Where'dSheGo?

It is all so horrible no matter how you slice it...we will never be the same.

Hi Lori, The bathroom analogy is interesting and makes alot of sense. I could see her wanting it that way anyway. She would have wanted to spare me from seeing it happen. And at least I told her I loved her and gave her a kiss when I left. You didn't have that and I feel so bad for you. That must have been so horrible. I'm sure your husband's last conscious moment was one of concern about you and how much he loved you! You should take some comfort in knowing that. Phil

Hi Becky, Your story really is very similar. What you both went through is very horrible. I think head and neck cancer has to be the worst. There is just so much going on in that area, and it is especially sensitive to the radiation. I read your bio and I think that squamous cell carcinoma is very vicious and aggressive. it is hard to believe that what we thought was just a tooth problem, did her in in just 11 months. Jeanne was never sick, but she used to say if you can get through your fifties, you have a good shot at living long as these things happen more around then. We also had a second home...in South Carolina, that we got to use a few years. We were going to retire there. I'm going back in July and it's going to be very difficult seeing her things there. I find myself feeling worse as the shock wears off and you can think more clearly about what happened...and what I don't have any more. I met Jeanne in 10th grade history class and it's sure empty without her. I think it will get worse for us before it gets better, so hold on tight and just hang in there! The first year of holidays is horrible, and I made it through Easter and Memorial day now. Definitely find a support group. Your hospice should have one, and it is very helpful being with people who are in the same boat as you and can understand what you are going through. The loneliness is the worst, and you do think about and question whether you still have a life anymore. The hole is huge but we will somehow have to get through it! This website is great and the people here are awesome! Phil

Hi Carol Ann, Thank you so much for your words of encouragement. You offer such helpful words of advice, and it's nice to know that although you never get over this, you can still function, and as you say, even enjoy the things you once did. Of course it doesn't seem like that now, but I'm sure in time, you will be right. It was hard enough getting through my first two holidays...Easter and Memorial Day, and I found myself just getting through them without damage. I still shake my head every day and wonder if this all really happened! I like what you say about not keeping this bottled up. My new support group seems pretty helpful. It seems ironic that the people I know...friends AND family, who were so helpful for a month or so, now seem to think that you should be pretty much over this. You get the impression that they think you have issues if you're still thinking about this! They seem to think you just wipe the slate clean and turn the page! They don't have a clue. I'm so sorry for the loss of your spouse. It is so sad to hear that. I don't know how I would have dealt with something so sudden and shocking. You have great fortitude to not only plug away, but to actually enjoy things again. Thanks again. Phil

Hi Kenman1, I am so very sorry for the loss of your wife! You are the first person here that is more recent than me with your loss, and I can really feel for you. My wife passed 11 weeks today, and I still wonder if this really happened. I wish I can say it's a litlle easier. It's actually worse because as the shock wears off, you think more about what is no more. All you can do is know that you and your wife gave it your best and filled that room with love. I think the women are stronger than us men sometimes. My wife did the same thing...always asking if I'm ok, telling me to stay with the kids until I get on my feet, and telling me to see if the nurse has a ring on her finger because "you deserve to be happy". Unbelievable! Were you married long? How old was your wife? When did you meet? I hope you can find some comfort in this very early stage. Just breathe slow, eat, and sleep all you can! Phil

