Den

STARKISS Thanks for your kind words and supportive sharing. I feel much better seeing the responses and I am having a good evening (actually it is 12 midnight!) after dealing with a rough morning. I find it amazing how I am affected by the positive things people say as well as the negative and I am making an effort to be more loving and kind to myself so I can avoid being depressed and anxious. I've been there and hate it! It is a new day and I feel fortunate that this one ended on an upbeat, a doctor's visit went well, I had tea and company with a girlfriend, my sad mood this morning left by early afternoon once I had a chance to tell a few people about my feelings and tonight I had a decent evening watching TV and slowly working on organizing my new apartment. Fortunately, my difficulties are specific but not continuous and I am learning more and more how to harness my thoughts, acknowledge them, deal with my emotions and regain my balance. I am healing and growing and when I don't feel bad or sad YES! When I do I work to get through it. My mother's death is so recent I have no idea how to process it so I am doing it slowly and still asking people who try to console me to allow me to grieve my way at my pace. The blessing of today is the gratitude I feel having had the chance to be part of my mother's life. I longed for more of a connection with her but hey that didn't happen but I did get to be in the presence of a simple, salt of the earth, survivor and I carry the legacy of her strength into my future and appreciate the love she had for fabric and knick knacks and as I heal my relationship with my father through understanding and forgiveness I am able to appreciate it all. My father used to terrify me with his loud rages that were peppered with religious dogma but in the past six months that fear has subsided. Consequently, I am able to be more selective with who I associate with because that stuff with my father is now 'old business'. I am so sorry you are dealing with the aftermath of realizing you were sexually and emotionally abused by your father and with depression, anxiety and diabetes. My counselor told me years ago to put somethings on the 'shelf' rather than trying to deal with too much at one time. She told me it was still mine but I could pace myself. I thank her for that technique. I am doing that with my life right now. I am choosing the amount of stress and trauma and grief to deal with, shelving the rest for perhaps another time and regaining my balance and love of life. I wish you light, love, peace and serenity. Den.

MartyT Perhaps the strangest thing my mother's death has done is it is making me more aware of how much I want to be my authentic self. I have a great neurologist, primary physician, podiatrist and counselor and that team has come after years of dealing with unkind, insensitive and often cruel medical professionals. I want to focus on organizing my creative art center (right now most of my things are in storage but I am slowly getting it functional) and finish organizing my new apartment. After the MRI and that discomfort I am holding off from the spinal tap and working on forgiving myself. That might sound odd but I have felt my illness so upset my family members they seemed to feel I was trying to get special attention and they decided (for the most part) to not give me any. I attended a MS support group years ago for awhile but one of the cruel things about this and similar chronic illnesses they are so difficult to diagnose and difficult to adjust to so at times I have not been the gentle person I want to be and shame and guilt were never far from me. But with my mum dying I feel I have to or perhaps I want to be kinder to myself because of all the members in my family she was the only one who consistently helped me financially without becoming bitter and tired of me. Other siblings, like some friends become impatient with someone who is going to need help and support for the rest of his/her life. Even I was fed up with me! So, at first I decided to ignore the fatigue issue that comes with the illness and do what I can to generate income using my talents. But that hasn't worked. Seeing my mother in the hospital dying in front of me, not able to breathe, in pain, unable to unbend her knees, looking scared and confused haunts me because my illness comes with certain conditions that might lead me in a similar direction. So, now my goal is to love myself more, to work less at being right and more on being me. I have had a very tumultuous life (four country immigrant, preacher's kid, etc) and somehow missed out on just being happy for happiness sake but gained determination, resilience, creativity, a global perspective and passion. As soon as I shared my story I felt free and now I will continue to discover what I want, who I am and what life can offer. I bless the fact my mother was in my life and she in mine and thank you for taking the time to be kind and respond. Den

Rachel How kind your response was. Thank you. I am healing, learning to let my grief be my guide and learning the stillness of the heart in solitude can be a blessing - I am also learning to see the amazing people in my life who I don't want to infringe on with my needs but who I am learning to appreciate for the love they do show. It is such a strange experience. I keep reminding myself that it is really very personal and intimate and although words can share some of the sentiment the soul and spirit seem to be in control of the experience right now and I am glad to say 'it is well with my soul' and that is helping in so many ways. Again, thank you for your kind words. I am finally understanding a new normal. It is not anything like what I have been through in the past but my past has given me many fundamental tools to use so I can discover, grow, listen and become comfortable in the memories of love, in the myriad of emotions, in the strength of feeling blessed that although my mother and I were not ever close I was given that gift of being in her life and she in mine and I treasure that - along with a new relationship with my 92 year old father. I never knew what life was until my mother died. I still can't fully comprehend either but my curiosity has been peaked and something strangely beautiful and profound has been planted and is beginning to emerge. Love, light, laughter and thank you for your kindness. Den

Since September of last year I have been on a downward spiral of continual loss. First, there was a hostile takeover that destroyed more than five years of work building a cultural arts center. Then, my mother became ill and I was asked to oversee the final decisions and get legal signatures to be able to work with healthcare providers in a different state. I returned home to find all the artwork, supplies and writings I had managed to save after the hostile takeover thrown away into open and exposed garage bays. Friends helped me salvage as much of my art and belongings as possible and then began a crazy five month saga of moving things in and out of storage trying to keep up with the additional costs. Within a month returning from being with my mother she died and I returned to Florida (a 2000 miles return journey from Newport News, Virginia to Ft. Lauderdale, Florida and that meant I had to make that journey two times alone in less than a month and a half). After I returned home I began new tests working with my neurologist to see if we could get a definitive diagnosis for MS and at the same time I moved from the community I had lived in for more than four years and now I barely have the energy to keep unpacking and organizing my home and I haven't begun to tackle the mess in storage. Oddly enough I feel like a failure. I had thought my first trip to Florida would have resulted in a miracle with my mother bouncing back from dementia, failure to thrive and a stroke. I thought if I tried hard enough, prayed and was a good daughter she would be infused with a strong desire to live long enough for me to get to know her. Now, I feel lost and I can't find the energy to grieve and work on regaining a hold and handle on my business that is too much right now....but...the lack of adequate income is making it hard to keep my head above water. Sometimes I feel brilliant, smart, feel I have a healthy grasp then...someone triggers a wave of insecurity and self hate that I thought I had healed from years ago and every month so far I find myself crying on the 27th the day of her death. Den