am leaving out a LOT of details but my family and friends agree that this is the case after several weeks of analyzing it. I've spoken to a lot of people (two therapists even) and they seem to agree as well. I wish her no ill will and I hope she and her family are doing better, but I can't worry about her and her family if she doesn't want me to be a part of her life. It's almost been a month since I've seen her, and 3 weeks since we've talked on the phone. Since then I can count on one hand the amount of texts I've received from her, all vague and distant. Since then she's had friends visit from distant countries, she's gone to a relatively far city to help a friend move, and gone out to several parties, but is unable to send me a simple text or call me to give me an update. Definitely a red flag. My only reaction to this whole situation was to focus on me, since that's all I can really affect anyway. Since I found out about her mom (early this month) I began working out and eating healthy, and so far I've lost 12 pounds. It all started with me walking to work and back, then slowly changing my diet, to slowly adding extra walks into my schedule, to finally adding visits to the gym. I am hooked. It is such a stress reliever and I feel fantastic! One last thing, as far as I'm concerned, we're broken up. This doesn't mean I'm going to run off and get a rebound, but this does mean that if any other opportunities come along, I'm going for it without regrets. Of course I'm going to wait some time, but I think waiting another month is fair before I "really" move on. And at this point I'm not sure if I even want to be with her (more as a friend I should say) until I can gain her trust again. I know that sounds harsh but it's the truth. But of course IF she calls me I'll be there for her no matter what, but as a friend. I still care for her, a lot, and who knows what the future holds. I just know that right now it doesn't look so good for "us", but as individuals it's looking brighter. I just wanted to share this update with anyone reading this thread. Unless there are any other developments regarding this matter, I probably won't update this thread again.

Writing really has helped me out so far, and I think today will be one of the better days I've had in a while. I just got up and I'm about to leave for work so we'll see.

I know what you mean when you have no more trust left. After my very ugly breakup I had no trust in any relationships from that point on for several years, but deep in my heart I've always wanted a relationship to work out. I can't imagine losing a spouse, and with the rate of all my close friends getting nasty divorces, it seems like the most common thing they say to me is "never get married" in the first place. The hopeless romantic in me believes that somehow no matter what the situation is, there's always some form of love they are able to find within someone else, regardless of how long it may last. In my heart I hope you do find someone when you least expect it. But there is nothing wrong with being content on staying alone. I know I was like that for a while and I completely support you if that's how you feel, I just hope you change your mind Today and yesterday were probably the two hardest days I've endured so far since this whole ordeal. At work it was really hard concentrating on work, but I'm starting to see improvements. I am getting better at not checking my emails, texts or missed calls to see if she wrote... or hoping to see her smiling face waiting outside of my apartment when I come home from work to surprise me. I talked to a friend of mine I haven't spoken to in a while, and after telling her my situation she told me that when she found out her dad had leukemia that she was distraught and couldn't think rationally. Her priorities were focused mainly on family and all of her friendships/relationship were put on the back burner. She told me to chin-up and not stress it as much as I am, and that she will call. It seems like this is what the majority of people are saying to me, but it's just so difficult for me to just accept it without being cautious. I can't allow myself to be hurt again, and it feels like this is the best way to approach it. I feel like I'm acting rationally, and that it's good to be cautious to avoid getting hurt if that's the case. I've decided to write an email that I will probably never send to her, but in it is everything I wish I could say to her right now if we were face to face. It's neither a sad or an angry message, but more so things I've noticed about myself whenever I'm with and without her. Like telling her how I love our story how we got back together after all these years, and how these past few months I've loved introducing things to her life that she's never experienced before but loves after trying them (Indian/Mexican food, margaritas, tons of music, tv shows like 'Modern Family'...etc). Her quality of life has definitely improved, and up till the day before her mother had a brain aneurysm we were perfect together. Typing that just now brought me some peace. I am definitely falling for this girl, and somehow all these years I've known her... I knew I would. I just hope I have an opportunity to tell her all of this. But until then, I'm just going to wait. I just hope her mother is doing ok... I'm really scared about the condition of her mother. I honestly would give up my relationship with her if it would somehow bring her mother back to full health. I care about her that much.