Hi Harry, I know exactly what you mean with not feeling sorry for yourself too much. We know the right thing to do is to fight, try and cure this disease, do stuff our wives would have wanted us to do and continue doing, but the problem is getting the fire and motivation to do it! I am struggling with these same issues, and boy, it's tough. It's like you have to force yourself to do things, but I have to say I'm very glad when I do them. I recently planted some vegetables, and also worked a little in Jeanne's wildflower garden, and let me tell you it was tough talking myself into doing these things. I felt like I was just going through the motions! But now I look out the window and see the veggies and the flowers, and I feel good knowing it's done, and also knowing that it's what she would have wanted, and what we've always done. I find myself having these little talks with Jeanne just as you have talks with Jane. It helps to sort out the thoughts and get you in the right direction! We know them so well...better than they know themselves, that we realize what they definitely would have done in certain situations! Now if only I could hold it together better at the cemetery, I think I will have made some progress. I'm joining a new physical support group made up of people with recent losses. The other one was good, but they were already 2 years along with their losses. This one is all people with recent losses like myself, and mine is only 10 weeks out now. I read your story/bio, and it's a great story how you guys met! Kind of like the way Jeanne and I met getting kicked out of 10th grade history class for talking! I had these beautiful memorial mementos made up. It looks like a big laminated bookmark, and the front has a saying, and the back has the beautiful obit that I wrote laminated onto the back. I gave these to friends, family, and the school district where Jeanne worked and everyone loved them. Anyway, I'm going to write the saying/poem here that I had printed on the front of these mementos. You may have heard this one, but it's good to read now because it's exactly what we are talking about, which is staying positive and not wallowing. Afterglow I'd like the memory of me to be a happy one. I'd like to leave an Afterglow of smiles when day is done. I'd like to leave an echo...Whispering softly down the ways of happy times and laughing times and bright and sunny days. I'd like the tears of those who grieve to dry before the sun of happy memories that I leave behind when day is done. The word of the week...wallowing...let's stop doing that as much as we can! Have a good weekend. Phil

Hi Harry, It's ok...I;m sure you are going through some battles. Sorry to hear you are going through a rough patch right now. I will look for your post. I hope, at least with the big moves you made in the bedroom, that it helps you out and gives you a calming presence. Sometimes that's all you need for a little springboard to get you going a bit. I'm about the same as you. Just trying to work things out. 2 1/2 months out now, and I still can't believe all this happened! Mother's Day was another tough one, and I put a nice planter box of purple and yellow pansies at the grave. They look nice, and the deer don't like dining on them! Talk to you soon...hope you are ok. Phil

Hi Harry, It's really interesting how people really do need to deal with things in different ways. I totally understand where you are coming from with the furniture and kitchen. You have to do what makes you feel better, and this obviously works for you. I have had people offer to come over and help me move the furniture, change the curtains, etc...I guess it just makes me feel better leaving things as is. I find it comforting to still have Jeanne's touches all around the house. The empty bed is upsetting to me, but I felt just as bad staying over a friend's house and having one side of the bed empty. So it wouldn't matter if it was home or even a hotel bed. The cooking was just a matter of me not having the desire or energy for 6 weeks. I ate out or had TV dinners. Now I cook just about every night. Your wife had a good mantra. I think my wife's is similar. She always believed in doing whatever you wanted to do and don't let anything stop you. Hope you are getting along ok. Phil

Hi Harry, You sound like you're making some nice little progressions. Maybe small steps, but some progress with the clothes, furniture, etc. I guess the re-arranging gives you a brighter perspective on things, and like you say, brighter and less gray. It's surprising how doing this stuff knocks you out, right? A friend mentioned to me to move stuff around..I guess I'm just not at that point yet? I don't feel the need to do that for some reason yet, but maybe down the line I will as you did. I'm limited as to how I can place the furniture anyway, and that may have something to do with it lol! I can see down the road, I may want to brighten it up with a new bedspread or curtains or something though. I can't believe people are so low as to steal plants from people's graves! All you can do is shake your head on that one. I put some nice Easter lilies and tulips there last week. Brightens it up a bit. Sometime in May, they will place the new headstone, and that should look nice with the angels and inscriptions on it. Well, at least I got through my first holiday without Jeanne. That was a tough one. Hope you have a good week. Phil

Hi Harry, I may wash the bags of clothes from hospice soon, but she has a ton of clothes in her closet and her dresser droors, and also her jewelry that are gonna have to wait. Maybe a very long wait! Just can't deal with any of that at this point. I still think of 10th grade history class 41 years ago when I first met Jeanne. Geez, it's ingrained in my mind. I go to the cemetery once or twice a week. It's about 12 miles away, but it's on the way to all the stores and malls, so if I go shop for anything, I usually stop. I'm gonna stop back again Thursday or Friday with a nice Easter plant. Maybe some tulips or lilies or something colorful. It looks so bland there. Put a plant there last week and the deer ate it. They put the foundation in last week, and the headstone (for two) will be put in some time in May. Having two angels put on it. She loved angels. I put her angel fountains back out for the spring/summer in her wildflower garden, and it's starting to come alive. I just fed all the flowers and plants too. we bought a nice arbour last September, when she still had a little energy. It still looks good. It looks so nice to see all her tulips and daffodils in bloom! It makes me sad, but also makes me happy. Your vegetable garden sounds like it will be awesome! I would think your cemetery would fix the ground where it sunk? Sounds like something they would do to make it right. Like you say, the birds will sing, and the flowers will bloom and the world won't miss a beat, so we somehow have to adjust to spending our life without our wonderful other halves, and living with our painful broken hearts. Phil

