JEM0952

Hi @Aquarius7. I wasn't able to find your previous posts, only topics it said you had responded to for some reason. Feel free to share your story here. I would imagine that it's just as hard for a guy. In a lot of situations the mother is the one who people come to for advice, emotional support, understanding, etc. That's a serious bond to break. I agree, I think it's one of the worst things that anyone goes through. I remember the fog. I used to walk to the grocery store or to work and look down in amazement that I was putting one foot in front of the other...how my body knew to carry on even when my heart didn't. In some ways it's a relief when it goes away because it feels like you're starting to heal and make progress. At the same time it sucks because you're stuck with this emptiness...I feel like I come off so boring and personality-less. It sounds dramatic but I literally feel like part of my soul went with her. Your second paragraph made me cry. What really hurts is that people make excuses like "They don't know what to say" "They're afraid of losing their own parents" "They don't want to upset you". In a few cases that's true but the bottom line is that a lot of people just don't care. You can see it in their facial expressions, tone of voice, body language. Uncomfortable and disinterested are two emotions that don't usually look alike. It's amazing how intelligent animals are. 10 days after my mom died my cat (who was living with my mom) gave up. I'm so glad you have your dog though. She understands that your mom is gone and I'm sure just being able to give her a hug brings a little comfort. It's good that your girlfriend has stuck by you through this. Has she gained more of an understanding from you talking to her about it? I've read a lot on the subject, unfortunately in terms of support groups even if I decided to check one out I only found one that's pretty far away from me. Which doesn't make sense because they have Alanons and meetings of that nature everywhere. You're right in terms of reaching out. I've tried to heal on my own and obviously it's not enough. I think eventually I'll find a strong circle of friends but I'm going to have to be willing to put myself out there and deal with/weed out some not-so-compassionate people before that happens. Hope that your Mother's Day is tolerable!

@Lilac I do live in the same place still. I did one-on-one counseling on-and-off for a while with a great therapist but at the end of the day as compassionate as she is, I feel like any therapist is just doing their job. The first counselor I tried going to mentioned that her friend had lost her mom and she avoided the friend because the subject made her uncomfortable. As for the distance, I recently went to visit my grandfather - it was supposed to be my chance to say goodbye. I was glad I got the opportunity then, but now I feel like I would be devastated if I was across the country when he passes...I don't think that I could relive that again. I'm sorry that you've had to deal with the lack of support as well. Saying it feels like a slap in the face is an understatement. I agree that situations like this force you to learn about yourself which is a positive thing. I don't believe that people were placed on the earth to be completely self-reliant though...kind of makes for a lonely existence. It's great to be able to take care of yourself, but I think you need to know there's at least one person you could rely on IF you ever needed that for whatever reason. Relationships are give and take...being able to provide everything for yourself can sometimes attract the wrong type of people.

@kawaiinicole I'm sorry about your mom. That was so recent. I think the first month can be the hardest, I was told it would get better but didn't fully believe it then. Eventually it becomes bearable but still hard. Mother's Day, her birthday, and the anniversary are definitely difficult, glad to hear you're getting support on these boards.

@west Yes, exactly! When it first happened and people were giving the "I'm there for you" lines, I felt like it was really self-serving. Like they did what they felt were supposed to do, were proud of themselves for it, and then wanted to get back to talking about boys and going to clubs. Volunteering is a beautiful thing, my worry though is that I can't distract myself forever. I have responsibilities that keep me busy, but I'm trying to work on processing everything. I have an ex who lost his father when he was 15 and I can tell it still deeply affects him at 30. Partially because it's something that will always be with you but partially because I don't think he ever really took the time to grieve. I'm very sorry for the loss of your husband, I know that's not an easy thing to go through.