KayC, I'm so sorry for your loss. When my parents were divorced my mother was beyond upset because she was really close with her in-laws as well. My mother pretty much was the rock for every family member on my father's side and really brought healing to the family. When Oma died (my dad's mother), my mom felt the same way you did... by grieving alone while the immediate family grieved together. Of course I was with my mother, but my mom still felt like she wasn't part of the family which is just ridiculous. My mother loved Oma, and vice versa. My mother eventually remarried shortly after my father remarried, and now I'm no longer worried about my mother. She still loves my father's family of course, but she has moved on and is happy with her new life. I don't know what your plans are as far as what you want your future to be, but I just want to let you know that my mother went through what you did, and after she persevered through the hard times she eventually found happiness. I pray you find peace and happiness. As far as calling the hospital... I have no idea which hospital my GF's mother is in, or if she's even in one still. I live in Germany and my GF and her family are all Germans... and I think whenever there's a family crisis that it's very private and personal. It's almost like they're ashamed and have to hide it from everyone. It's a part of their culture I haven't had much experience with, and while trying to research it I'm not having any luck. That's why I joined this forum looking for some sort of guidance and support as far as a generic boyfriend is concerned, which is working. I feel silly that I'm pouring my emotions on a website, because when I look at what the Libyans, New Zealanders and Japanese people are currently going through, it seems like those are REAL problems. Me being insecure with my role in my GF's life seems pretty insignificant in comparison. These are hard times, for everybody it seems. Uber

Here's an update for everyone who's paying attention to my situation... On my way home from work yesterday (Friday) I got my first text from my GF since Monday... It said that her mom was coming home from the hospital!! The text was also written in a very cheerful/flirty way and she said she would call me later in the day to give me an update. I was ecstatic. It seems like her mom is doing better and will be fine... I think. However, she never called and it's past 8pm the following day. I wrote her an email saying that I think her relatives are visiting her family now and that they're all busy spending time with the mother. I also mentioned that I know she's going through a lot right now (her favorite uncle was hospitalized last month, her cat was attacked by another animal, recently contracted the shingles, had to study intensely for frequent exams, and her best friend's 2 year anniversary of her mother passing away from a brain aneurysm was a few weekends ago). I told her I understand that she needs to deal with these things, and that to not hesitate to call me if she needs anything and left it at that. However, her not talking to me now is making me worried something bad happened again. And the truth is, I miss her so much. I've been fighting the urge to call her all day, but I know I need to give her space and that I need to wait for her to call me. But like my mom said, "waiting is the hardest part"... it definitely is. I just hope that the reason why my GF isn't responding to my texts (I've stopped sending them since last night) or hasn't called is because of happy family time, and not because something happened to her mom and she's back in the hospital. I'm doing the best I can, but I can't help if my mind wanders while I'm sitting in the dark not knowing what's going on. I will say that writing on this forum has really helped me get through this situation. I just hope that the next time I write here I have some more good news...

MartyT, thank you for that article. I read it and I just couldn't help but think how sad it must be to lose someone you dearly love and live the rest of your life without. To live without them with a hole in your heart that will take the rest of your life to slowly heal to me sounds so... so depressing... When my grandmother died (we called her "Oma" since we have Dutch roots) my father took it the best he could. He's the youngest of four siblings and even though he's considered the "baby" of the family he had to be strong for the rest of the family. I took her death well because I was prepared for it, and even though I miss her so much... I know where she is now and she's not in any pain anymore. That is what gave closure for me and I can live happily and remember the fond memories I have of Oma. My parents or brother, however, I don't think I'll ever be ready for. My parents were in their very early 20s when they had me so they're relatively young. I expect to live the majority of my life interacting with them on a regular basis rather than without them. Any unexpected deaths would surely tear me apart. My parents, although divorced and have remarried, are still really good friends. They're my best friends and I see them on a regular basis. Without any of them, life would never be the same for me. And I know this is what my GF is going through now, and I'm getting a better understanding of this entire situation and how to react. Again, thank you for the article. Uber

Telling her I miss her probably wasn't the best thing to tell her, you're right. That's why I'm writing to this forum, it's just so difficult to know what to do. You come up with these plans that have the best intentions, but once you act them out you immediately regret it. Right now I'm totally in the dark as far as what the status of her mom is. I called my brother last night night and told him what's going on and asked him to write her just to say hi (and not mention me or her mother). They were best friends once and I thought another friend of hers being available to her would be nice. Don't worry I wouldn't let my brother try to talk to her on my behalf. Anyway, I'll post updates as they come. In the meantime I'll do my best to be happy without her and to be available if she ever needs me. I know I'm not being tossed aside, but I can't help it that that's how it feels like sometimes.