Hi Mary Linda, Thanks for the encouragement. Boy, we really do have alot in common on this site. You really got a double whammy with your Dad and husband. You seem to be making some progress with the support group and this site. That is good news. I can't believe your husband was gone after only 4 1/2 months! The shock of that is so overwhelming. I like doing things around the house. It does get my mind off things a bit. I don't even mind cleaning the toilet bowls. That's not something we did together lol! I just try to remember how good a routine is. Like you say, it gives you some purpose, and it fills in your day. The key to this whole thing seems to be staying positive. You can't get down too much. Now comes my first holiday test. I will be going to my daughters house for Easter. Took over my wife's job and made the grandkids Easter baskets. I hope it goes smoothly. Thanks again. Phil

Harry..Thanks so much for the kind words and suggestions. I did the same thing..bought 4 books on grieving, and I'm on the last book now. Some good ideas and guidelines in there. I know what you mean, you wander aimlessly and wonder why you're even doing what you're doing because it feel so strange doing this stuff by yourself. I just found a support group through the hospice where Jeanne was. They meet 3 Thursdays a month. Went to one meeting and will see how it goes. At least it's all people in the same boat that knows what you're talking about. You're pretty close to where I am being 4 months out and also being your wife at 56 years old. Were you married long? I just passed 6 weeks and boy it's tough. If one more person says, just be glad you had all that time and memories, I'm going to scream! I'm missing the person too much right now to be happy with memories!! I too feel we will be together again, but like you said, it's not much consolation. I'm also doing the little ritual stuff too, the walks, making the bed, the garden, eating better, shopping, and I agree, it's a good distraction. As long as you plug away without pressuring yourself... a little at a time. I just clean one or two rooms at a time. Her closet and dresser are loaded with stuff and is off limits. I don't want to feel like I'm completely wiping out her identity right now. Geez, there's even 4 bags of her clothes from hospice that are still sitting there! I feel exactly like you do! The empty chair, bed, no one to tslk over breakfast, and yes...massaging her feet. Sounds weird, but I always told her she should have been a foot model. She had beautiful feet lol! The hardest part for me is going to the cemetery. I think it's seeing the freshly dug soil there and realizing it's so final that really gets to me. I guess we somehow have to eventually fill the half of us that's missing with our own new identity from what I hear? Good to talk to you and continued improvement fo you! Phil

Hi Sharon, Thanks so much for your words of encouragement and support. You are right, this is a great site with caring people and I'm glad I found it! I agree, it seems hard to find a purposeful life after being so intertwined with your spouse. I am also finding the same thing with people going on with their life. After only a month, people stopped asking me how I was doing..it's like they think you should be over it now or something. How I wish it worked like that! I first met Jeanne in 10th grade history class when we both got kicked out for talking. Geez, we were only 15! I am so sorry for your loss, and I really hope the third year will give you even more good days. Hugs, Phil

Hi KayC, Boy you are not kidding, it's unlike any other loss...so different. It really does take your breath away. Daughter2010 mentioned how her heart actually aches. I agree with that. It actually feel like it's going to literally break from the pain. It's crazy how it just stays with you every day that you wake up. Your dog sounds awesome. My little guy is keeping me great company. It's good to go for long walks with him also. They are so healing to us! Thanks. P

Hi MFH, I think that's a good idea...a nice slow pace. I wish I could put back the weight I lost from all this stress... maybe soon. I have been getting out some, and even visited some friends. It really is a good distraction. It sounds like you and Bill were very close. It must be so painful for you also. Thanks. P