@niamh Thank you so much for your support. My grandmother was my mom's mom. I see her about once a year and talk to her on the phone maybe once a month...mostly because my dad insists on it. It's the whole "Even though you don't get along now, someday you won't be able to make that call" guilt trip. I'm civil with her but try to keep it the conversation very superficial because I just don't trust her. Ironically, the better I do in my career the more she wants to talk to me...like that makes me worth conversing with. I've never been close with my dad. He messed up a number of times in my childhood in ways that are unimaginable and at best I see him as an acquaintance. I've been trying to work on my relationship with him because I think it's important to have family but it's hard because sometimes I feel like I deserve more than what he's capable of giving. He's never the one who initiates phone calls, he has a hard time keeping track of what's going on in my life, and he says he supports me but makes snide comments that suggest otherwise. I've discussed all this with him but I feel like a fool expecting for him to change. I agree about needing friends to reach out first. In the past when I told someone that I needed support, if they asked how I was at that point I felt like they were asking because they felt like they had to and not because they really cared. I'm sorry to hear about your cousins, you would think that they would be the first ones there for you since they understand how intense that pain is. Thank you for saying that it's not my fault...I felt like something had to be wrong with me for so many people to abandon me like that. When I was 13 a couple classmates lost their parents. They weren't people I was extremely close to, but I knew they were going thru a hard time and thought I should be there for them in any way I could. It amazes me that I had that sense at 13 but people in their 20s and older are too selfish to do the same thing. I've been a little hesitant to go to a grief support group. I went to Alanon when my dad started drinking and just felt really uncomfortable. It's a Catch 22 because I would love to have support but at the same time don't want my grief to be the only thing people see me for. There's something about the circle and group setting of it that makes me feel put on the spot. As for hearing from my friends, I only hear from people on facebook when they want to know how my career is going. It's funny that it's so easy for them to ask me 99 questions about what I'm working on and have no regard for anything else. I was home about a month ago and some of my mom's old friends insisted on seeing me...even though they had never shown an interest in me or life before that. When I saw them they just wanted to reminisce on memories of my mom and talk about ways I reminded them of her. Like "I can't see her in Heaven but I guess you'll do." It really hurts, it just makes me feel so worthless. I literally have no one in my life right now that seems to care about how I feel or even really who I am - not what I am. My mom was the opposite. Someone could name a food and she could tell you if I liked it, loved it, hated it, etc. She knew what music, clothes, movies, etc. I would enjoy. She would pick up on me being nervous/upset/etc. when no one else could tell and would give my hand a little squeeze to let me know it was going to be okay. I talked to her every day and was closer to her than my dad, grandparents, etc. were. Yet at the funeral relatives I barely knew told me that I would be fine cuz I was strong but they were worried about my dad and grandfather. As if my feelings weren't relevant. I just have no idea how to trust people again. But I really appreciate you being there.

Hi, I'm new to this site so I hope I'm posting in the right place. My mother died two years ago. She got a paper cut on a Friday that got infected and turned into cellulitis. I live across the country and before I could get home, she died the following Friday. My grandmother told me that the stress of me being on the opposite coast was what made her sick and refused to let me read a eulogy at the funeral. Since then my life has fallen apart. My dad developed a drinking and drug habit and is clean now but has spent almost all of his money and is about to lose the house. My grandfather (who is the closest person to me after my mom) has Alzheimers and cancer and will not be around very much longer. I don't have any siblings and I literally lost all of my friends when my mom passed. People who I had been friends with for years couldn't be bothered to send their condolences or did once and then never wanted to hear about the subject again. The "Call if you need anything - anytime!" line? It was just that - a line. I confronted a number of them and mentioned how I had been there for them over the years and how this was the one time I really needed them. Most apologized but nothing changed and as hard as I tried I just couldn't forgive them. Growing up I was really happy-go-lucky - always laughing - and now I have this image that if I ever mention serious issues to future friends, boyfriends, etc. I'll lose them. I've tried to reach out to relatives but my dad's side of the family has racial issues and my mom's side has no interest in who I am as a person...they just want me to be the living reminder of my mom. Mothers Day is this Sunday and I feel so emotional. Every time someone so much as tweets about Mothers Day I either get mad to the point where my ears turn red or I fight back tears. I just want one person to call and ask how I'm doing. I feel like I'll never heal without support, but if "friends" and relatives who've known me for years don't care why would anyone else? I've tried to date and find a good guy but guys in my city freak out if you're bigger than a size 2 or don't have your nails done. I have those things going for me but since they're repulsed by things that shallow, I don't see anyone being willing to take on even part of my baggage. The sad part is, if someone met me in person they'd never know I wrote this. In the line of work that I'm in you have to be flawless, charming, and "on" 24/7 and I do that. So some girls hate me because they think I have a perfect life when in reality when I come home, sit on the couch and cry because I lost the closest person in the world to me and no one cares enough to ask "Are you okay?"