Before I dive in I'll give you a brief history of my life... my senior year in high school was the changing point of my life (almost 8 years ago). Before then I wasn't popular but I wasn't ignored by everyone either, but in high school I came out of my shell and it became one of the best times of my life. I was a party animal but I was able to keep my virginity. Freshman year in college I met my first "love" and she took my virginity, but I didn't take hers. Needless to say I was very attached to her, more so than she was to me. With her being in the states and me living in Germany it really put a strain on our relationship. After our inevitable and very ugly breakup I became mad at the world, more at "love" to be more specific. I became a player and tried to increase my total number of "conquests" as I could. On this dangerous and stupid path I met my current girlfriend, except this was 5 years ago and we didn't date then. She was my brother's best friend at the time and she and I had one casual hookup (no sex). I've always had a crush on her and loved the thought of being with her, and really considered changing my ways. Unfortunately when I told my brother, he didn't take the news well and forbade me from being with her. I stopped being friends with her without explanation, and she took it very badly. A year passed and that's when I decided to go against my brother and try to get with her. She simply thought I was trying to get another round of seconds and then totally drop her like I did before. She began dating someone and was steadily with him for 4 years. He was the type that was very jealous and eventually brainwashed her to deleting all of her male friends from Facebook. No one heard from her for years. I was depressed, and resumed my path that I was willing to give up for her. I regretted what I did to her and vowed that if I ever met someone like her that I'd never let anyone or anything stop us from being an "us". I eventually stopped thinking about her for the most part, but every few months or so I'd wonder how she was doing. Then, in January of this year I get a message from her. I thought I saw a message from a ghost. She told me she recently broke up with her bf and was getting in contact with everyone she deleted. At the time my brother was visiting me and I told him about the message. He is a different person now and encouraged me to be with her. Turns out I live about 5 minutes away from where she lives, so that made me very excited. Within a few weeks we began dating, and we were able to have closure of what happened between us the last time. Life was great. Then, a few weeks ago after a snowboarding trip she contracted the shingles. I give her space to heal and also space to study for some very large exams for her college. I didn't see her at all for that entire week, and that next weekend she spent it with her best friend. It was the 2 year anniversary of her best friend's mother passing away from having a brain aneurysm. She kept canceling our plans for either study time, friend time or family time (which I've had no problems with an actually encouraged her to spend. I'm only mentioning this to show we haven't been together recently.) Then the following week (last week) we finally saw each other and had a simple dinner date. She fought to make the date happen because it was canceled so many times. It was a great time and as I dropped her off at home she gave me the best goodbye kiss I've ever had. I was happy to see her and was looking forward to spending the weekend with her. Then it goes downhill from there. From Thursday until Sunday she is very brief and slow in writing me back, which is very unlike her. I start to text her and tell her how I felt (which I never do in relationships, but felt with her I should because I want it to work) and tell her that I think she's avoiding me. I don't get a response from her at all and doesn't answer her phone when I call. I thought she took what I said personal and became mad at me. The next day (Mon) she sends me a text saying I'm paranoid for no reason and that she'll call me later to explain. When I get home from work she calls me and tells me her mom had a brain aneurysm on Thursday and was trying to deal with that while trying to study and pass some large exams. I felt like the biggest jerk in the world, and very selfish. I told her to not worry about me and to focus on being with her mom. Today is the day either her mom gets tests run or she finds out the results of her tests to find out what the total damage is. I'm not sure what to do. She hasn't communicated back to me since that phone call on Monday, and I'm starting to miss her. It pains me to leave her alone like this, but I get the feeling this is what she wants. I'm just scared for the following things to happen: - her mother has passed away or will pass away soon - her mother will never be the same if she survives the surgeries - my GF will take this event traumatically and will push me away The gist of my post is that this woman was able to get me to want to settle down and stop my bachelor ways... twice. I'm willing to do anything for her, and prior to last Thursday she felt the same way. We were convinced she'd move in with me one day (not rushing it though) and maybe even get married. I'm just scared that she's pushing me away now and will never see me the same way again. She's German, and part of me knows that when there's a family crisis that it's very personal and within the family. However, the other part of me is afraid I'll be hurt again and that she'll break up with me depending on what happens with her mother. I'm scared of the path I might lead if this break up happens. I read the forums from Tin and Lewis, and I've seen some comforting advise. I just hope someone reads my story and will be able to relate with me and tell me what they experienced and what they should have done in hindsight. I love this girl, and I am dying to hold her again. I'm just scared to tell her this. I just sent her a simple text saying I'm there for her no matter what time of day. My plan is to wait for her to contact me. I just don't know how long I should wait and what I should do if I don't hear from her for a week. Besides seeing her once last week, I haven't seen her for almost 4 weeks. This is one of the hardest things I've endured in a long time.