Hi Nats, Thanks so much for the prayers and kind words. I have already found some fantastic insight on this website. Between that and the books on grief I am reading, I think it will help. I am also gonna try this week the support group for the hospice where Jeanne was. It's worth a try. One day at a time, right? Thanks again. P

Hi Nicholas, Thanks so much for the kind words. I am so sorry about your son, you must be in so much pain. I also hope it gets better for both of us. It's the most horrible thing ever, especially when people pass that are younger. This is a very supportive site. Talk to you soon. P

Hi Lainey, Thanks so much for your wonderful insight and ideas. I still wonder how the hell this happened. It all startred when her gum felt weird and she thought it was just a tooth problem. 11 months later she was gone. This cancer defied surgery, radiation and chemo. It was very aggressive. I remember near the end, it started to creep around to the good side of her jaw. There were red marks in the morning, by evening they were black, and by the next morning when I awoke at hospice, it was eating right through her skin. I don't know how she smiled right to the end? Trying to take it easy and get the extra sleep like you suggest. I can't seem to put back the 12 pounds (alot for me) I lost. I hope you can gain some ground and things get a little easier for you. P

Dear L, Thanks so much for your kind thoughts and insight. I'm sorry you and also your Mom are also going through so much pain. Sounds to me like you had a very special bond with your Dad. It does seem surreal. I still wonder, did this really happen? It's so much harder when someone is not sick or old. You are just humming along in life and then zap, it comes out of nowhere. We were just starting to really have fun, getting out alot, we bought a new vacation place, 3 beautiful new grandchildren...it's so horrible. I still wonder how Jeanne never complained about anything or showed any fear. She had such an agressive and painful cancer, but she was very selfless so I guess she didn't want to upset anyone. I hope you feel a little better every day. Hugs to you also. P

Hi MFH, Thanks for the reply and the nice thoughts. I know exactly what you mean...reminders everywhere. I can't even buy a shirt, they're all stores we used to shop in. I look out the bathroom or kitchen window and I see her wildflower garden. Sheesh! It's so tough. People tell me to keep busy...I find it worse. I went to see a friend and his girlfriend for the weekend to get away a bit, a 2 hr 45 min drive. We went to a restaurant and it was so weird to have the seat next to me empty. Then we go to a shopping village...there was only one chain store there, a big fat Chico's, her favorite clothing store! You can't win. I think I'm better off staying home with a beer and watching the ballgame! I'm glad you got through the first year without Bill, and I hope you can continue to make some progress. Phil

Hi Deb, Thanks so much for your support and guidance. It's so good to hear all these different points of views on this site. I guess I have a long way to go being a month out from what I've been reading here. At least I know what to expect down the road. I still shake my head often and say, "did this really happen"? I knew her for 41 years and we were married for 35. She felt pretty good the month after her treatments ended, and we even went to the mall and bought ourselves new wedding rings! Then it all went wrong. Jeanne was a very selfless person that touched everyone she met. She wanted to work 2 more years, but was forced to retire after a 30 year career. Now she won't even be around to enjoy her retirement or her pension. She also had a 1 and a 2 year old grandson, and a 4 month old granddaughter that she loved dearly. She couldn't talk the last 3 months because of her trach and her windpipe was closed, so she used to write everything down on a dry erase board. She wrote some very funny stuff on there! the last two weeks of her life, when she was too weak and disoriented to write on the board, she communicated to me with her eyebrows! I will never forget one day I asked her if she felt ok, and she raised her eyebrows for a yes. Then I told her I loved her, and she raised them twice! I busted out laughing! I hope you continue to make progress after losing Michael. It is such a horrible road to be on. Phil

Hi Susie Q, Thanks...you offer good advice and encouragement. I think breaking it down by the hour seems like a good idea. It feels so long and torturous after only a month. I'm thinking how could I feel so lame after a month, but after you say it took you 6 months just to think you could possibly have a future, I don't feel so bad I guess. Thanks again.

Hi Jodi, Thank you for your very kind thoughts and words. You HAVE said things to comfort me. Your Dad must have been a wonderful man for you to care so deeply for him. 15 months and you are still in so much pain. I first met my wife in 10th grade history class. We started chatting and the teacher kicked me out. She started giggling and he asked her if she thought it was funny. She nodded yes, and he told her to leave also. We walked the halls and got to know each other! I should have invited him to the wedding. Yes...I'm glad I found this site. Seems like many supportive people on here. It's good to be in the same boat with other people, so we can keep each other afloat.

Hi Dusky...Thanks for the reply and the kind words. I've heard it takes two to three years to start feeling better, but I am coming across people who I see take many years to feel better. The fact that it's taken you five to six years speaks volumes. I guess I am in for the long haul. When you're dealt a terrible hand you can either play or fold, right? I guess I have to play the hand. I will take a look at your website. The book sounds interesting.

Wow..my beautiful wife of 35 years is gone after an 11 month battle with head and neck cancer. This was only a month ago. She was only 56 years old and wanted to live so badly and fought so valiantly. She thought she had an abcessed tooth, but it turned out to ba a very aggresive squamous cell carcinoma. She had a 6 hr surgery to remove the late stage 3 tumor and part of her gum, jawbone, a few teeth, and 24 lymph nodes, of which 2 were cancerous. They told her she would be fine after 33 radiation treatments and 2 high dose chemo treatments. we drove 71 miles each way, five days a week the whole summer. She felt fine a month after treatments ended, and then all hell broke loose. They told her the cancer had metastecised. She developed radiation burns, scarring, pain...her throat started closing up from radiation scarring and we had to make use of her feeding tube. She had numerous breathing difficulties, I revived her with CPR one night after she completely went limp and stopped breathing, a few 911 calls and ambulance trips, and spent many days in the hospital. Her throat closed and she almost died there, and it took 2 hrs to get a breathing tube in her and they wanted to give up when they couldn't find her airway. I arrived in the middle of the night, not knowing if they were successful. Days later, they gave her a tracheostomy. I did all of this care myself...6 tube feedings a day, all her pills crushed into the tube, changing bandages and cleansing her burns/cancer sores, and to my surprise, the trach care was a full time job in itself. Then there was the oxygen machine, moisture machine to keep the trach from clogging, nebulizer, oxygen tanks to lug in the car for more chemo treatments. After an ulcerated infection in her neck, she wound up in the hospital again for 3 weeks. The cancer was eating through her neck. They told us there was nothing left to do and that she should say good bye to everyone. We put her in hospice where the cancer completely ate right through her neck. You could fit a golf ball inside her neck. It also ate through her cheek and quickly working it's way around to the other side of her neck and collarbone. To my amazement, she never once complained! We both gave it all we had, but after 37 days in hospice, she died. I had been sleeping/staying there 22 hrs a day, and only went home for 2 hrs to shower and get the mail. It was during this time that I was away that the cancer ate through her carotid artery, and she bled out in seconds. They all told me this was Jeanne's final gift to me. It happened soon after I left, and my final memory was telling her how much I loved her and kissing her and telling her that I would be back shortly. The last 5 years we were in the best place in our lives. Being empty nesters, we were free to come and go at will, and were really enjoying life. She had endured more pain and suffering than I’ve ever seen anyone go through. I knew of her strong will, but her courage, strength, grace, perseverance and never complaining really amazed me. She was the strongest person I’ve ever known. I don't know how she took all those narcotics. She was an easygoing, sweet, wonderful, happy woman who loved life, was very people oriented, and known for her infectious laugh, and her big brown eyes. She was very devoted to her family, especially her grandchildren, and loved spending time with her friends. We loved each other deeply and were inseperable. we did almost everything together. The whole school district where she worked showed up for her service. I first met Jeanne in 10th grade history class. I got kicked out for talking to her, and she got kicked out for thinking it was funny. We walked the halls and got to know each other. This is how I first met this beautiful girl. She was a woman who was never sick a day in her life. She suffered tremendously and died a horrible death. My faith is really being tested. Both my daughters live out of state, so I don't see them that often. We had both just retired. I am so alone...I just got a handsome little Fox/Jack terrier 5 days ago, and he is a wonderful companion, but it's still very lonely. I was close to my mother, so I thought the pain would be similar when she died. It is nothing like it! This pain is horrible and crushing and enduring. I'm reading books on grieving and I hear it really DOES get better. Please, someone, tell me that it does!